Hello, I'm back!

Hello, I'm back!
B

Brian35

Registrant
I left in a melodramatic huff last week and I'm sorry -- I'm not like that at all!

So I'm back... I posted my story in the story section and I hope to post here more, but probably will lurk more than post till I figure out where I fit in. I just hate being self-absorbed, and woe-is-me, because when I see some of your stories that are truly awful and the fragile state some people are in, I think maybe I don't have it so bad.

But my problems have been:

-- I'm 35 and have never had sex apart from my childhood situation. I just can't get it up, too many anxieties, and of course it just gets self-perpetuating. So I even fear to date because when it gets to the sex part I back out and of course the relationship doesn't last. (Viagra isn't an easy solution -- if girlfriends found out, they'd run away thinking I must have serious issues if I can't get it up on my own).

-- I had convinced myself in my teens my childhood experience was "just playing around" despite that it was highly age-inappropriate behavior, because I didn't want to see myself as a "victim."

-- By my mid-20s' I was having the impotence problems and saw a sex therapist, spent a lot of time (and $$) basically BSing to him at how great my childhood was, said nothing about the sex experiences, and just concentrated on my present day relationships with women. Then a few months into it he said "you've mentioned that one friend 'Robert' a lot" (I didn't think I did more than maybe a couple times?!) and I said "hmmmm, I don't think so, I hardly knew him" and the therapist just looked at me knowingly, waiting for me to continue. Just sat there as I got more nervous. Then he said "What happened?" softly... I have no idea how he zeroed in on that. It was like BINGO and I just burst out in tears, first time in years. So apparently it WAS a factor in my life despite trying to convince myself it wasn't.

-- We dealt with my experience in a good way, which included objectively looking at it and systematically writing down all the details, thoughts and feelings in a journal just for myself (that was what I posted in the story section, pretty much cut and paste). I was still holding back (and did not post here either) a very disturbing/embarassing one-time incident with this friend Robert and his older cousin, but I figured it was part of the same time frame so there was no need to elaborate.

-- The impotence thing he told me was self-perpetuating because the first time (in college) I was with a girl sexually, we got off our clothes and I wasn't hard due to my not-so-long-ago childhood experiences (he thought), and even though the girl was nice about it, I avoided further situations where that might happen again and turned to porn. Then over time the perfectness of the porn compared to the imperfections of real human beings made it worse, so we were actually starting a "treatment" course where I'd shift from artificially perfect porn to the "amateur" porn with girls with slight potbellies, etc more like real women I'd meet. It was kind of starting to work when I had to move due to my job.

-- I pronounced myself "cured" anyway, but the anxieties lingered and I turned to food and ballooned up. Then I got ahold of myself and became an excercise-a-holic and trimmed down and felt great, but then felt "now what" and became a workaholic for a few years (90-100 hours a week). Then I switched jobs where that was discouraged and became an alchoholic (geez, you can't win!). I've been working on that, from 6-8 drinks a day now down to just 2-3 and every few days I skip... AA really turned me off with the god stuff, but I may look around for alternatives.

Anyway, here I am, I recently turned 35 and realized I still had problems, everything wasn't fine like I was trying to convince myself. And after knowing for so long I was "straight" I found myself sexually responding a little more to the guys in the porn, so I'm back to being confused. I'll probably start therapy again soon.

Sorry for this woe-is-me, I know maybe my situation is mild compared to others, but I just thought I'd kind of introduce myself, so here I am... whatever that's worth!
 
Brian,

I haven't read your story yet. I don't know when I'll get around to it. Each of our stories is sad, including yours. Looking at other stories and justifying to yourself that yours wasn't so bad is a form of denial.

Sex is a great deal emotional, as you have seen. Viagra won't take away emotional issues. I for a long time have avoided sex and when I did it took awhile for things to work. I need to have an emotional connection. Which in itself isn't too bad of a thing, or is it? Any girl worth anything, won't run away. If a girl does, she wasn't the one for you anyways and it's her loss.

The first part of healing is acknowledging your abuse. Otherwise you have nothing to work through in those regards. Analogy: you won't change the tire, until you acknowledge you have a flat.

