hello

hello
A

aardvark

Registrant
so hello.

my first post here. I've been lurking around for a long time. I think its great you all support each other so much.

I'm at odds lately. I dont feel like a survivor. I'll start by telling you all I dont know how i feel about my abuse. sometimes i dont know if it was abuse. I was a lonely kid, no friends at school, and the neighborhood kids only played with me when they needed an extra person. well during a hide and seek/war game i was asked to play some sex games. not wanting to be left out i joined in. it soon turned out that whenever we played it was made sexual. I was in about 4th or 5th grade, the other boys were about the same age. I feel at odds because I new it was wrong and did it, and liked it, and it wasnt some scary man, or any man for that matter, just the kids next door. then later when i was 13 a girl i had a huge crush on raped me in my back den, and told all our friends we had sex. I had know clue what to do because I didnt want people to think i was weird for not wanting it.

The most shame i have though is from the acting out I have done. I dont think I should discuss those issues here though. I also dont know how to deal with my partner. We have been together for about 9 years. we were dating in high school when she got pregnant. she was a junior I was a senior. she had the baby two weeks before my 18th birthday. we've stayed together and i love her very much. we now have two kids, our own place and are working on healing our relationship. I only disclosed to her my past about 2 years ago when i had totaly screwed up our relationship. she was ready to leave me so i didnt care about the shame. she was totaly excepting of it and has helped me work through alot. but at times I feel like she has gotten too into my issues. she looks for stuff about male sa survivors she even post on the friends and family boards here. I know thats what they're there for but I dont feel like she's given me time to own my issues. I've been in therapy for about a year now, I'm just getting into my abuse and related issues. sorry I'm just rambling on here, i've been lurking so long its just all spilling out. I think I'm going to stop now.

-aardvark
 
Glad to see you posting aardvark. Sounds like you're making good progress. Posting here is progress. Sometimes I get really jealous of guys who seem to be doing so much better than I am. But they're not me. I just have to say to myself that I go at my speed because its the speed I have.

Take care.
 
soccer I figured you were just away. I dont knowif i wouldhave talk anyways, wasnt really in a good place. thanks anyway.
 
Hello aardvark,

Glad to hear from you.

It seems that a lot of us start out with the same questions: "Was it Abuse?", "I enjoyed it, doesn't that make me to blame?" and so on.

At least, those are some of the questions I had.

You will find the answers that are right for you and in the right time. I would encourage you to keep reading and posting.

Most of all be gentle with yourself. Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with and have done a pretty good job of it. Now might be a good time for you to let others help you with some of the work. By that I mean, sharing your story with them and hearing theirs too.

There is an excellent article in the Professionals rubric at the top of the page on how to control self-defeating behviors, by Ken Singer. I would recommend it to anyone who struggles with that sort of thing.

Here's the link:

Breaking The Cycle of Self-Defeating Behaviors by Ken Singer, LCSW

Glad you're here and welcome.

Edited to add link.

Regards,
 
I'm glad you found this site, and I hope it helps your partner, too. Acting out is what we talk about here, so please write as you feel comfortable. I had a therapy session yesterday about that very subject. It's not about the acting out. It's about finding love and acceptance and trying to feel how our past has affected us. Rape is abuse. You know that. It's about a pattern of life where we kept looking for the love that we should have gotten from our families, but instead we were betrayed over and over again, taught that love is sex and sex is love.

Healing is about learning a better way and finding that we're not alone. You're not alone, aardvark. We're here for you.
 
Aardvark
welcome aboard, I know you'll find good support and help here.

If there are things that you want to discuss that you want to keep private then use the PM system and ask someone who has been through what you have.
I can promise you the PM system is completely private, as Admin I can get into the depths of the site control panel and the PMs aren't accessible.

We do struggle with our partners expectations sometimes, my wife sometimes says "but haven't you sorted that bit out ages ago?" I maybe thought I had, but sometimes we need to go back over old ground just to make certain, and there's nothing wrong with that.

If you need any help, just ask.

Dave
 
Aardvark,
I'm at odds lately. I dont feel like a survivor. I'll start by telling you all I dont know how i feel about my abuse. sometimes i dont know if it was abuse.
Click to expand...
I think a lot of folks don't feel like survivors. "Minimizing" the trauma in our pasts is quite common. You've taken the first step, though, by opening up and telling your partner. It makes it more likely that you can see it for what it was, abuse, when someone you can trust is able to see it clearly and to help you understand.

You have a therapist. That's good. Many guys don't, and if it works for them, more power to them, but I gotta believe that's a lot harder than working with a T.

You got guts. You disclosed to your partner. You got into T. You use the chat. You post here. If your "issues" could talk, I think they'd be scared $hitless right now, because their days are numbered. You're gonna whip them.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Aardvark,

Welcome to here. I hope you find it helpful in dealing with any confusing thoughts, and putting things into perspective for yourself.

I hope that you and your partner are able to respect each other's space here. I think perhaps it is that our partners do sometime 'take over' on our issues. Because there is a guilt feeling there, even if we did not know them at the time of it happening, they are hurt for us, that we have been hurt, and were not protected. So sometime they will jump in both feet first, trying to 'fix' us and protect us now, what we couldn't get then. The Friends and Family section here has been helpful to my girlfriend, although she does not post there. There are two other friends of mine who also post here. We respect each other, and have designed a signal if we do not wish the other ones to read one of our posts. I think it has been used only twice, but it keeps us our space also.

Take good care of yourself, and keep yourself safe.

Leosha
 
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