Hello...

[lumes48]

Hi all,

I don't know where to begin, I've told the story so many times recently that it's becoming blurred - so many different therapists and not enough resources to provide therapy = being moved along again and again. So I'll pay privately for it, because I do just need that single therapeutic relationship. I'm kind of sick of telling the story and not actually connecting with it for very long.

But in a nutshell: my mum had Borderline, psych. abused me by calling me evil etc., and committed suicide; my dad was dissociating to protect himself, physically abusing me & asking me to protect my little sister; my older brother was sexually abusing me, then I found out he was abusing my sister too... and then I don't really know what happened; I cracked. I didn't know it was abuse that he'd done to me, I thought he was taking care of me (my parents weren't).

Until recently, I thought the CSA had occurred just the one time. But, long story short, I stopped speaking to him (my brother) for 15 years. Last August I found out he was dying. I thought I'd play Jesus and go see him to offer forgiveness. I came home with rage. I repressed it. He died. Hello, Rage. I repressed some more. I lasted until December and then cracked some more. I started to recall other times it happened. And it's all mish-mashed together with my anger, my sexuality, my gender identity, just everything...

I had a complete breakdown, I'm not gonna say "I'm ok" now, but compared to then, I really am doing ok. Still need therapy, obviously. Everything is changing for me now, it was terrifying to start with, and sometimes still is.

There are so many details I'm now aware of, and I don't mind talking about them in time (from behind a screen, anyway), but right now I have some questions, so I'll try find the right forum for them and if I can pluck up the confidence to ask them I will.

That's a little of me, and my story, and for the first time in my life I'm actually proud to say that this is my story: I lived it, I survived it, I'm healing from it.

Thank you for this space,
Lumes

 

[Ceremony]

Welcome Lumes, it's an honor. To me, reading posts from new men gives me hope. I'm rather new to this. It appears you're stating that you've been at it for a while, now seeing a need for one clear concerted effort with clarity and purpose.

There is so much here that has been opening me up, and giving rise to hope. I get the rage and know confusion quite well. Bullies did too much to me, that it ruined my life. Then the rape woke in my mind last summer. My old place in life as a weak scapegoat, a punching bag, too effeminate for machismo, not appealing, etc... kept me out of developing myself. Though married 32 yrs, and having 2 kids. I've at various times been socially withdrawn, etc... and it's been typical of us. I was unaware how much of life, now that I'm 55 has been held back from me, or, maybe I know... I surpressed it!

I'm a talkative sort...

Hope to see you around.

 

[woodenshoes]

Limes

Sorry for the need to be here. I hope you find the answers you need to figure things out. Let it out and we are here to help.

Take care

 

[lumes48]

Hi both, thanks a lot.

Ceremony - I'm newer than you might think, I just adapt fast (I'm guessing that's actually related to needing to adjust to various threatening stimuli as a child - serves me well these days?!). I love the fact that there's hope here, and comfort... I thought men were, well, not like this. Not compassionate. Our stories, how we came to be how we are, can take time to reveal themselves; I noticed for me it was about need space in my life (seriously, I thought I was so happy... then it hit me). But, once revealed, we can work through them. And I think that's part of my happiness, and what keeps going thru the dark days; I feel like I'm going somewhere because I'm accepting it all, I don't mind where I'm going, because it's got to be better than where I've been (I say that because, now that I'm an adult, I can choose the situations I get into, and if I make the wrong choice I can protect myself, I can fight back if people attack me [believe me, no one has ever looked at me as capable of a fight - too effem - but of late, I've proven them wrong, and proven myself wrong]). Keep up the fight. The very fact that you're here is fighting back. I too never realised how much of life has been held back... I want to keep healing, and, when I'm ready, actually start living it. That'll take some time though, eh?

Woodenshoes - Thank you. Take care, too

Thanks both,
Lumes

 

[kcinohio]

Welcome Lumes. Hope you find MS helpful to you.

 

[manipulated]

Lumes

Welcome! Sorry for why you are here but so glad you were able to find us. We don't have a per visit fee and won't pass you on! We are also not therapists but guys who have been where you are...and yes I do mean the rage the attempt to forgive and the total break.

Flashbacks/recovered suppressed memories are horrible but the good news is they do get better and part of getting better is being able to safely tell what we denied/suppressed for so long.
Glad you are here. Strength for all in numbers.