Healing requires you to be honest with yourself. A therapist is a professional guide in this journey. They are useless unless you are honest with them. They are not mind readers and not miracle workers. No magic wand, poof, everything is alright. Seeing a therapist without being honest and working on it, is a waste of money and a waste of their and your time.

Journaling is a good release. Both to get things out and to see what they are. In order to see what your issues are, you need to let it out, not hold it back. Unless you are working on your penmanship. As far as posting, only post that which you are comfortable posting. Going beyond your comfort level can really stress you out and bring the anxiety level up.

Cure isn't the word that applies here, healing, something that happens within us. There are a lot of things we do to avoid our issues, ways of hiding from them. Overeating, working to excess (how my father tells me to deal with anything), drinking, drugs, anything done to avoid. You have realized yours, now you can really begin to heal.

I personally am a fan of therapy now. Now that I am participating in it and have a good T. My previous experiences were of the I was forced to be there and therefore revolted by saying and doing nothing and having seen a really bad one. Read Ken Singer's article on shopping for a T, get one that meets your needs and work at it-be honest with yourself-put in the hard work.

Always feel free to post your concerns and thoughts. This is your healing journey and part of it is opening up. Take your time and don't push it to being uncomfortable and overloading yourself.

Take care,
Bill
 
Those are some good thoughts, thank you.

I'm now wondering whether I should have posted my story. I don't think some people should read it because it is "triggering" and very explicit and detailed (to the point of "then I moved my leg here, then I looked there, then I thought this and then he did this" etc).

I am kind of in denial, though, you are right. I will start to look for another therapist this week... And related to that, is there a general consensus of type of therapist? I used to go to a sex therapist who was certified as far as that goes and was very good (he himself was a SA survivor, though with an adult female perpetrator).

Or do most say to stick to psychiatrists, or just general therapists?
 
Brian,

I read your story and was not triggered. But some might be. You could go back and edit it and add (Triggers) to the title if you wanted.

Peace,

Marc
 
Adding your story was a brave act, and I thank you for it. Yes, it is graphic, but it shows that your are a true human, not just an emalgamation of issues.
I am truly sorry for what you have been through, and I hope you can find the help you need.
My therapist specializes in sexual abuse, and it is helping me enormously. If you can find a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse, that may help you more than one that deals with sexual addiction.
Be strong, and eventually your journey will lead you to healing.
Casey
 
Brian:
You got some good advice here. The "addictions" you have been going through are pretty common. See:
https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm

Also, there is an article titled "A Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping". I can't go back to highlight the link here or I'll lose what I've written (as I just did a minute ago.) You can find it among the articles for survivors.

Good luck,
Ken
 
Brian,
I believe this the one Ken is talking about: https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/consumer.htm

If not Ken sorry. I know this one helped me when I first started looking. The biggest one I have the problem with is remembering they work for me.

James
 
Brian,

I have not seen your story yet, so I don't know if it's there, it's edited, or what. There's no real reason to deny yourself the chance to tell your story. Things like threats don't sit well, but telling what happened to you is probably just fine. Tag it by adding the "Triggers" label in the subject if you're really worried. If it's in the Survivor Stories section, I would expect that it might have triggers anyway.

Glad you were able to make it back. I did a lot of lurking myself before I started posting here. (Now they can't shut me up! :D )

The kinds of problems you've mentioned are actually pretty much par for the course. Sexual dysfunction, addiction, fear of intimacy, etc seem to find their way into many of our lives. Certainly into mine.

Bill's exactly right about the need for honesty. You can BS a therapist for a while (and that's often an expensive way to spend time), but as long as you BS yourself, you can't make any real progress.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi Brian:

Welcome back. All I can say is I know where you are coming from. I am an alcoholic ( In AA for a long time- Like you I did not like the good stuff but you know what it wears off on you. I hated how they behaved but wanted what they had-Now I feel differently) I am a recovered Heroin Addict. I have suffered from Anorexia and Bulimia depending on what part of the weight cycle I was on. I was a prostitute (addicted to it). I have been a workaholic and a complete assas most of my adult life. Ime changing all tha though. I can still be an ass but a smaller one.

It is easy to get into a huff- I know that one. Hey we all do it. I get it when the poor mes strike and someone tries to help.
 
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