Hello, I'm new and very sad...

[Struggling]

My husband and I have a very good relationship, we love one another and help each other out. Before we were engaged, we had dated for a time being and when he started having some personal problems (unbeknownst to me) he broke up with me. Anyway, a year later of not being together, he musters his way back to apologize and he told me some of the problems he was having, etc, and then he proceeds to tell me that he was a victim of sexual molestation/abuse by one of his relatives that went on during his early adolescence until his early teens. He did not feel comfortable talking about all the details and I did not push him for information, as it seemed too painful, so I dont know the nature of the abuse or by whom, just that it went on for probably a period of 5 years or so. Aside from the other problems he was having, he told me that he thought I would not accept him because he was damaged goods and that is why he broke up with me. Well, I accepted him back, forgave him for the breakup and assured him that his situation was not a reason for me not to love him, but we never really talked more about what he went through.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, we rented a movie called Sleepers, which I fell asleep on the movie but he watched pretty much all of it. I never found out what the movie was about because the next day, we did not even talk about it. Anyway, ever since then, he has been complaining about being sick, fever, lethargic, not showing any type of enthusiasm for the more important issues in our life, and last night, I just got purely upset. For the first time did I feel like I married a slacker. He obviously can sense my disappointment so this morning he e-mails me telling me that he thinks he is going through a depression and it just escalated when he saw that movie. I just found out that it depicted scenes of kids being molested.

Sorry so long, but getting to the point I dont know how to handle this. I have encouraged him to talk about it, if not me, then maybe a therapist but knowing him (the manly-man part) he will not do it as to not seem weak. I just dont know what else to do. If this were some physical problem, I could be of much more help, but when it comes to emotion and mental health, I feel lost. How can I help him (I just feel depressed myself just thinking about it)

Thanks.

 

[Mike Church]

Struggling there is not a lot you can do for him except be there. We are really different and I know how depression sets in.

I do have one suggestion. Tell him about us and to come and see us for himself. He needs to know that it was never his fault or guilt and most important I think that he is not alone dealing with the evil of SA. I would be no assault on his manhood, which, if he was like I was, is very fragile.

He will only find a great bunch of supportive guys who care. We are not a substitute for therapy but a sort of in addition to. If he becomes comfortable here he will be encouraged to seek therapy.

I came here 16 months ago and MS has had a really positive affect on me.

Tell him we are looking forward to meeting him. Some of us here have really great partners. Nicole, my wife, has been with me for almost 37 years. You seem to be one of those truly great ladies too.

 

[AB]

Your story brought a tear to my eye.The exact same thing happened to me with my husband...it started out by just being general lethargy and excuses about too much work. Try not to push him too much but he needs to know that you will love him and support him through this if he is ready to get counselling. i let it be my partners decision, because only he can decide whether he is ready and willing to do something about it. You may be in for a very hard road-remember to take care of yourself first so that you have the strength to support him if that's what you decide to do. Don't feel guilty if there are times you need to take a break or can't handle it-just keep the communication open with him. This can be an amazing learning experience for you, too, but please do mention this website to him and encourage him to get into counselling, it is the only way forward. The memories of SA do not just go away.Reading really helped me understand as well-check out Amazon for books that can help partners-knowledge is power as they say.

 

[Lloydy]

Struggling
every time I read a post like yours I wonder "what the hell can we do ?"

Somehow we have to get the message out to other guys that therapy and seeking help IS the manly thing to do. It's the route back to the life we were destined to live as men.

But that's a wider problem, what you want is practical help.
Most of us Survivors agree on a few main things, therapy by a specialist in abuse, or someone who has good experience at least, is more or less essential.

The problem is we can't be dragged there kicking and screaming, we have to make that decision and walk throught he therapists door because it's OUR choice.
Sounds grim so far doesn't it ? don't despair.
You 'know' your man, you know how to plant the ideas and encourage him to make that decision, so that's worth a try.
The 'golden rule' is "support and support", if he makes a decision and it seems to be the right one then go with it, if it's maybe not so good, go with it again. And if it fails then be there to pick up the pieces. The real hard part is trying to do this without judging him for what he's done, and especially for the shame and guilt he ( wrongly ) feels.

Am I describing a good time ? no I'm not. We're a difficult bunch of guys with some big problems. And I'm the first to admit that my wife has had some hard time with me. But she's been there for me throughout my healing over the last 5 years.
I hadn't told her about the abuse for the first 25 years of our marriage, so she must have had some issues about the trust between us, I know she did !
But we trust now.

She stayed the course because she loves me, and I now know how much I love her. So the crap is something we get over. On my good days I tell her how much I love her, and how much her support means to me. On the bad days I'm a pig. The good days get more frequent though, and we both have a common goal. 100 % GOOD DAYS !

Something I have suggested before is buying Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer" - possibly the best book on the subject with a great chapter for partners. Once you get it, leave it lying around where he'll see it and I bet he wont be able to resist picking it up. That way he'll see that he's not alone. It might work, you obviously have better judgement on that than me.
The book, and others, are available from Amazon via this websites home page, that way we get a % as well.
Here's the link to the booklist -

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Bookstore/index.htm

The most important thing of all though is you.
Always remember that it's his problem and you can't do the healing for him. And if you burn yourself out then you're not going to be able to help him at all, so take care of yourself above all.

If you need support then this is a terrific forum, I guess you've had a look around anyway. These partners are for real, and they're awesome.

Dave

 

[SAR]

Struggling

I don't know if this will make any sense but here goes. My boyfriend is also extremely therapy resistant. Also pretty anxious about anything regarding "masculinity." One thing that's done a lot for him, and that I think I've been able to help with, is realizing that he is more than his problems--that he's not permanently damaged. Part of why he wanted no part of a therapist is because he didn't think it would help, because nothing could fix him. The truth is, HE doesn't need "fixing"... he's not his depression, he's not his abuse... depression and abuse are THINGS that have happened TO him, but he will be the same Not-Permanently-Screwed Up man that he always was, once those things can be recognized and dealt with.

My boyfriend is one of those men who can't keep their hands off something if you say "it's broken, I just don't know what's wrong with it, maybe a wire..." Once he could see himself as the whole temporarily broken machine and not as just the bad wire, he WANTED to get up and "fix" himself. It was like a challenge.

So, how do you help someone to see all of himself and not just the damaged part? I guess if that damaged part is so overwhelming, it's easier to build an identity around it than to have no identity at all. Maybe you can help him by just letting him have more to be--a loving partner and friend, a family member, a friend to others, a member of groups/communities... maybe you can help him notice and appreciate what's good and healthy in his life... of course you don't want to push him to heal but there's nothing wrong with taking a depressed buddy out of the house for the afternoon, that's just what friends do.

take care
SAR