Hello all

[mdsmith]

I have been trying to figure out how to write this since this morning when I saw the email that said my registration was approved this morning. Still not exactly sure what to write.

I was sexually abused when I was a child. Being almost 40 now, I am finally on the path to healing and working through the pain and impact my abuse has had on my life. Everything I have read and my therapist tells me that being able to talk to other survivors and share will help me in my healing. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And thank you in advance for all of your help.

 

[Ceremony]

Hello mdsmith,

I'm one of those examples where writing here has helped me find ways to process some of my thinking, coming up with a recovery strategy where parts of me are healing. I think the biggest move for me was this past Nov. or early Dec. where some self worth built with me and I became a bit calmer. I think that's a big deal, and hope builds.

I'm glad your therapist recommended talking with survivors, I see many guys on here doing their work.

It's fine to vent, and maybe rage at some of our problems, and then, try to get to work on it. I'm so glad we're here together finding our way.

Best wishes.

 

[mdsmith]

Thank you Ceremony.

I have been looking through the forums since I found this site a few days ago. And it has been great and a bit scary how much of what people share resonates so much with me. Not to mention how amazing everyone's responses are as well.

Recovery strategy, I like that. I am not sure if I thought of it in those terms. Thank you for that.

 

[Echoes]

Hi mdsmith, I'm glad you found your way here. Things get easier when we can share with people that understand. It was also hard for me to start posting, but these guys are good people and everyone here just wants to do the same as you, to heal. I hope you can find this is a good place to help your recovery.

 

[Noah Barrett]

Welcome mdsmith. Anytime things get to you, or you have questions or just need someone to talk with, this is the place. I didn't know this site existed until a few weeks ago. Everyone here has given me nothing but love, hope, support, and understanding. I guarantee you will find the same. Don't let what happened to you define who you are. You are NOT a victim of abuse you're a SURVIVOR and you're going to keep on surviving. I wish we lived in a world where ALL kids can be safe and happy and sites like this were unnecessary, but we don't. I wish strength, hope, and peace on your journey of healing. Feel free to talk with me and others about anything. We are here for you. -Noah

 

[Older1]

Welcome mdsmith: All of us were new here at one time or other, so we know what it can feel like to take a new look into our memories and see things from new perspectives. It takes courage, and can be scary, so take your time.
For me, there was no available formula or procedure that helped me, but I did find guidance from books and support and respect from this M-S site.
Best wishes for 2018.

 

[mdsmith]

Thank you Noah and Older1,

I truly appreciate all of the kind words and help. I think that this place is going to be a safe place that will help me heal and move forward through healing. And everyone's posts and replies that I have read on these forums makes me know that this is a place that I wish I would have found earlier.

 

[2Bnormal51]

Greetings Mdsmith,

I'm also new here. I don't see a therapist, I tried as a teenager after trying to commit suicide. But they just confused me, and frustrated me.
I have finally started to realize my need some 15 years ago, bit by bit. I have joined a group for men only, and have been through 2 phases.
I realize that being around other survivors and hearing their experiences did help me I was not alone, especially when it came to what they suffered. It helped me to realize I was NOT, after all, ALONE!
Have a good evening.......
Later......

 

[mdsmith]

I didn't see a therapist for a very long time. The first one I saw was for my father being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I only went for a few months. One of the things that I didn't understand was that you can look around for the right therapist. You don't have to just take the one you first go to. It took me a bit to figure that out. I finally have a good therapist for myself. And I have one for couples counseling for my wife and I. They are both really good. But I went through a few before I found ones that I trust and like. And only now have I been able to start opening up about my sexual abuse. Even saying the words out loud is difficult. And I mean in therapy. Outside of that I have no idea if I can yet. I have been contemplating trying to find a men's group but I think I will see how this goes before taking that step.

 

[AuthenticMe]

I participated in a support group for a couple of months. Along with the forum, it was very helpful in alleviating the feeling of loneliness and isolation that 2Bnormal51 describes and so many of us share. Finding a good therapist, preferably one with experience working with male survivors of CSA, is an important component of the healing process. They can be difficult to find depending on location and resources, but the search is worth it.

