hello again

[guitarguy]

hey everyone, i dont know if you remember me but i became a member last fall and did a bunch of posting.

i stopped because something weird happened...another member asked me in private msging for personal information about myself, my name and where im from.

this kinda scared me and it happend on top of one of those bad periods that come along once in a while

im doing good now and in the next month ill be doing great(fingers crossed). ill be moving back to my home town after about 8 years. there are some reasons not to, but i think more to move. im going to be with my family, and im going to go further on the journey of self discovery.

there have also been a few revelations since my last visit: im not gay, im not bi-, im just some kind of straight(im not physically attracted to men but...its confusing), i DONT have schizophrenia, but rather a mood disorder with some schizoid attributes(paranoia, etc), friends are usually temporary(and sometimes unreliable), but family is always there...even if i think of friends as brothers or sisters.

well thats about all i can think of...say hello if you wish, ill try to come back once in a while to check in

peace

 

[roadrunner]

guitarguy,

It's good to see you back again and to hear you are making progress. Your family sounds like a safe circle for you, so I hope the move goes well.

It's not unusual for a survivor to feel confused about his sexual orientation. You don't comment on this, but I wonder if you have a T. These complex issues are best handled with professional guidance, and there's nothing wrong with asking for the help you need.

If you feel uncomfortable with anything that is said to you on the site you should just report it to the mod team. If it's nothing to be concerned about they will tell you and try to set you at ease, and if it is a problem they will look into it. It's very important that everyone here feel safe and able to benefit from the site at their own pace. We are all at different places in our recovery and what is just an ordinary question for one member may feel strange to another. If anything happens that seems odd to you, just refer it to the mods. Dealing with these issues is part of their job.

Much love,
Larry

 

[guitarguy]

you said: "You don't comment on this, but I wonder if you have a T." does that mean therapist?

if so, no i dont. Ive thought about it, and i will most likely meet with one soon. that is, after i move back home and meet my new psychiatrist. whomever that is.

i have had the services of social workers before, but they havent been of much help because i am always so "unique" to them.

the other issue is payment. the canadian gov't doesnt usually pay for things like that for males. but considering ythe fact that my condition is so "unique" and that i am a disability benefit recipient, i may have some luck.
the thing is, i dont want to ask my parents for the money. im not really sure why...
i guess maybe because my older brother still doesnt know, and im not sure if or when im going to tell him. my taking extra trips to the city and accepting money from my parents may come as suspiscious.

well, i guess its something to think about

 

[roadrunner]

guitarguy,

Yes, by T I meant a therapist. I don't know what the possibilities are for financial support for therapy in Canada, but we do have Canadians on the site so perhaps they can comment.

I brought up the subject because issues of sexual confusion are so difficult for survivors. Guys often don't like to discuss such things anyway, and for survivors it can be a real problem for one's confidence and self-esteem. I'm not trying to talk down to you or patronize you, but I do think it's especially difficult for a teenager since the teen years are such a time of transition and change anyway.

What a survivor needs to bear in mind here is that abuse isn't just an assault on a boy physically; it devastates him emotionally as well. This is the time when a boy is laying down the foundations for what in the future will be his ideas on who he is sexually, what his limits and boundaries are, and what his moral and ethical standards will be. But if he is being abused all these foundations are totally wrecked. I remember clearly what I thought when I was 14, the age when abuse ended for me. I thought that sex is something that adults do to hurt kids and that anyone who wanted it from me would just help themselves.

So what this means is that even after all the bad times end, the survivor is building his sexuality not on solid foundations but on the rubble and bad ideas about himself left by abuse. So it's absolutely normal for a survivor to feel confused, as you do, about all this. That said, the problem is really complicated and that's why it's best to deal with it with the help of a T. If you have a mood disorder as well, then there's another reason to seek professional support.

On telling your brother, there are of course pros and cons to consider. Are you guys close or at least on good terms? Is he mature enough to understand how important it will be that he honor your confidence if you tell him? If you can tell him, would he be a good "ally" and source of support? Perhaps you could talk to your parents abut this.

So yes, a LOT to think about. If you feel okay about talking here I hope you continue to do so. You will find a lot of guys who will understand and support you.

Much love,
Larry