Hello! New here.

[crptxylh]

Hello everyone! I'm here because I realized that I need help, and I need someone that I can talk to about this. I'm 23 years old, and only in the last few years have I known what was wrong with me.

When I was 2-3 years old I was sexually abused. Every year thereon was just a downwards spiral. I got into pornography at 6 years old, with daily use by the time I turned 9. I could not go a day without having sexual thoughts.

When I was 12 I began sexting with adult men on chatting apps because I enjoyed their comments. At this age the memories first came back after I asked myself why I was the way I was, but I pushed them away and told myself it didn't affect me. By the time I turned 17 I reached a point where I couldn't be happy anymore. I couldn't stop sexting even though I loved my girlfriend. I couldn't bother taking care of myself. I couldn't bother with school.

By the time I turned 18 I was at my lowest. I had no motivation, no drive, no reason to live. I was not suicidal, but I believe I was on the path.

Then sometime after I turned 21 the memories came back. Except this time it became too much. This time I believed the memories, and I knew why I was the way I was. But instead of seeking help I tried to deal with it on my own, and it was too much. I became a very angry person, saying things I would never say otherwise and becoming very aggressive with others. I became severely depressed and just wanted to be alone.

I began searching on the internet for help, and found some help lines and such. I was not ready for the shame and anxiety of telling someone about what happened. But it felt good talking to someone. Ever since then I've told one good friend about it and it's one of the most nerve wracking things I've done. I'm no longer depressed though occasional bouts of sadness come and go, and I'm back in good health physically and mentally. I think getting on here is the next best step. I hope to meet good people and get better.

I will share my story soon because I want to know if anyone who has memories around that age has been able to figure out completely what happened to them. I only have parts of certain memories, and for a long time (and still sometimes) tell myself that I might be lying or making it up.

Thank you and hope to talk to you all!

 

[dcwofhs90]

Welcome to MS...you've found a great place to be. Feel free to reach out by DM if you want to talk more privately.

 

[StoneBoy]

Welcome here

 

[Youngtrumpet]

Welcome. You can find many resources here to help you. You are on the right path. The sooner you deal with this the easier it is ultimately because you can heal faster and not wasting years of being scared and silent.

 

[JC1]

Hey, Welcome to MS. Sorry for the reasons, but very glad that you found this place. Lots of support and care!

 

[GaD3!]

Welcome to MS. It is good that you are here. This is safe place and there is much support here. I hope you can connect with a trauma informed therapist to get help to deal with the abuse issues. It is extremely difficult to heal without help.

 

[Curiouspaints]

Hello everyone! I'm here because I realized that I need help, and I need someone that I can talk to about this. I'm 23 years old, and only in the last few years have I known what was wrong with me.

When I was 2-3 years old I was sexually abused. Every year thereon was just a downwards spiral. I got into pornography at 6 years old, with daily use by the time I turned 9. I could not go a day without having sexual thoughts.

When I was 12 I began sexting with adult men on chatting apps because I enjoyed their comments. At this age the memories first came back after I asked myself why I was the way I was, but I pushed them away and told myself it didn't affect me. By the time I turned 17 I reached a point where I couldn't be happy anymore. I couldn't stop sexting even though I loved my girlfriend. I couldn't bother taking care of myself. I couldn't bother with school.

By the time I turned 18 I was at my lowest. I had no motivation, no drive, no reason to live. I was not suicidal, but I believe I was on the path.

Then sometime after I turned 21 the memories came back. Except this time it became too much. This time I believed the memories, and I knew why I was the way I was. But instead of seeking help I tried to deal with it on my own, and it was too much. I became a very angry person, saying things I would never say otherwise and becoming very aggressive with others. I became severely depressed and just wanted to be alone.

I began searching on the internet for help, and found some help lines and such. I was not ready for the shame and anxiety of telling someone about what happened. But it felt good talking to someone. Ever since then I've told one good friend about it and it's one of the most nerve wracking things I've done. I'm no longer depressed though occasional bouts of sadness come and go, and I'm back in good health physically and mentally. I think getting on here is the next best step. I hope to meet good people and get better.

