Hello from Orodo

Hello from Orodo
O

orodo

Registrant
Some of you may or may not remember me...I have been visiting MS (FKA NOMSV) Since March, 2002. Lotsa of healing for me here, some new wounds opened etc. My story like the rest...I was abused, starting with a priest who used to jerk me off in the sacristy, I told an older boy, who lived next door, who was maybe 17, and he told me he liked to play those "games" too, and he proceeded to abuse me as well. He made me bring my best friend over to play "games" and my second perp got him too. I proceeded to act out sexually from that same age with boys, men, girls, and women. 30 males, 15 females, that I can remember...

I was betrothed to be married to a woman who chose to co-erce a decision to be "straight and committed" or "gay and dead". I married her in 1989, and now have three boys, aged 12, 10, and 6.

When I started dealing with my "issues" when the RC Church scandals broke, my wife said "I'll be with you, no matter what." That was my greatest fear, and she made me feel as though I might make it. I came to NOMSV, went to a LCSW Therapist weekly, joined a Male SA Survivors group meeting for 13 weeks over last summer, started seeing a Psychiatrist for meds. Psych DX was PTSD and major depresssion. Started out on Effexor 150MG, changed to Zoloft 40MG, changed to Celexa 40MG, Lexapro 10MG then 20 MG, now on Remeron 45 MG. None of it works. Wife has threatened me, to throw me out, take away the kids, make me lose my job, all we have worked for the last 15 years, she wants to take it away. She vascillates between support and kicking me out. I've done EMDR therapy to help with the rage against my perps, both of whom still live in my home town, the second of which actually lives with his parents in the same house where some of my abuse occurred, next door to my Mom and Dad's home. I've told so many people this story I can't even remember anymore who knows what. All the T's, my Mom and Dad, my Sisters, my Boss, some of my co-workers, the HR director at work, the CEO etc etc...feels like I'm making an excuse for my inadequacies...

Now the Psychiatrist "strongly suggests" Marriage Counseling, Family Therapy (since I am so short fused with the kids, now they need help too???) and something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Last week wife said she is all for marriage counseling, today i attempted to book the appointment, she will not go during "work time" or "me time" or "any time". It's up to me to "change" and behave differently if I want to continue living here.

BTW, I used to moderate in the chat room under the name "Orodo". Moderator status was not appropriate for me anymore, as I was in the room while abusing meds and drinking...

So if you see me in chat, I've taken a new nick, "Tel Orod" which is similar in meaning to my old nick. If any of you are into the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, JRR Tolkein, and the subsequent languages derived from the literature, you will recognize it as Sindarin. Means "Of the Mountain". My real name has something to do with mountains, and I live in the LOTR fantasy world in my own head most of the time, so a LOTR nick was appropriate, IMHO.

Well, that's enuff rambling about me...


I miss my chats with old friends too...

I miss Quimik, Arden, Tomas, Healing Brother, Urso Bear, Thad, and there are many others missing and unaccounted for.

Here's a cheers to the MIA brothers in healing.

And as the Teleri might say to a brother...

"Seere Torror'" (Peace Brother)

and a survivor might say

LYLAB (Love You Like A Brother)

See you when I come out from the dark side...
 
BTW does anyone else have experience with Borderline Personality Disorder? The Psychiatrist did not come out and say this was my latest DX. He did say he's noted a change in my personality since June of 02, and the Dialectical BEhavioral Therapy is the recommended course to treat BPD. Takes one year, two hour group session, plus one hour 1 on 1 session...

HOW MANY T'S DOES ONE NEED?
 
HI Mike Church here. I can relate to your story and the drugs. If you want to know more about me check my posts. I started on paxil, switched to effexor 300mg then reduced it to 75 and took welbutrin. This was because I was diagnosed as having ADHD as well as being sexually abused. Now I am off the welbrutrin and am on Ritalin which is a stimulant medication. I was unable to concentrate on anything that bored or upset me. I found I had ADHD all my life. I was known as hyperactive in school and my report cards all stated I was not working to my potential. I craved the adrenelin rush and still do. But I have to say that Things are much calmer now that I am taking the Ritalin.
My rage was always directed inwards or at my wife and daughter (easy taggets and they could not fire me). Now I am trying my best to change that. It is a struggle but the new drugs are helping. I am 62 years old now and as a child I was physically abused by my father, grandfathers and uncles and at 16 I was raped and beaten repeatedly by three guys over a 9 month period at Military College. Subsequently because of other things I spent 3 years or so on the street as a male prostitute and a heroin addict. Could it be that you have adhd. Just a thought cause your story sounds a bit like mine
 