 

[2Bnormal51]

My problem is my mother was the abuser, she also suffered abuse from her father. She was also emotionally abusive, physically abusive, and her frightening and raging outbursts with violence has surely placed in me a place I can not have a woman doctor, or therapist.
I can not allow a woman to be that close. I want only a man.
I have talked with a female "councilor", for a specific survey which dealt with sexual abuse amongst men, but the extreme distrust, and the deep anxiety, with shame and feeling of being dirty, just would not allow me to feel free to express my most deepest thoughts for that survey.
So that limits me for therapists, I thank God above that I have survived my many depressions which increased more once I turned 50 years of age.
Is there a place in the forums that discuss men who have experienced various types of personality transitions, or who switch from one character to another? I at times feel I don't know who I really am. Dissociated.......
Hope this wasn't too much for this reply, within this discussion. I will get better at it once I am familiar with MS forums
Thank you.....
Later.....

 

[Surya25]

Is there a place in the forums that discuss men who have experienced various types of personality transitions, or who switch from one character to another? I at times feel I don't know who I really am. Dissociated.......

Hey 2Bnormal. I have this kind of feeling as well. Like, who is the real me? Is there a core person? Am I stoic, indomitable, high achieving man? Or is that a facade and I'm really the sensitive, somewhat effeminate, weak and wounded child? Or is that just a result of my abuse and my life experiences which superficially overshadows my real self? Idk, perhaps it's like the Buddha said, there is no self.

 

[2Bnormal51]

Greetings Surya25,

Thank you for responding that you can relate to my ongoing struggle, it's nice to know others, (unfortunately) have to suffer from this "dissociated" self.

I can relate to your "high achieving man" and questioning is it a facade? My "home" is well organized, and when I work planning events, or cooking I am detailed oriented, and "if" persons who are not working as I desire them to, then I get all freaked out, the stress level is just never wracking. I get stressed out with driving my vehicle, lawlessness abounds, and I get very angry at it and anything chaotic un-nerves me!
I need order, but on the inside the "order" does not work out so well.
I see you are recently new here, as I am also. Just this week I registered.
I also live in Canada. (Quebec)
Hope we talk again soon.
Later.....

 

[AuthenticMe]

2BNormal51 - I think it is totally fine to require your therapist be male. Mine was, and there was definitely a level of understanding between us that helped with the healing process.

 

[manipulated]

WELCOME to all of you! So glad you found us and so sorry you are here.

I shared your concerns about gender of the T (therapist is often shortened to "T" on the forums) early on. When the pressure of denying the past and the guilt and shame from believing the perp's words that it was all my fault and that he could see I enjoyed the sex from my physical reactions exploded I was convinced I needed a female as the Perp was male and I didn't want to expose myself to another man. (another thing I picked up from the current T - "the perp" never his name or "my")

But after two bad fits that cost me thousands I finally realized that just like buying a refrigerator, I needed to define my needs and not take what was available. AND like anything else I needed to shop for exact expertise in child sex trauma and not stay with any T that was not working for me. It was sooooo hard walking into the first T office I never wanted to start over - Let alone "INTERVIEW" potential T but I forced myself and the third time has been a charm. GREAT progress for me. Taking charge is part of starting to put yourself FIRST.

Also as to the Dissociation - look at the forums LOTS of us are or have been there. Same with Flashbacks and obsessions. But with a GOOD T it does get BETTER. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up when there is no instant cure. The Men In Black memory wiping gizmo they tell me is not real AND it WILL get better - so will all aspects of life with the right T. Keep looking for what YOU need and not what worked for someone else.

 

[mdsmith]

This is where I am stuck in an odd situation. My abuse happened from more than one person in different times in my life. My sister, a family friend (male), and a boy down the road that was close to my age. And when I went looking for a therapist my original goal was not to mainly work on getting through my abuse history and healing that. But the more than came up the more important I realized it was. And I also realized that a female T is easier for me to talk to it and the male one I have for couples counseling is harder when the subject of sexual abuse comes up.

 

[motmcd]

Welcome, mdsmith. If only in this digital world of MS, I'm glad to know you.

Regards,
Tom