Hello everyone

Hello everyone
O

Overburdened78

Registrant
Hello all, I'm new here.
Looking for a little help.
I'm Dennis, 25 years old with custody of my 17 year old brother. Our mother was raped when she was a young girl and I'm the result of that nightmare, she never let me forget it either. Years later after she married, she had my brother Brian. Turns out the guy she married, Brian's dad, is a fucking sadistic, abusive, alcoholic prick, to put it mildly. I spent most of my younger years taking abuse from this guy, every kind you can imagine. When mom got pregnant it eased up some, then Brian came along when I was 8. Brian became this guys excuse. "Dennis either you do this or you do that, or you let me do this or that or I'll hurt the baby". So what's a kid supposed to do right? He hurt both of us anyway. I got the worst of it, one because I was older, two because being older I tried to protect Brian, three because I wasn't this guys real kid.
Who knows...
Anyway, I've tried to deal with my issues regarding the abuse but then again, I haven't. I've been helping my brother for such a long time with his issues that I've forgotten about my own.
I don't even know where to begin at this point.

I appreciate any thoughts on this.
 
I know how it feels to put your stuff on the back burner. I get so loaded down with school, work, etc...that I hardly feel I have time to deal with anything else. Welcome here man! We're glad to have you! I'm Scott
 
Thanks Scott, nice to meet you.

In a way it was okay to put my stuff on the back burner, I had to help Brian and it was a convenient way to stay in denial about my own issues. But I just can't keep up this pace anymore. I can't give up on him, he still needs a lot of support, but I can't ignore my own issues anymore either.

What are you in school for?
 
What a true name--Overburdened. You are carrying so much. I'm sorry life handed you so much, but I am glad you found this place. There are so many men here who have been through similar trauma. And I'm constantly amazed at how we all seem to feel similar emotions and deal (or not) with life in similar ways.

You're not alone.

The biggest help for me was therapy. Finding a good therapist is like finding a good partner in life, but the search is worth it. I met with the same therapist for 11 years, and it changed my life. Then, coming to this place changed it again, because knowing that real men out there have also been abused and are fighting the same fights made it seem like I wasn't quite so crazy.

Hang in there. My therapist told my wife to stop being my therapist and let him do his job. She was becoming overburdened, too. Does your brother have a therapist? Take care of yourself. We're here to listen.
 
Thank you so much,
Brian has had a therapist for the past year and he's been doing well. He still goes through periods of confusion, depression, anger but he's learning the tools he needs to deal with those times. Funny part here is when I think about taking care of myself I feel totally guilty, along with feeling generally guilty about our childhood. I've always had to be strong and unafraid for him, he doesn't see that I'm completely overwhelmed because he's always had so much of his own bullshit to wade through he can't see anyone elses. I don't have a therapist yet. I've sat in on Brians sessions now and then but it's about him not me.
 
Dennis, A kid putting himself in harms way to protect a smaller kid is heroic. But even heros have needs.

With a few months of therapy under my belt, I think that ASKING for help was the moment my recovery process started. ForeverFighting is wise in suggesting finding a good therapist who understands the issues. This group is also useful in breaking the isolation and the silence.

Here are four books I found useful:

'The Drama of Being a Child' by Alice Miller. She describes cycles of negative behaviour that pass down generations of a family.

'Homecoming' by John Bradshaw. This is about Inner Child Therapy. He runs workshops in the USA and Canada.

'Victims No Longer' by Mike Lew. This is a British book about surviving sexual abuse; I am sure there are several American equivalents.

'Facing Codependence' by Pia Mellody. A useful book for people that have learned to put others' interests first.

Remember, books are no substitute for appropriate therapy.

