Hello

Hello
D

dphoenix1701

Registrant
Hi,
I'm Daniel. I came here a few months ago by accident. I am an a 'Survivor', though I didn't know there were so many others. Up until recently, I truly felt alone in my plight. Right now, I don't know why
I feel the need to post other than I have no one else who understands where I am. I don't feel like going into it right now, mostly because I don't know any of you (I'm so sorry). I may ramble-I do that even when I type-so please forgive me. Right now, I'm in a period of uncertainty. My wife and I just had a baby girl, albeit, she was 3 mths premature, but thank God she is healthy. Along with my 2 stepkids, I have been blessed.

I Guess I finally decided to post because lately I've begun to notice that I've started to feel apathetic to much in my life. It is really starting to sacre me. I know I should post more, but I kind of feel like I N
EED to hear from someone else first, again I'm sorry, I don't know why that is.
 
Dan - it's wild - I have this thing inside me -

where - I have been alone - here in TO -

and yes a bit dreamy headed - and also crazed at times -

i felt lifeless and apathetic

but i came here and checked in - and it gave to me -

that people knew me and said hi -

it gave back -

one time i felt so alone - on the street -

i felt so alone amongst the crowd and lifeless -

i started for some reason to think of tinker bell -

how the public recognizing me - or liking my ideas - or art - really gave something to me -

i also saw at times how lost it felt too - to get lost in that -

but i kind of dealt with that -

i will tell you tho - you come here when you need to hear from somebody - and say hi -

i also know that that one night - when i was
walking along in the crowd and then alone -

i stated to create that applause for tinker bell -

come on tinker bell light up!!!!!! inside -

and then i felt better - and in my mind pictured her buzzzing the fireworks for everyone - across the sky!!

it's weird this may sound crazy - but i guess u call it

viusalization that blew those blues away -

you come round here and tell us hey whenever you want -

i will applause and stuff whenever -

it's been very hard for me lately- but once i find work - i will be back ok!

gogodan phoenix!! light your light an create those magic fireworks -

i know at times my efforts go over board - and i get lost in it -

but keep ppl around - i dunno -

no real answers 'sept come back

lots
mark
 
remember the light u got inside
 
Hi Daniel, and welcome to us here at the site. I'm so glad you have found MS. As you read posts I'm sure that more realisation and understanding of your own past will hit you - some good, some bad.

You'll get the hang if it real quick! And feel free, as we all do, to just type what you feel even if you think there's no reason for it or if it doesn't seem to make sense. You'll be surprised at how much does make sense to us here.

Congrats on your new baby also!

..Bruce
 
Daniel,

Congrats on the new baby!

Welcome to MS. You've taken a good first step towards recovery by finding us.

I'm sure you'll be getting an official welcome from the mods and admins but I'd like to extend a hand and say hello. Take your time, get familiar with the site at your own pace and remember that we are here to listen, offer advice if asked, and to let you know that you are not alone. What your perp did belongs to him, not to you. He's the one who should feel the guilt and shame for what he did to your world. Let him carry it from now on. He's the one who had the choice, you had none.

There's much more over on the members side. Some of us don't spend much time here on the public. Hope you'll stop by and say hello to us there.

Warm regards,

Zipser
 
Hello again. I don't know where to start right now. I do want to thank those who have responded. More than anything, you don't know how much I need to hear from ANYONE who understands. I apologize that it has been so long since I first posted. Basically, the reason is my wife. She is the greatest thing to happen to me in my life. There is nothing I'm sure she wouldn't do for me. (Dido "White Flag" is playing on mp3 now- hopefully someone will understand this tangent). Anyway, I have come to feel that the issues I have to deal with are a little over her capacity to cope with in such a short time. I love her more than anything.
In addition to that, I must be honest that I needed to feel that I would not be judged. The first post was part catharsis, part feeler. I needed to see if those who responded would hate me.
There is so much I could right, but I realize if I come here long enough, you will get to know me.
So...what's my problem?
Well, I feel alone, even in a crowd, I feel alone in my head.
(Cyndi Lauper- "Time After Time")
I'm a 27 yr old black male.
For those that don't know what that means, it is that among my closest friends and family I can never reveal what happened to me.
I have lived with this for almost 20yrs. My father died 12 yrs ago never, knowing it was his best-friend's son who did this to me.
In all that time, I've told 2 people: an employee at a group home I lived in, who, for reason unknown that I still remember, asked me if I enjoyed it(female); and my wife, who I don't think is knowledgable enough to know how to help. The former experience, perhaps erroneously, taught me that I should keep things like this to myself. The latter taught me that perhaps even those that love me are not ready to deal with this aspect of my life.
For such a long time this was beneath the surface, so-much-so that I didn't even think it mattered.
But, now I'm married. I have two of the most beautiful step-children a man could ask for, and a new child, and, for lack of better wording, I'm cracking up.
I used to cry alone, but sometimes I cry in fromt of my wife.
I can't deal with that. --to be continued
 