I will share my story soon because I want to know if anyone who has memories around that age has been able to figure out completely what happened to them. I only have parts of certain memories, and for a long time (and still sometimes) tell myself that I might be lying or making it up.

Thank you and hope to talk to you all!

@crptxylh You where heard

 

[LittleSteve]

Welcome, you found a safe space. Don’t feel you have to share your story any sooner than you’re ready. I know you see a lot of people that share here and that’s perfectly OK. But don’t feel any pressure that you need to take your time look around and read some stories. You’ll find a lot of people at experience is very young. Mine started at four so you’re among people who understand and this is a safe place to talk about this stuff in whatever man you wish. There’s also chat rooms the main chat room in the morning can get pretty full and lively, and it can be heavy or it can be just like chitchat, but you can usually find somebody to talk to there. Feel free to just sit and listen or if you want to speak up and if you need to talk about something, it’s OK to say so and talk about it. You’re among brothers here we understand.

 

[RecoveringRicky]

I want to know if anyone who has memories around that age has been able to figure out completely what happened to them. I only have parts of certain memories, and for a long time (and still sometimes) tell myself that I might be lying or making it up.

Welcome! I just wanted to jump in on this one question. Yes, I do remember what happened around that age but they surfaced in fragments. So, don't discount only having parts of memories. Just tuck it away until more pieces emerge. I remember sharing fragments of things I remember from that time with my T, and they instantly picked up on red flags I'd missed. The same is true here on MS. I've had multiple moments of conversation or insights from others here that led me to question things about my childhood. And those questions unlocked more revelations. It's a puzzle sometimes-one we often don't want to finish-but I doubt such flashes of memory are made up by my own mind anymore.

 

[LittleSteve]

Yes, I mentioned before mine started at four about my husband who was also a survivor had memories from two years. What you’re describing is perfectly normal when something happens at that age.

I’m gonna recommend a book to you.

https://a.co/d/3VJGPfR

It’s called “The Body Remembers” and it will help explain what’s going on and why these memories are coming back the way they are and how the body does remember.

In short when the type of abuse happens at 7,8,9 and older, it’s different. Mine happened between four and six which is a key developmental period in our young lives and it actually rewires the brain. But a lot of what happens is stored is in a form called somatic. And what that means is it stored in your body rather than in your brain because of that young age, our brains aren’t developed enough to understand it.

So when I have memories that come back, I feel them as physical sensations, not necessarily an image in my mind And so when it happens that somebody like 2 to 3 that’s almost preverbal your brain doesn’t even have language to describe it so what happens is it stores it in the body.

So it can take all kinds of various forms to integrate these images. You have to re-experience them and integrate them just like a memory. It works the same way, so you may find now that this is coming out that you have at times very strange body sensations, a pain someplace that comes and goes a tingling sensation. Unusual things that you hadn’t experienced before. Those could be somatic sensations coming out in other words memories of the abuse that your body is playing.

And just a note there are used copies of the book you can get at a much lower cost. It does seem like it’s a lot of money in the beginning, but it’s like you can get a used copy. I think this will help you and a lot of people have read this book on this site and it may help explain quite a bit.

I can tell you for myself when I have somatic memories come back that they can be really strange and I’ve experienced like a tingling in my cheek, where I bit my inside of my mouth as part of the memory. They can be intensely strong where after the memory comes back, my muscles are sore for hours afterwards, and anything in between.

 

[crptxylh]

It works the same way, so you may find now that this is coming out that you have at times very strange body sensations, a pain someplace that comes and goes a tingling sensation. Unusual things that you hadn’t experienced before. Those could be somatic sensations coming out in other words memories of the abuse that your body is playing.

Hi LittleSteve thank you for the kind welcome, and this is exactly what I've had but didn't know it was a thing until recently. Whenever I remember the memories where I was in physical pain I feel a physical pain/ache in the same area. I will check out the book you recommended. Thank you!

