Hello again
I am sorry to not have been here again for long time now. Was rather sick for few weeks, and now am traveling again, with a student at a competition. But I am trying to respond to some posts more today, and maybe get 'caught up' some in another day or such. Still rather tired, and now have the 'jet lag' as well (always hate that crap!), so going to do best I can right now.
I am mentally rather strange (Yes, more then usual!) right now. Because he is here also, with student, old coach. He also was old coach of Androsh, my student, before he came to me (actually, I am only 5 years older then him, we actually had trained with this coach together even for short time). My best friend, he travelled here with me also, so I definitely feel safer this time then the last time I see him in September. I had more warning this time, that he would be here. Of course, he call me at home, try to intimidate me some, before even I see him here. But, I seen him this morning, and I feel strange of it. I could not look away of him, I am just seeing him with his student, thinking, what do you do to him, what have you done to him and how many others? I feel anger at him, I feel hate at him, over what he do to Androsh, what he try to do to my best friend, what he do to other friend (and I do not know how many others). But, to think of what he do to me, it just make me feel fear, I can not hate him for myself, and I actually want to. Am not sure what to think, so it just make me panic more, and feel things inside more, which I hate.
I was also thinking of perhaps seeing my father while I am here in Europe. I have not seen him since I am ten years old, although he has contacted me few times since then (mostly for money). I do not know what I would be expecting, to see him. I do not know if I want to upset him, or if I want him to apologize to me (he wouldn't, and I do not know what I would even do if he did), or if I just want to yell at him. I do not know, and I know it is not smart to consider even to see him if I am not certain of what I am expecting or wishing from it. I just am thinking I guess, if I can see him, maybe then I can be angry and hate at him too, because right now, there is still that feeling of 'he's my father', so no matter how much bad he does at me, I feel if I were to hate him, or be angry at him, it would make me bad person. I have Susanna, and few other friends who know more of him then I normally will tel anyone (even here), and they say he is evil, he is bad and is okay to hate him or be angry. But still, I feel it is sin almost to feel that.
Will be spending Christmas with my family and mom, and she will take me finally to see where my brother is buried, first time ever I will be there with him. I know it will be sad, but I am looking forward to it so much, to be able to 'see' him again, to feel I am with him.
Just feeling anxious, and 'worked up' some here, is what someone just told me I am acting like. I will try to respond to some posts, but need to make sure I can think right to do that, do not want to say wrong things. I am sorry, not sure what for, but know I am.
leosha
I am mentally rather strange (Yes, more then usual!) right now. Because he is here also, with student, old coach. He also was old coach of Androsh, my student, before he came to me (actually, I am only 5 years older then him, we actually had trained with this coach together even for short time). My best friend, he travelled here with me also, so I definitely feel safer this time then the last time I see him in September. I had more warning this time, that he would be here. Of course, he call me at home, try to intimidate me some, before even I see him here. But, I seen him this morning, and I feel strange of it. I could not look away of him, I am just seeing him with his student, thinking, what do you do to him, what have you done to him and how many others? I feel anger at him, I feel hate at him, over what he do to Androsh, what he try to do to my best friend, what he do to other friend (and I do not know how many others). But, to think of what he do to me, it just make me feel fear, I can not hate him for myself, and I actually want to. Am not sure what to think, so it just make me panic more, and feel things inside more, which I hate.
I was also thinking of perhaps seeing my father while I am here in Europe. I have not seen him since I am ten years old, although he has contacted me few times since then (mostly for money). I do not know what I would be expecting, to see him. I do not know if I want to upset him, or if I want him to apologize to me (he wouldn't, and I do not know what I would even do if he did), or if I just want to yell at him. I do not know, and I know it is not smart to consider even to see him if I am not certain of what I am expecting or wishing from it. I just am thinking I guess, if I can see him, maybe then I can be angry and hate at him too, because right now, there is still that feeling of 'he's my father', so no matter how much bad he does at me, I feel if I were to hate him, or be angry at him, it would make me bad person. I have Susanna, and few other friends who know more of him then I normally will tel anyone (even here), and they say he is evil, he is bad and is okay to hate him or be angry. But still, I feel it is sin almost to feel that.
Will be spending Christmas with my family and mom, and she will take me finally to see where my brother is buried, first time ever I will be there with him. I know it will be sad, but I am looking forward to it so much, to be able to 'see' him again, to feel I am with him.
Just feeling anxious, and 'worked up' some here, is what someone just told me I am acting like. I will try to respond to some posts, but need to make sure I can think right to do that, do not want to say wrong things. I am sorry, not sure what for, but know I am.
leosha