To everyone that reads this I want to let them know that Orodo and I have developed a very good friendship since I started coming to NOMSV/Male Survivor. For some reason the fact that we both experienced cleggy abuse seems to bond us. I can relate to many of the things that Orodo deals with/ has delt with. I feel he is further along in his recovery in some ways and he has helped me to know what is in store for me with my T's. But there are aloso some things that I have experienced that I have tried to help him through.


Now the Psychiatrist "strongly suggests" Marriage Counseling, Family Therapy (since I am so short fused with the kids, now they need help too???) and something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Last week wife said she is all for marriage counseling, today i attempted to book the appointment, she will not go during "work time" or "me time" or "any time". It's up to me to "change" and behave differently if I want to continue living here. [/QB]
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Let me say that while I have never had a very good relationship with anyone .... so maybe I am not a good one to talk ..... I do know that a relationship takes two people working in a 50/50 partnership. I know that with my ex I wanted it to work so bacly that I was giving 75% and he was only giving 25%. ( Wait I need to put that .... he was only willing to give 25%) If both parties are willing to give 110% then it will work. But if it is not equal ... eventually one of the partners will feel cheeted.

I know from our talks Orodo that your wife uses you kids as a pawn. If you don't behave you will never see them again. I also know how much you love those kids ... and they are great kids. I know you say that the youngest tells you he hates you ... but what he really hates if the fighting between you. When we are in a private chat and you talk about him ... I can see how you "light up" . You love him and he does love you.


BTW, I used to moderate in the chat room under the name "Orodo". Moderator status was not appropriate for me anymore, as I was in the room while abusing meds and drinking... [/QB]
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I don't know all the details about you being removed from a moderator ... but I do know that I was upset when you stoped coming into chat. When I was going through the CRAP with the minister at the church and the Threats of a slander lawsuit you were there for me.

I admit that maybe your drinking was not the best solution for dealing with the problems you were having .... but I think all of us have done some things that we have later regreted. I know I have. While I do not drink ( I had an alcoholic drug addict for a roommate in college ) I know that each of us has their own way of dealing with their pain.

I miss my chats with old friends too...

I miss Quimik, Arden, Tomas, Healing Brother, Urso Bear, Thad, and there are many others missing and unaccounted for.

[/QB]
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Fine. I can take a hint ..... you don't miss talking to me. :p

No. In reality I miss the chats that we all used to have. Before the L C incident. That event seemed to destroy the bond that we all had. I know that I don't go into chat nearly like I used to. I used to rush home from work to get into chat to see who of my friends would be there. Now I go in occasionally ... but everyone is in a provate chat.

I used to talk to Thad and get advice on what I was doing. I haven't seen him in chat for probably 2 months.

I miss the good old days.


Orodo. I know that things are rough. If I could I would call your wife and tell her that IF she wants this to work she needs to try too. She wants YOU to change. Both of you need to change your behaviors if this is going to work.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

John
 
Orodo
It's good to see you back here, even if things are still a bit fragile for you.
let's hope we can help some.

And get digging in the music collection again !
Dave :D
 
Great to see you back. Orodo they just don.t understand how the SA can have such a strong hold on you. I lost my job in Dec . the SA was getting in the way both outside work and at work. We did a lot of printing for the RC church. It was a bit of a relief to get away from all the triggers of work.
I hope you can work things out with your wife so that your boys will always be with you, they need you.I do know how much they mean to you. Last summer when we where in chat you showed photos from your family outing and things seemed to be happy. So many little things can bring us cratching down. Hope things go well for you in the next few months, will look for you in chat .Muldoon
 
Chey, it's hard to miss our chats, we chat every day pal it seems...

Thanks for the kind words Michael, Lloydy and Muldoon. I pray for what i dunno, but i pray..
 
Orodo, a lot of times I pray and don't know what I'm praying for. Sometimes, when I pray, I find out...

Victor
 
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