Hello!
Mr. Malaise
Registrant
Hello Everyone,
I am very new here, I only discovered this site yesterday. But I already feel that I should be here.
I am a male survivor. My abuse occurred before I was 5 and my Grandmother was the molester. I remembered the abuse 10 years ago. I got in touch with a lot of anger then at her, the people she shared me with and my parents. I seemed to have lived in denial after that thinking I was better, but never feeling well. About a year and a half ago I started wondering why I never seem to make advances in life and realized that I spent a lot of time running around looking for approval from people. Whether real or imaginary, approval is what I need to bury pain. I'd switch jobs, girlfriends, residences every year or two to refresh my "cover"; my approval seeking energy. That is usually how long it takes for the imaginary approval to wear off and the pain to start. The approval seeking never changed my core, it only buried it. I didn't realize any of this until I sat quietly and realized what I was doing.
I was able to tear down my "cover" and found tremendous shame, fear and pain. Pain I can't even define. More memories flooded back and alot of emotion was released. But pain, shame and fear still linger. I read something yesterday that summed it up very well, it read "AND IT HURTS!"
My Grandmother seduced me into performing with her. She pretended to be "lovey-dovey" so I would comply. She new I didn't get attention at home and I was the only boy on my Mothers side of a family of women. As the abuse continued I became less compliant and "Grandma" told me she would kill me and send me to hell if I told or didn't do what she said. She even tipped me out of a 20' high window because I didn't listen to her. I landed in snow and was physically unhurt, but if I died I'm sure she would have had a good story. She would chase me around her apartment with a knife, hole my head under the water, I knew she would kill me. She shared me with two men, one my Grandfather on my Father's side and another a Priest. I told my Mother about the Priest the day it happened (That's how bad that experience was)and she told me I would forget by the time I was big. Even though I fought her, kicking and yelling, my Mother took me back to my Grandmother's house; my Mother finally saying that she just didn't believe me. My Mother was her Mother's keeper. One time my Grandmother even got her to participate.
Today I feel the affects. Which is why I am here. I look forward to getting involved, becoming a member and being around, communicating with men who understand. I want to live! It just hasn't been that easy.
Jon
I am very new here, I only discovered this site yesterday. But I already feel that I should be here.
I am a male survivor. My abuse occurred before I was 5 and my Grandmother was the molester. I remembered the abuse 10 years ago. I got in touch with a lot of anger then at her, the people she shared me with and my parents. I seemed to have lived in denial after that thinking I was better, but never feeling well. About a year and a half ago I started wondering why I never seem to make advances in life and realized that I spent a lot of time running around looking for approval from people. Whether real or imaginary, approval is what I need to bury pain. I'd switch jobs, girlfriends, residences every year or two to refresh my "cover"; my approval seeking energy. That is usually how long it takes for the imaginary approval to wear off and the pain to start. The approval seeking never changed my core, it only buried it. I didn't realize any of this until I sat quietly and realized what I was doing.
I was able to tear down my "cover" and found tremendous shame, fear and pain. Pain I can't even define. More memories flooded back and alot of emotion was released. But pain, shame and fear still linger. I read something yesterday that summed it up very well, it read "AND IT HURTS!"
My Grandmother seduced me into performing with her. She pretended to be "lovey-dovey" so I would comply. She new I didn't get attention at home and I was the only boy on my Mothers side of a family of women. As the abuse continued I became less compliant and "Grandma" told me she would kill me and send me to hell if I told or didn't do what she said. She even tipped me out of a 20' high window because I didn't listen to her. I landed in snow and was physically unhurt, but if I died I'm sure she would have had a good story. She would chase me around her apartment with a knife, hole my head under the water, I knew she would kill me. She shared me with two men, one my Grandfather on my Father's side and another a Priest. I told my Mother about the Priest the day it happened (That's how bad that experience was)and she told me I would forget by the time I was big. Even though I fought her, kicking and yelling, my Mother took me back to my Grandmother's house; my Mother finally saying that she just didn't believe me. My Mother was her Mother's keeper. One time my Grandmother even got her to participate.
Today I feel the affects. Which is why I am here. I look forward to getting involved, becoming a member and being around, communicating with men who understand. I want to live! It just hasn't been that easy.
Jon