I feel like so much less than a man.
But.
BUT, I am not weak.
I can, and will fight anyone.
I can, and will protect my family.
BUT.
I have had to deal with this for so long, alone. Basically, the only way I can write this is if I've have a few drinks, am alone, and have selected music playing.
(Counting Crows- "Raining In Baltimore)
So, the end-all-be-all of this is that this is such a heavy load to carry for 20 yrs alone. I want help. I want someone who will listen, and not judge me. I want a try friend. And. AND , I feel so isolated.
(Counting Crows- "Around Here")
About me:
I have three sisters, I was my mother's 3rd child @ 17. My father brutally beat my mother so much that I recall, even though they divorced before I was 7. My father was killed by a train in 1993. My mother died of kidney failure January 17, 1995 due to complications of HVI, which she contracted from being raped by a jealous ex- yeah,, she didn't have much luck with men.
To the best of my knowledge, none of my sisters have ever been molested, God's grace, though 1 almost was (she, alternatively, was driven near the brink of insanity by our fucked-up family). This is not a plea for sympathy, just an explanation. Maybe, if there wasn't so much, I wouldn't have come here. BUT.
My youngest sister watched my mother's rape, as well as the 21 stabs she took during.
Despite all this, I feel like I am this most well off. To be honest I am by most standards. I have a good job, 3 kids, 2 dogs, 2 birds, numerous fish- weepy ha-ha. But, BUT. These things still haunt me.
(Dido-"Here With Me)
I have reached the point where I can't write anymore, so now I'll rad your posts in hope of inspiration to come back. Pleasse respond if you can, this is momentarily therapeutic for me. For those who have already, thank yo, thank you, THANK YOU.
(Duran Duran- "Come Undone)
 
((((((((((((Daniel))))))))))))

You're NOT alone in this, and yes, there ARE people who you can talk to who'll understand.

I'm not going to be as bulls**t as my liberal friends who say they see what Black Americans go through and can relate (I'm white, but this isn't as important as all that), but there are some things in my experiences dealing with this crap that are relevant.

Throughout our Western society, we see males as being powerful, strong, aggressive, and, sadly, NEVER victims. We can't afford to be weak anywhere, because simply that ISN'T DONE. We are WARRIORS. Warriors don't show pain, never acknowledge the deep feelings (never empathy, never SYMPATHY, most of all), and never admit to being hurt by anyone else. This is sad, because we ARE victims and we DO feel the deep feelings.

For the longest time, I repressed what happened to me as a child, mostly, I guess, because this guy traumatized me so much, but there was also the element of being a "man" involved here. I was the more "sensitive" type growing up, and I was made to feel that wasn't "manly" by my dad. How in the Hell could I tell anyone when I felt that I was to blame?

The truth was, and is, that all that macho bulls**t posturing was just that, BULLS**T. The first step of liberation from that whole mess was to admit that I was still a man despite what happened to me. That it was NEVER my fault and I did NOTHING wrong.

Daniel, the truth is the same for you. And you CAN talk about it, because this thing happens to African Americans the same as White Americans. It's only gotten easier for certain groups because they've been forced to deal with it, and there was a realization there that it was a crime against US. WE WEREN'T WILLING PARTICIPANTS.

The only way the hurtful stigma that "we can't talk about it" is to TALK ABOUT IT. The destructiveness of secret-holding has to be shattered and it has to be shattered by TALKING and healing from it.

You've taken that important first step, Daniel. You've got the power back. Don't ever forget that.

You're also a good, kind, man who has much to share about life. This is also true. You have a wife and a daughter who love you. There's much good in you, Daniel. Don't EVER doubt or forget that.

Are you going to therapy? You may need to. As hard as this might be, calling a rape crisis center is a good step in getting counselling, if you feel the need to.

Also remember that your wife, while she may not know what to say at times, is an important support for you, especially now. Let her help you, and never forget to let her in. You may not feel like talking about it sometimes, that's okay, but TELL HER THAT. And talk to her WHEN you can.

I spent a longer time on this than I thought I would, but the most important thing for you to remember is that you're not alone. There are tons of good people here who'll help and listen to you when you need it.

Me, included.

You're not alone, Daniel. You're believed. And you're cared for.

Peace and love, friend.

Scot
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top