 

[crptxylh]

Welcome! I just wanted to jump in on this one question. Yes, I do remember what happened around that age but they surfaced in fragments. So, don't discount only having parts of memories. Just tuck it away until more pieces emerge. I remember sharing fragments of things I remember from that time with my T, and they instantly picked up on red flags I'd missed. The same is true here on MS. I've had multiple moments of conversation or insights from others here that led me to question things about my childhood. And those questions unlocked more revelations. It's a puzzle sometimes-one we often don't want to finish-but I doubt such flashes of memory are made up by my own mind anymore.

Ever since I posted my story I don't feel like I made it all up anymore. And reading the stories of others and the effects its had on them and seeing how similar we are has helped. Thanks for the welcome!

 

[crptxylh]

Welcome. You can find many resources here to help you. You are on the right path. The sooner you deal with this the easier it is ultimately because you can heal faster and not wasting years of being scared and silent.

I feel like I've wasted most of my life without knowing it. Wasted childhood. But you're right, the time to heal is now. Thanks for the welcome!

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Hello everyone! I'm here because I realized that I need help, and I need someone that I can talk to about this. I'm 23 years old, and only in the last few years have I known what was wrong with me.

When I was 2-3 years old I was sexually abused. Every year thereon was just a downwards spiral. I got into pornography at 6 years old, with daily use by the time I turned 9. I could not go a day without having sexual thoughts.

When I was 12 I began sexting with adult men on chatting apps because I enjoyed their comments. At this age the memories first came back after I asked myself why I was the way I was, but I pushed them away and told myself it didn't affect me. By the time I turned 17 I reached a point where I couldn't be happy anymore. I couldn't stop sexting even though I loved my girlfriend. I couldn't bother taking care of myself. I couldn't bother with school.

By the time I turned 18 I was at my lowest. I had no motivation, no drive, no reason to live. I was not suicidal, but I believe I was on the path.

Then sometime after I turned 21 the memories came back. Except this time it became too much. This time I believed the memories, and I knew why I was the way I was. But instead of seeking help I tried to deal with it on my own, and it was too much. I became a very angry person, saying things I would never say otherwise and becoming very aggressive with others. I became severely depressed and just wanted to be alone.

I began searching on the internet for help, and found some help lines and such. I was not ready for the shame and anxiety of telling someone about what happened. But it felt good talking to someone. Ever since then I've told one good friend about it and it's one of the most nerve wracking things I've done. I'm no longer depressed though occasional bouts of sadness come and go, and I'm back in good health physically and mentally. I think getting on here is the next best step. I hope to meet good people and get better.

I will share my story soon because I want to know if anyone who has memories around that age has been able to figure out completely what happened to them. I only have parts of certain memories, and for a long time (and still sometimes) tell myself that I might be lying or making it up.

Thank you and hope to talk to you all!

Welcome. This place is doing it’s magic, often simply by sharing and knowing that you are not alone.
As for your question: I have vivid memories, visual and smells wise, when it comes to what I think was my first abuse around 6 years old. When I say I think I mean I hope with all my heart. There are single frames when I was younger, but there is no context. And I still have to understand how ready I am mentally to work on it.
Fact is that sharing thoughts, stories or doubts, and listening to others experiences, helps immensely with giving my past some emotional sense and the right triggers to force missing parts of my memory to the surface.
This place is safe, people don’t judge.
Raffa

 

[LittleSteve]

Hi LittleSteve thank you for the kind welcome, and this is exactly what I've had but didn't know it was a thing until recently. Whenever I remember the memories where I was in physical pain I feel a physical pain/ache in the same area. I will check out the book you recommended. Thank you!

Yes, that’s exactly what a somatic memory is

 

[Georgie]

I feel like I've wasted most of my life without knowing it. Wasted childhood. But you're right, the time to heal is now. Thanks for the welcome!

I think you should think of your life being wasted for you by others. You didn't do it yourself.

 

[crptxylh]

Welcome. This place is doing it’s magic, often simply by sharing and knowing that you are not alone.
As for your question: I have vivid memories, visual and smells wise, when it comes to what I think was my first abuse around 6 years old. When I say I think I mean I hope with all my heart. There are single frames when I was younger, but there is no context. And I still have to understand how ready I am mentally to work on it.
Fact is that sharing thoughts, stories or doubts, and listening to others experiences, helps immensely with giving my past some emotional sense and the right triggers to force missing parts of my memory to the surface.
This place is safe, people don’t judge.
Raffa

Thanks for the welcome!

