Hello all

NPM330

Registrant
Hi. I just wanted to say hello and thanks for welcoming me into the group. About a year and a half ago, after a very hard few years, my husband told me that he had been abused at 12 years old. I had been married to him for over 10 years and together with him for almost 20. We are now separated and I’m trying to keep it together for the sake of our kids. They are only 6 and 4. It’s a terribly hard path I’m on now, but it makes me feel like I’m not alone as I read through other posts.
 

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Registrant
Hi. I just wanted to say hello and thanks for welcoming me into the group. About a year and a half ago, after a very hard few years, my husband told me that he had been abused at 12 years old. I had been married to him for over 10 years and together with him for almost 20. We are now separated and I’m trying to keep it together for the sake of our kids. They are only 6 and 4. It’s a terribly hard path I’m on now, but it makes me feel like I’m not alone as I read through other posts.
Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing?
 

NPM330

Registrant
Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing?
Hi, thank you! We are actually doing well. We have some hiccups and are separated legally but living together and working at a friendship.
My husband has made so much progress on so many levels and is for once, happy. He isn’t happy 24/7 but he is mostly happy and learning how to feel his feelings which was difficult for him. I posted more in depth about the day to day in my comments. There’s so much to it. I appreciate you reaching out. How are you?
 

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Registrant
I’m so happy to hear that things are going well. It gives us just starting this journey hope the storm will calm.
Regarding progress - what were some steps that he took that you think contributed to the change. In your situation, do you think the slight separation helped or hurt that progress? Did it help you? I’m at that crossroads with taking that step of legally separating because I’m struggling with believing his effort in the marriage and himself of healing.
 

NPM330

Registrant
I’m so happy to hear that things are going well. It gives us just starting this journey hope the storm will calm.
Regarding progress - what were some steps that he took that you think contributed to the change. In your situation, do you think the slight separation helped or hurt that progress? Did it help you? I’m at that crossroads with taking that step of legally separating because I’m struggling with believing his effort in the marriage and himself of healing.
Hi. It took a lot of steps but I do think that the 3 months of a physical separation helped him to realize what he had and when he left and didn’t have it anymore it hurt him. He said that at that point he had 2 choices. They were either to change the bad things or get worse. He made the decision to get well. He quit drinking cold turkey and ate very healthy. He said that it was not easy but he literally forced himself to do it. Within 2 months he said that it was very easy to eat healthy and not drink bc his body and his mind felt clear and he was happy. He also said that listening to Dr. Joe Dipenza on YouTube helped his mind. He meditates in the morning for 5-10 min each day to mentally get his mind on the right track for he day. He also walked in the beginning and is now working out in the gym. He lost 60 pounds and is feeling great. I kept in touch with him throughout this as I did care for him and wanted him to excel. I spoke with him often but not everyday as we had. He had the support of family as well. Once he opened up about the abuse, he realized that people loved him and understood and were not judgmental or anything negative. I think he felt that the secret he hid so long only hurt him inside. It was like a thorn left his side and and he was finally able to let a wound breath and be cleaned. Additionally, therapy is once a week and his therapist is great. He has done EMDR and has said it helped.
It is not easy and takes a lot of understanding and compassion. They did not have a choice in what happened and I remember that when I get frustrated. I try to speak as honestly and openly as possible as I believe that trust is build that was. We are taking things slow and working on a friendship. I hope this wasn’t a long ramble. I hope it helps some.
 
This was not a ramble, it was a beautiful confirmation that healing CAN happen and relationships CAN move beyond the pain of what could be seen as betrayal. Trauma destabilizes EVERYTHING. Finding the way past is difficult but as you demonstrate NOT impossible. Blessings to you both as your journey continues. This really is a lifetime venture made easier when held with compassion and kindness.
 

NPM330

Registrant
Thanks Visitor. It is a lifetime venture and everyone in life has their ups and downs...everyone. Life isn’t supposed to be perfect as my husband used to always think, he’s just trying to live each day, one at a time and have feeling of happiness within the day. Each day he finds something to think about that is happy and finds that it’s actually very easy. A home, a job, healthy kids, healthy food to eat, a phone call to an old friend, progress at the gym, a good therapy session....thanks you for the Blessings....Blessings right back to you.
 
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