Hello I Suppose: Acceptance at last?

[Tableau in Stasis]

I joined this space a month ago, opened the site a grand total of once and then shoved it away from fear. Despite being unavoidably aware that my severely emotionally abusive bipolar mother wasn't the only sour of my truama; I struggle to think that potentially multiple rapes, CSEM, and abuse were present in my childhood. Ar first I denied with works of logic "It's not possible, mom was too much of a control obsessed helicopter parent" but as the pieces of my memory start to click each reasoning is put to rest. It's Occam's Razor, there isn't a better simpler explanation for the triggers traumas and flashbacks than them having actual basis. The brain doesn't frequently imagine such things even as a result of truama. And yet, with a memory of most of my life still incredibly spotty I know not who hurt me save two guesses, know not whose Cash Cow I was as a valuable piece of sick media and nothing more. I'm in touch with an advocacy service with ties to detectives and the FBI if they need but I don't know enough to stop what likely still happens today. To not cross into the Survivor Stories purview too much I'll close with a more typical introduction though one I need to say.

I, Stasis was assaulted between 8-12, exploited, verbally abused from 3-17, and in recent years found myself in a string of abusive relationships that almost added to the SA count due to blind forced ignorance.

Time to stop ignoring the truth

 

[Nix]

Hey Stasis, welcome.
I'm new here too and I lurked for awhile before deciding to join and start talking about my shit. I'm glad you wanna take charge of this shit now, not 10, or 20 , or more years down the line. I tried so hard to ignore my abuse for a decade or more and even after acknowaldging it it took anthor near decade before I was ready to seek professional help and start talking. It takes guts to do that man, and a willingness to give in and say that you want help and advice and to reach out to others. That is hard for anyone to admit, to needing help. Good on you, and we are here for you.

 

[Tableau in Stasis]

Hey Stasis, welcome.
I'm new here too and I lurked for awhile before deciding to join and start talking about my shit. I'm glad you wanna take charge of this shit now, not 10, or 20 , or more years down the line. I tried so hard to ignore my abuse for a decade or more and even after acknowaldging it it took anthor near decade before I was ready to seek professional help and start talking. It takes guts to do that man, and a willingness to give in and say that you want help and advice and to reach out to others. That is hard for anyone to admit, to needing help. Good on you, and we are here for you.

I spoke to several (now former) friends I knew had experienced similar truama and they helped me come to terms with the whole idea of it. The reason I managed to post today is that since this past when I've finally been out of the house and away from my mother. I've been safe enough for things to resurface, and to finally think about the past, instead the immediate now. I've briefly discussed it with my current therapist but it's not within her training much as she's new but I'll hopefully be transferring to a specialist in complex truama and dissociation (extreme dissociation being my primary defense and presumably responsible for the large majority of my life's memories being mostly inaccessible).

 

[ak96]

Welcome Stasis. The bravery it takes to begin sharing your story even if it is online to strangers is not to be taken lightly. I applaud you. The truth is we are not strangers. We are your brothers and we hear you. We support you and we understand. I encourage you to keep writing; even if it is a private journal and not the forum. I too disassociate. I am learning how to ground myself and this forum has helped so much. I hope you find some healing as well from MS.

 

[Tableau in Stasis]

Welcome Stasis. The bravery it takes to begin sharing your story even if it is online to strangers is not to be taken lightly. I applaud you. The truth is we are not strangers. We are your brothers and we hear you. We support you and we understand. I encourage you to keep writing; even if it is a private journal and not the forum. I too disassociate. I am learning how to ground myself and this forum has helped so much. I hope you find some healing as well from MS.

I greatly appreciate the brotherhood welcome I have received here. I do desperately wanted something like that for many years which like as not played into my vulnerability come to think of it. I actually am pursuing assessment for a dissociative disorder because of that extreme high level dissociation from a young age, and the constant truama from even younger.