Hello

Tigers6288

New Registrant
Hello,

Not exactly new just gone for so long I forgot my old profile:confused:. So after suppressing for 15+ years. Then only dealing with my past sporadically, and with several different therapist. I have decided to give healing another shot. 14 years of marriage have almost gone up in smoke because I continue to be a victim and not a survivor. I have a wife that has put up with my unwillingness to move forward for so long. She truly has been a pillar for our family, but it has worn on her as well and it is not fair for me to continue to allow her to not have the relationship she deserves (that we both deserve). So found a new T and am back in the path to recovery. Hoping to make a change in my life....our life...that will help us to move forward toward a healthier relationship as husband and wife and not companions. Life is too short, and I want my second half to be what it always should have been.

Shields
 

WG

Registrant
Hello Shields - I remember you. Good for you for giving a try once again. Time, age, experience and just life in general have changed you so this time in therapy should be different. Let it be different. Notice what you did or didn't say or do in the last sessions with the previous T. Yes, our wives have put up with so much - they didn't sign up for this in life (newsflash - neither did we) and most seem to be doing what they think is the right thing. I know my wife is so supportive and loving toward me. We've been married 37 years, 3 children and are now retired.
Yes, you can change the outcome. You and your wife can. Stay with it. There were times we thought it as getting too messy, but we stayed with it. Divorce was never in our vocabulary. We said that the first year we were married and its remained so.
You can both become the ones you thought you married.
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hello ,
I identify with your post , I landed up here on ms 6 months ago knowing my partner had kept everything together the last 5 years and genuinely terrified of losing it all because everyone has there limits I thought. I started therapy again but more importantly I feel was connecting here , seeing were not alone and we can heal some more
Peace
HL
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
Hello,

Not exactly new just gone for so long I forgot my old profile:confused:. So after suppressing for 15+ years. Then only dealing with my past sporadically, and with several different therapist. I have decided to give healing another shot. 14 years of marriage have almost gone up in smoke because I continue to be a victim and not a survivor. I have a wife that has put up with my unwillingness to move forward for so long. She truly has been a pillar for our family, but it has worn on her as well and it is not fair for me to continue to allow her to not have the relationship she deserves (that we both deserve). So found a new T and am back in the path to recovery. Hoping to make a change in my life....our life...that will help us to move forward toward a healthier relationship as husband and wife and not companions. Life is too short, and I want my second half to be what it always should have been.

Shields
I get that man. Ive been in the same place. and I really still am. 2 years ago I started emdr and actually stuck with therapy...
still I messed up my marriage. but its getting better.
you can do it man! Welcome back!
 
Welcome back Shields. I'm happy for you that you're picking up this life affirming work once again.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my former wife, reflecting on the changes this work has made but also on the pain we experienced as a couple because I was so broken. Our marriage didn't survive though we remained friends. There is so much pain in the world and so much for those of us who experienced early sexual trauma, it brings tears to my eyes.

None of us deserved what happened to us and surely those who've offered to share their lives with us don't either. Please do this work, for yourself and for your wife. It IS POSSIBLE to heal. We will eventually find deep compassion for ourselves and find the strength to care for the broken parts of ourselves without running away... whatever that may look like for each of us.

I've only been here for a few months but I have discovered a wonderful community of men doing this work with one another's support. Stay with us and share your journey. You don't have to do this alone. Blessings to both you and your wife. You both deserve a life free from this pain... we all do!
 
WB Shields, I just recently returned myself after an eight-year hiatus. Proud of you for recognizing what you need. And you know that you are amongst friends here.

You are a survivor, and not a victim because you are once again picking up the baton and working to finish the journey. Next step is to become a thriver and not a survivor. Best of luck to you and we are always here.
 

Chad R.

Registrant
Hello,

Not exactly new just gone for so long I forgot my old profile:confused:. So after suppressing for 15+ years. Then only dealing with my past sporadically, and with several different therapist. I have decided to give healing another shot. 14 years of marriage have almost gone up in smoke because I continue to be a victim and not a survivor. I have a wife that has put up with my unwillingness to move forward for so long. She truly has been a pillar for our family, but it has worn on her as well and it is not fair for me to continue to allow her to not have the relationship she deserves (that we both deserve). So found a new T and am back in the path to recovery. Hoping to make a change in my life....our life...that will help us to move forward toward a healthier relationship as husband and wife and not companions. Life is too short, and I want my second half to be what it always should have been.