Best wishes,

David
 
David, thanks for the names of the books.
I know I need therapy too, sort of afraid to face my own demons I guess. This is actually the very first time I've ever done anything like this, attempted to take a look at my own issues.
Hero? Nah, nothing heroic about it really, started out based on threats and fear that my brother would be hurt in the same way that I was. I thought about it, after going through at least a dozen shades of fear and confusion myself I figured, hell, I've already been through it, what's a little more right? I wish I knew then what I know now, and I wish I had a dime for everytime I said that! I'm reluctant to even go here, but the very last straw was when Brian's father demanded that Brian and I do sexual things together, to each other. It happened once and I tell ya I hate myself for it. The very next night I packed my shit, gathered my brother and left that house. At first Brian said he didn't remember but after a while he admitted that he did. He never wanted to speak about it and I was just fine with that. But inside it tears me up. Does he blame me? does he even trust me? I don't see why he would.
I'm rambling on here.
Thanks again!
 
Hello there:
I am another David writing. I am rather new here myself and my abuse was long term and from my own father. While thankfully I didn't have a brother to protect, I did always feel I needed to protect my mom from him. In one of your posts you said you feel guilty about taking care of yourself. I totally understand that feeling as I have it to. I do struggle with the feeling that in some way this all is my fault. I know from the help of lots of guys in this site that it was not, but I felt that way most of my life so its hard to believe. I am sure your brother won't blame you in any for what happened, especially now he is in therapy. I bet he ends up appreciating you for rescuing him from that place. Well I don't know what else to say except, I think if you stay around this site longer, you will find a lot of good guys will be there for you. If you ever want to talk further, you can always contact me as well.

David
 
Hello Dennis.

Your story has me in tears, Bro, but that's OK. What good are we anyhow if we can't feel another's pain once in a while?

Dennis, the fact that you've been watching over your brother all these years shows that you have a loving, caring heart. That evil man took that loving and caring heart and abused it for his own sexual and sadistic gratification. One of the first things survivors like us need to learn to hear is that abuse is NEVER the fault of the one abused. There is nothing the child could have done to change the outcome of what happened to him. Believe me, I tried and only ended up getting abused in a different way that I couldn't see coming.

You're not alone now, Dennis. You've taken those first tentative steps in seeking your own healing from this terrible thing called sexual abuse. We'll be here to help you along the path you've started down. Talking about your pain is mandatory, and at some point you'll need to find a therapist.

We've got your back every step of the way, Bro. We'll travel this road together. No matter how bad it hurts, just keep talking to us. We'll be here because you are worth it.

Lots of love,

John
 
Hello, Dennis. Nothing new to add to what has been said. Just wanted you to know that I have read what you have written, and welcome you. I'm sorry about everything that happened to you and your brother and must disagree with you when you say you're not a hero. You really are. You will meet many men here who were heroes as children. I am not one of them, so I get to be amazed and touched by their stories and their bravery every day. You are certainly one of them. Some day I hope you can be as proud of that young boy protecting his little brother as I am.

Bobby
 
Thanks guys for all the support and kind words here, I never expected it.

John, sorry you were in tears over my post, but I agree about feeling the pain of others. If we can't do that we're not even human.

David, I'm sorry you feel the guilt too. After a life time of putting someone else first it feels funny even thinking about taking care of your own needs, our needs never mattered, they should have.

Bobby, thanks, I have to disagree with you when you say you're not a hero. In my opinion any kid who gets abused and survives is a hero. Of course I can see that in others, just not myself.

