hello again
Hi. I haven't been logged on in quite some time. Frankly, I didn't think I would be back here at all. Different user name this time (formerly reesersgrl) as I seem to have forgotten my password.
When I last posted, my fiancee had left our house in the middle of the night, the week b4 Christmas. He had been dealing with recovered 25 year old memories of abuse-- for about 2 years at that point.He was also diagnosed with a variety of disorders including borderline personality, anxiety and panic. It was a HUGE emotional rollercoaster for the both of us and our families. I was devastated when he left. I had put so much of myself into that relationship, trying to understand, trying to help. I held him when he cried, comforted when he panicked, listened when he could talk and stung in my heart when he lashed out. And then, he just left.
I called his cell and wrote letters to his post office box. I promised him that I would never give up on him. I had no idea where he was or if he was okay. I knew that he was self medicating and also physically hurting himself while he was here--i didnt know what he was doing while he wasnt. My children were confused and I was at a loss as to what to say to give them comfort.
I didnt hear from him for four months. He called on the day we were to be married to torment me and to tell me that he was with his new girlfriend. She understood him. I asked him not to call again. I tried to put it behind me, but it wasnt possible. I loved him.
Throughout the next year, he periodically called. Same thing everytime. He would say mean things or make some excuse about things he had left here.I would ask him not to call again and hang up the phone. I changed my phone number. He went to the paper where I had just started a new job to put in his wedding announcement. He kept tabs by contacting my daughters boyfriend. I couldnt understand why he just wouldnt leave me alone.
Three months ago, he called my sister looking for me. She told him that she would not even consider telling me if it were some bull**it reason. He said he wanted to apolgize for the way he treated me.My heart hurt. I didnt call. He called her again three days later. I did call.
When we finally spoke, he sounded sincere. He told me he wanted to see me. That he was no longer in a relationship (by the way, it was with someone he met while hospitalized during our relationship) Was he cheating?? I dont know for sure.
We talked and he said he wanted to see me. I agreed. I wanted to see him too--desperately. He told me of the last year and his involvement in drugs etc. It was far worse than I had imagined. He ahd been clean at that point for about 7 months. He wanted to get back together. He told me that he had been trying for the past year, but couldnt get up the nerve.
Long story long, we ar eback together--I think. For the first month, it was good. Now he is reverting to his old ways. Very verbally abusive, mood cycling and distant. I have to listen carefully to the things he is saying to hear what he REALLY is saying. He is desperately crying for help. He is lonely and sad. He also is missing periods of time memory wise. He had forgoten that we had the same birthday, and the closeness we had in our prior relationship. He remembers most of the not so happy times tho. Negative thoughts prevail. He withdrawls from me for days at a time. One day, he loves me and thanks me for my support, the next day, he wont take my calls and tells me im no good for him. He says he doesnt care where i go or what i do.
Im back in the same situation...but different.
I HATE the fact that someone could take advantage of a child and chasnge the way he looks at life forever.
When I last posted, my fiancee had left our house in the middle of the night, the week b4 Christmas. He had been dealing with recovered 25 year old memories of abuse-- for about 2 years at that point.He was also diagnosed with a variety of disorders including borderline personality, anxiety and panic. It was a HUGE emotional rollercoaster for the both of us and our families. I was devastated when he left. I had put so much of myself into that relationship, trying to understand, trying to help. I held him when he cried, comforted when he panicked, listened when he could talk and stung in my heart when he lashed out. And then, he just left.
I called his cell and wrote letters to his post office box. I promised him that I would never give up on him. I had no idea where he was or if he was okay. I knew that he was self medicating and also physically hurting himself while he was here--i didnt know what he was doing while he wasnt. My children were confused and I was at a loss as to what to say to give them comfort.
I didnt hear from him for four months. He called on the day we were to be married to torment me and to tell me that he was with his new girlfriend. She understood him. I asked him not to call again. I tried to put it behind me, but it wasnt possible. I loved him.
Throughout the next year, he periodically called. Same thing everytime. He would say mean things or make some excuse about things he had left here.I would ask him not to call again and hang up the phone. I changed my phone number. He went to the paper where I had just started a new job to put in his wedding announcement. He kept tabs by contacting my daughters boyfriend. I couldnt understand why he just wouldnt leave me alone.
Three months ago, he called my sister looking for me. She told him that she would not even consider telling me if it were some bull**it reason. He said he wanted to apolgize for the way he treated me.My heart hurt. I didnt call. He called her again three days later. I did call.
When we finally spoke, he sounded sincere. He told me he wanted to see me. That he was no longer in a relationship (by the way, it was with someone he met while hospitalized during our relationship) Was he cheating?? I dont know for sure.
We talked and he said he wanted to see me. I agreed. I wanted to see him too--desperately. He told me of the last year and his involvement in drugs etc. It was far worse than I had imagined. He ahd been clean at that point for about 7 months. He wanted to get back together. He told me that he had been trying for the past year, but couldnt get up the nerve.
Long story long, we ar eback together--I think. For the first month, it was good. Now he is reverting to his old ways. Very verbally abusive, mood cycling and distant. I have to listen carefully to the things he is saying to hear what he REALLY is saying. He is desperately crying for help. He is lonely and sad. He also is missing periods of time memory wise. He had forgoten that we had the same birthday, and the closeness we had in our prior relationship. He remembers most of the not so happy times tho. Negative thoughts prevail. He withdrawls from me for days at a time. One day, he loves me and thanks me for my support, the next day, he wont take my calls and tells me im no good for him. He says he doesnt care where i go or what i do.
Im back in the same situation...but different.
I HATE the fact that someone could take advantage of a child and chasnge the way he looks at life forever.