Shields
I am right there with you. I am trying to do the same and married to a great person... she is so supportive and I am so grateful to have her support. We can do it man, I know that there is a brighter future!!!!
 

Tigers6288

New Registrant
Thanks all for the encouragement and support. To put it simply... This all sucks ass. I know it sucks for everyone that is here. Just having a bad night. Trying to work through all this crap, wife is not happy that I did not do it sooner, wife not happy that I can't share more about therapy, wife not happy that progress is not faster, wife not happy that sex life is not improved, wife not happy that she is not seeing any effort or change. Damn just want someone in my corner for a change telling me that you can do this and get better. Sick of hearing how I have not put forth effort to change, that I am just fine being content with were life is...I'm not. I'm not fine, I'm not happy. I get it....if I traded places with my wife I would probably be pissed too. But I can't trade places and I can't change what happened. Therapy sucks for me, I feel like I don't know how to do it or talk about emotions, or even now to feel them. Total stream of consciousness in the post....Just had to get it out.

Shields
 
Definitely sucks Shields and finding a way out of the morass isn't easy. I hope you're working with a therapist who is well grounded in basics of trauma. Talking about feelings makes it sound like your basic vanilla talk therapy, which I've done for years. It wasn't until I began looking at how trauma affects the brain and began working with trauma from that perspective, that things shifted for me. The first two links in my signature line are to posts I made about therapeutic approaches that became foundational for my work with a new therapist whom I found through this website. I just wrote in my journal about the profound relief I've come to as a result of that process. You might want to check out those posts.

That said, my former wife/former partner and now friend, wasn't able to stay with me through the process and chose to step back from our relationship. I say that to state the obvious... not everyone can handle this shit. But that, in one way, is beside the point since WE HAVE to handle it, at least we do if we want to claim a life worth living.

Stick around here Shields. We're kindred spirits who are working to heal from this trauma that is still carried within our bodies. You can share what you need to share, confident that no one here will be offended. We get to tell one another the truth and we get to give one another support in doing this essential work. You're not alone in this buddy.
 

David Wayne

Registrant
Hello,

Not exactly new just gone for so long I forgot my old profile:confused:. So after suppressing for 15+ years. Then only dealing with my past sporadically, and with several different therapist. I have decided to give healing another shot. 14 years of marriage have almost gone up in smoke because I continue to be a victim and not a survivor. I have a wife that has put up with my unwillingness to move forward for so long. She truly has been a pillar for our family, but it has worn on her as well and it is not fair for me to continue to allow her to not have the relationship she deserves (that we both deserve). So found a new T and am back in the path to recovery. Hoping to make a change in my life....our life...that will help us to move forward toward a healthier relationship as husband and wife and not companions. Life is too short, and I want my second half to be what it always should have been.

Shields
Welcome back. Your situation is so similar to mine, I almost thought you were spying on me. Just kidding, but really, I am literally in the same boat and I hope we both make it work again with our spouses. We got this!
 

WG

Registrant
Shields - What you stated in the post above is normal for us. Change isn't happening fast enough for some, it goes too quickly for others. Change isn't overnight and sometimes our significant others need to know this. It can be said in a kind, but firm way, so they get it and lower the expectations. I told my wife it isn't a panacea. No magic wand and suddenly I'm all better and life is great. That happens in Disney movies. You're not where you once were because you're in therapy. That is a long and hard road - as you well know. All of the hurt, shame, pain (emotional & physical) surfaces and we don't know what to do with it. Not alone we don't. That's where a good T (and your brothers here) come in. Learn centering techniques, EMDR, something to calm yourself, doing something kind to yourself (yes, you deserve it), taking your wife's concerns to the T. I didn't have my wife go with me to the sessions, by the way. Considering what I had to tell him, it might make her vomit. I needed a safe place where I could express myself without explanation - cry, be angry, raise my voice, hit a pillow, etc. No, I didn't tell her everything we discussed at every session. She would ask how it went and I would tell her a few parts, but not everything. Besides, I felt safer telling it in my T's office as opposed to over the kitchen table. Not that my wife isn't safe, it just that, especially in the beginning, I just needed that safe space to talk and have someone guide it. It is rather confidential, anyway. Since we are telling so much about ourselves to someone, it feels safer to keep it to just the T until we feel like we can begin to express it in other places.
 
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