I've looked around here some and I keep seeing the phrase "It wasn't your fault, it's not your fault". For whatever reason I never felt like it was my fault. My stepdad was the grown up, he made the choices and decisions, he ran the house, his word was law. I was 8 years old and had no one else to turn too, no one to ask questions, no one to even compare things with. What the hell did I know. All I knew was one day (from the eyes of an 8 year old) there's this 10 foot tall 350lb monster, out of control with the devil in his eyes. I knew I didn't do anything wrong, I also knew I had no chance what so ever to get away, talk him out of it or fight back. I soon learned that crying wasn't even allowed. Christ how could that be my fault? I wasn't bad, I did what I was told, did my chores, picked up my room, took care of my mom when she needed help. There are only two reasons I could come up with for what happened to me. One, he's just sick, something wrong in his head and must have really hated himself. Too much of a coward to take it out on himself or admit it and get help so he had to take it out on a defenseless woman and child. Two, convenience. I was there. Then there's always the fact that my mother treated me like shit. She didn't plan me or want me, I basically ruined her life. She made that loud and clear. Since she hated me herself I'm guessing that gave him the green light to treat me like shit too. He knew I'd never run to her for help and he knew even if I did she'd never take my side.
But me, that's one thing. My brother? well that's a whole other ball game. Yes I do feel guilty that my brother had to suffer, I do feel guilty that I couldn't do more to help him while we were there. I blame myself for every time he got hurt. Only peace he ever new was his sports. That actually saved him now and then believe it or not. The monster would be all fired up and ready to hurt someone but there was a game on that Brian was totally into watching. So Brian got left alone and he came after me instead. Me? sports? I don't think so and that just made the temptation even more for the monster. Just another good excuse on his list to hurt me. I mean come on, if I'm going to "act like a girl I'm going to be treated (fucked) like one" right?
Yes, that makes PERFECT sense to me. NOT.

This is longwinded, I get carried away and lost in thought sometimes.
 
Dennis, I'm in school for Rhetoric and Writing/Film Studies. I'm a senior and I'm going to Graduate School so someday I can teach college film and research writing courses.
 
Dennis, your story above kindled these thoughts.
Throughout all of this, the thing that my little kid can never comprehend is not being loved. One of the worst things I can think of is sending a child into this world with no love waiting for him to help him make sense of things. Without it, the whole place just doesn't make sense at all. You just sort of walk around while things happen to you. You have no means even to try to understand. Survival is an instinct, so you do that. I think of it sort of like a little kid walking through a battle zone....nothing there but ashes, destruction and smoke. He keeps walking, because there's no place to sit down, no place to rest. He doesn't know where he's supposed to go, only that he can't stay where he is. So he just keeps walking. It's a horrible weariness for a little kid. I'm starting to learn that that an empty heart can be reclaimed. It's almost scarier to let that happen than to hold on to what you've known. But if you can open up and let it, the kid, even though you've grown up around him, can still feel love and think of the world as something more than just a place where you keep walking for no reason, and then you die.

I,m starting to really believe that it is possible to heal a wounded child.....no matter how old he has become.

Bobby
 
Bobby, the unknown is always the scariest place to go. I'm glad you're starting to believe. Wanting it is one thing, but you can't have it unless you believe it. After spending a day poking around here I think everyone knows about being in that battlefield.
There's always a way out.
 
Dennis,

Wow, youve poured out so much in your first venture here at MS. You are streets ahead of me at least from when I first joined. On that, Im so glad you found us. This has to be one of the webs best kept secrets!

It certainly does seem like you are ready to work on you and youe recovery by some of the stuff youve been sharing. Thankyou for doing that with all of us here. As I read posts from the others guys (and yours too) I got spoken to again myself. It normally happens that way. We end up helping each other.

I noted the subject of being a hero was raised. My therapist just told that to me last week again, and I did my usual brush off on that particular comment. I told here I didnt like the term or didnt like it being used to describe me. Not surprising was her response. She says many victims/survivors have difficulty accepting that. They (me included) believe we did nothing heroic nor deserving of the term. In fact, we often feel guilty about aspects of the abuse or its ramifications on others. I noted that in several responses in this thread.

