Hello, and does anyone knows this feeling?

[Thor]

Hello to you all.


I am new here. The reason I post now is not because I feel like a "survivor" I do not know how or what I feel.

From age 7 to 16 I was abused, not by a member of my family, but a teacher who taught me musik (fiddle)
When I finally told my dad what had been going on, it stopped and a courtcase followed. I was send to a therapist, but I couldn't talk about what happened. On more than one occasion I fainted when she asked or better insisted I talk. it was very frustrating for the both of us, and she finally decided that I should not force it, and would be welcome to talk to her when I would be ready. I was glad I had some peace.

I can't say I remember ever talking about feelings or deep emotions, never had a relationship or fell in love with anybody. until last week, I met a guy, same age as me, and we had a date yesterday. I was very nervous, but that is normal I think. We had agreed on having sex, but when things got physical, I froze up. He thought I was enjoying it, since I am a very shy person not a strange assumption at all.
But I wasn't enjoying myself the way I expected it would be.

I certainly enjoyed being held, but the feelings were so intence it hurt. I really flipped out over the rest which is too intimate to tell here, but the result was me not able to move for over 6 hours after.

Now my entire body hurts like hell, and not because he was rough or anything like that, but I don't have a clue why my body reacted the way it did, and still does.

Its very scaring, at one point I thought I would die.

I have just this one question, what the hell is wrong with me?

Please let me know your thoughts, I am scared I am loosing my mind now.

its not normal to react this way to something your mind tells you you want so much.

Thank you for your time,

Thor

 

[MrDon]

You're definately not losing your mind! I have struggled with the same thing and it has gotten better but there are times when my body just shuts down. At one time to do anything, it had to be faceless and personless. Than I got to a point where I met my partner that I have now and it has been very healing for me. We have a rule between us that if at any time we need to stop and for whatever reason, we just have to say stop. NOthing more, nothing less ... and we respect each other. There have been many times when this has helped us because we have developed a respect for ourselves and each other and it has helped us to feel safe.

There have been times that I shut down and couldn't really say anything as my body just froze. later we did talk about it.

My body was beat and sexually abused in some very violent and ongoing ways through my younger life. It has taken a lot for me just to accept a hug, let alone anything else. Fortunately my partner and I are survivors which helps the understanding from both sides. And yes sometimes I am much more rough on myself than I need to be in all of this. Sometimes I just have to be patient with myself through this process because it has improved.

But you're definately not losing it. Listen to what your body says and see if you can find a way to let it know that what happened to you then is different than what is taking place now. That is a very simplistic piece of advice but one that has helped me a lot.

Don

 

[outis]

I have just this one question, what the hell is wrong with me?

Thor,

IMHO, what's wrong is you suffered undeserved abuse. You reacted as best you could to preserve yourself. Part of the reaction that a lot of us. Never mind that sentence. Part of the reaction that I had was to shut down a lot of my emotions and actually actively distrust people.

When you got a chance for something good, something completely outside your previous experience, you didn't know how to act. It feels so different, so strange, that it feels like going crazy.

What's "wrong" with you is you are a good person, who suffered a very bad thing, and is now faced with accepting some of the good in the world into your life. Looking at it that way I say there's nothing wrong with you, but something "wrong" happened to you. That event, or those events, are not who you are.

I hope you spend some time checking out this site, and maybe you will find that it can help you to spend time with us. If you can get to a therapist again, that will probably be helpful if you are able to finally talk about what happened.

No matter what you decide about hanging out here or going to therapy, please go easy on yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. There's really nothing wrong with you.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[blaidd]

Hi Thor,

I haven't posted for a while, however what you described caught my attention as I relate to it so much.

The freezing up and going along with it, despite feeling uncomfortable is very familiar to me. Sex has been a huge trigger for me in the past. I've had flashbacks of abuse, become mute, unable to move and also thought I was going to die. Subtle things like the weight of my partner's body, or a certain touch was enough to "flip" me out completely.

My previous relationship ended because I had a severe reaction to sex with my partner. He knew I'd been abused but I wasn't able to communicate what was happening at the time and became so depressed that things fell apart and he left.

I appreciate what it is like to meet someone and want to enjoy whatever level of interaction we choose, and to fear our own reactions. Do we tell the person beforehand, or hope things will be okay. I've always found the prospect of being upfront and open about it, to be far too threatening. Fear of being judged, ridiculed and rejected usually get in the way.

In the context of what we have been through your reaction is typical of a trauma response to a certain stimulus, which in this case is intimacy or sex.

Six months ago I met a guy and things have been really different to previous partners. I really don't know why exactly. I haven't freaked out like I have before with boyfriend's. After a month of knowing him I disclosed to him about the abuse, and told him that in the past I have reacted to the sexual component of my relationships. I said that I feared it might happen again, and while he did not totally comprehend what I was talking about he did his best to be understanding.

Thankfully things have been going okay, and despite some unfortable feelings I am managing much better than I ever have before. The reason escapes me, but it is a positive thing for me to say that the sexual side of my life is okay.

So while I don't have any grand advice or answers, I do relate to your experience. I would say that if you get close to someone and develop even a little bit of trust, communicating how you are feeling is an important step. I think Don's rule with his partner about stopping sex if something happens is impressive and definitely a good idea.

regards

blaidd

 

[Mike Church]

Thor welcome to MaleSurvivor.
You have received a lot of exceelent support and explanation of what has happened to you and is happening.

There are some excellent articles on the first page of this web under Professionals and then Articles. Read them. they might be of help to you.

So read, post, reply, listen and heal with us my brother.

 

[Ivanhoe]

Thor,

First of all, I like the name that you've chosen to use here. To me, it shows that you are, or want to be, strong in dealing with your sex abuse.
That demonstrates a positive attitude that will keep you going on the road to recovery.
I can't tell you how affected I was by your description of your reaction to intimacy.
I hope that you have or find a good therapist to help you appreciate an important part of your life.
Welcome to you, I see that you've already met some of the great men that we have here. I encourage you, too, to read as much as you can here in order to catch the great spirit of this site.

One of you new brothers in the struggle,

David