 

[crptxylh]

I think you should think of your life being wasted for you by others. You didn't do it yourself.

Yeah I know in the end I was just a kid when all of this happened, and I wish it was easy to put the blame on all those people who used me but it's hard when I knew what I was doing and why and kept doing it. But I'll get there hopefully.

 

[LittleSteve]

and I wish it was easy to put the blame on all those people who used me but it's hard when I knew what I was doing and why and kept doing it.

I need to interject this for you, when you said why I knew what I was doing and kept doing it. That’s taking responsibility onto yourself, and I’m gonna be blunt. That’s completely wrong. You were a child, you had no responsibility, you had no agency you had no ability to say no, this was done to you. You were not complicit in this. This was beyond your ability to control. Your body was not ready for the sensations and had no ability to understand the meaning or be able to deal with them.

Let me make this crystal clear, none of this was your responsibility, you were a child. You had no control over this and that’s completely unrealistic to expect that.

Our young minds are not able to handle this, especially when it happens at such a young age and starts. Your brain gets rewired, and you have no saying it whatsoever. Our young brains are not able to handle this type of sexual activity, it sexualize us, it imprints patterns onto us, and it can affect us for a tremendously long time, most of the time the rest of our lives. It creates distortions and who we are and none of this is your responsibility.

You said you kept going back and even when you knew why, that doesn’t make any difference, that’s completely meaningless. You were conditioned and your body and mine were changed.

Somebody gave this example a while ago and I find it really helpful, would you feel the same way if a six-year-old boy that you cared about came and told you what was happening would you blame him. Would you say this is your fault, cause you went back to the porn, you went back to the abuser. Would you lay the blame on his little shoulders like you’re doing on your own. Or would you wanna hug him and do everything in your power to protect him from this, I suspect that’s would be your response.

You wouldn’t blame him, the blame rest with the abusers, the men who abused you online, none of it is your fault, or your responsibility.

 

[Maleelder]

Hello everyone! I'm here because I realized that I need help, and I need someone that I can talk to about this. I'm 23 years old, and only in the last few years have I known what was wrong with me.

When I was 2-3 years old I was sexually abused. Every year thereon was just a downwards spiral. I got into pornography at 6 years old, with daily use by the time I turned 9. I could not go a day without having sexual thoughts.

When I was 12 I began sexting with adult men on chatting apps because I enjoyed their comments. At this age the memories first came back after I asked myself why I was the way I was, but I pushed them away and told myself it didn't affect me. By the time I turned 17 I reached a point where I couldn't be happy anymore. I couldn't stop sexting even though I loved my girlfriend. I couldn't bother taking care of myself. I couldn't bother with school.

By the time I turned 18 I was at my lowest. I had no motivation, no drive, no reason to live. I was not suicidal, but I believe I was on the path.

Then sometime after I turned 21 the memories came back. Except this time it became too much. This time I believed the memories, and I knew why I was the way I was. But instead of seeking help I tried to deal with it on my own, and it was too much. I became a very angry person, saying things I would never say otherwise and becoming very aggressive with others. I became severely depressed and just wanted to be alone.

I began searching on the internet for help, and found some help lines and such. I was not ready for the shame and anxiety of telling someone about what happened. But it felt good talking to someone. Ever since then I've told one good friend about it and it's one of the most nerve wracking things I've done. I'm no longer depressed though occasional bouts of sadness come and go, and I'm back in good health physically and mentally. I think getting on here is the next best step. I hope to meet good people and get better.

I will share my story soon because I want to know if anyone who has memories around that age has been able to figure out completely what happened to them. I only have parts of certain memories, and for a long time (and still sometimes) tell myself that I might be lying or making it up.

Thank you and hope to talk to you all!

Welcome. You have found a place that others will provide a willing ear and give you a place where you are not alone in this journey. I was also molested beginning at age 5 and once I was 8 or 9 I began seeking out others to use me for pleasure as I enjoyed the attention I am an older guy that is here if you want to reach out.