Her take is that to actually survive the abuse and get to where we are now, regardless of how screwed up or affected we may feel is heroic in itself. And, to then be confronting our abuse and working through recovery is also heroic. She mentioned other stuff as well but I was crying by them and didnt really take in much more nor understand it. Oh well

On crying, you mentioned part of WalkingSouths post (John) about:
John, sorry you were in tears over my post, but I agree about feeling the pain of others. If we can't do that we're not even human.
Click to expand...
I wanted to add a dynamic about emotions from my perspective at least, that the only way I could get through life thus far was to actually feel NO emotions. It was my coping mechanism. Feel no painfeel no pain. Problem with that solution was that I grew up to be a man without feeling or emotion. Not a heartless dead person, but one that couldnt easily express emotions. Im getting better.

I actually smiled at Johns teary comment. His posts have actually made me get wet eyes on occasions a new and progressive part of my recovery.

So, I do feel the pain of others. Im just now trying to learn how to feel safe to allow myself to express that pain and feel all those emotions. Its scary stuff for me Dennis.

Thats what I wanted to share with you and the others on that point. Please dont think I was having a go at you on that. The comment about being human actually spoke volumes to me. I actually felt not human for so long because of those emotions that were suppressed for so long. If any of you are trekkies, youll be able to relate to this: I thought I would have made the perfect Vulcan. Total control of all emotions. None. Very safe that way. Also very lifeless.

Bring on emotions. Gently, please.

Dennis, Welcome aboard!
 
I have this semester and next semester until I graduate. I'm applying to Berkeley Graduate school among others *crossing my fingers*
 
Dennis,

Your situation reminds me of how, on an airline flight, the attendants always tell the passengers that if the oxygen masks appear, put your own mask on first and then help anyone who needs assistance. The idea is that you can't give much help if you pass out trying to put a mask on a child because you didn't put yours on first.

I think that example is one worth bearing in mind. Brian will need a LOT of support and help, but you aren't going to be able to give it effectively unless you are attending to your own needs as well. I think perhaps you can see part of this already when you say this:

I've been helping my brother for such a long time with his issues that I've forgotten about my own. I don't even know where to begin at this point.
Click to expand...
It may be that you will be able to help him out in the short term, but healing from abuse is a long-term problem. Eventually, helping him deal with his issues from a position of vulnerability and exposure where your own are concerned will just wear you down. In fact, it seems that is happening already.

And it's not just a matter of what Brian receives; it's also a matter of what he sees as an example. What he needs to see is a big brother who has good boundaries, faces his own issues honestly, openly and with confidence, and stands firm in rejecting blame and guilt that doesn't belong to him.

Your comment that you feel guilty for not being able to protect your brother, for example, is a natural sentiment for a good big brother. But that's not good for you, of course, and it's also bad for Brian. He will notice this, and when he sees that his own problems are harming his big brother his own feelings of guilt will become worse. If, on the other hand, he sees you firmly rejecting the idea that any boy can be blamed for what was done to him, that will help him a lot. He will feel safe from any idea that you blame him, and your good example will help him to stop blaming himself.

Your comment on not knowing where to begin ... yeah, how many times have I heard THAT one! But you know what? It doesn't matter. You feel that way because all the feelings you have are hitting you from every direction and all at once. When I talk to a new survivor in PM and he says he doesn't know where to begin, I just tell him take a big breath and start anywhere. Things will soon find their own direction.

You are already doing one of the most important things: talking. That helps us to drag the bad feelings out into the light where we can see what they really mean, and it also empowers us by letting us see that we can indeed break the silence and work towards our own healing. We soon discover that we aren't alone, and in awhile it doesn't feel so hopeless anymore.

And again: remember that every step you take is doubly important. It's something that will help your little brother as well. Seeing your strength and progress will show Brian that all this is possible for him as well.

Much love,
Larry
 
Overburdened78

May I just say that your post sits heavy on my heart. I think what you are doing is heroic and your rewards will not be overlooked when it is all said and done.

Welcome to MS.

Take care of yourself and give what you can to others but do take care of yourself first and foremost. Like the saying goes when a plane is in trouble "put your oxygen mask on first then the childs" You have to be able to help others if you want to help.

God Bless,
 
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