hell on earth

hell on earth
B

Broken

Registrant
i am in hell. I have tried everything i can think of to feel better, but i feel powerless. I am poor, I am alone, I have no status, my body is in pain, i have nothing. I have no power over my life, i am completely helpless. I dont know how to fight anymore, i feel like im going to die, like all this pain is going to kill me. I dont feel like things are ever going to get any better. I have no hope of justice. My mother is never going to be convicted of anything. i am past the statute of limitations, i have horrible recolection, and even if she wear convited with every single act of molestation she ever commited she wouldnt get more than 5 years. Tell me why i shouldnt kill her? I cant bring myself to do it, and even if i could, i would have to risk prison, but at the same time, i cant see it as wrong. I believe in capital punishment, and i think violent rape and torture are capital crimes. She should die, but instead i have to live with the the knowledge that she is going to live a long time, until the herion finnally kills her, probably just from accelerated aging and the stress of doing drugs. She wont OD, she will probably just die a little young. How am i supposed to believe in justice now?

How am i supposed to be happy? I am sick of just surviving. Damn it, nobody gives a damn about me, nobody who knows me cares about me. What the hell do i do? nothing works. my room is thrashed and probably smells bad. i havent shaved in week, i have been showering but it is hard. I cant wake up until after noon because i wont let myself sleep at night. I know i am angry but i dont know how to be angry, i want to hit something. Where are all these miracles of incest survival, id like to meet one damn person who is leading a "happy and fufilling lifestyle" after going through this. Where are our happy successfull young urban professionals? Whats the best i can hope for huh? a shitty little house with a wife of convienence and children to tell "tough shit" when the come to me with thier hopes and dreams? Or am i just going to get hit by a car tommorow, and be listed in the obitutuaries as joe who gives a fuck. If my choices matter so much then tell me what difference do they make? If i die tommorow nobody will remember me, nobody will care. I would be lucky if five people showed up, my abusers and thier pep squad. Where the hell is tommorow? Sometimes i honestly dont think life is worth the effort. Maybe for some people it is better that they die, that they are spared the suffering of an existance devoid of joy. A kitten died in our back yard, born blind a few days ago. I am so fucking stubborn, i dont think i can kill myself, i dont think that i have that option anymore because i have been hanging on so long. I think it is burned into my mind, and i hate myself for it. Right now i cant create, i cant understand, i cant observe or love, i am just a stubborn ball of frustration and pain.

Im crying now. I dont mean the things i say, but i cant help but to say them anyways. I just dont know what to do. Fucking fourth of july. Wonder what christmas is going to be like. God thats almost funny. ill put the smile here even i cant do it myself, cause i just want to see it. :)
 
Sometimes progress is simply perspective. I used to keep it all in and buried. Now I am not going to be an actor. I talk, as you are. I let people know what I am thinking and feeling. Look into another persons eyes, and when they listen and do not condemn me, a little bit heals.

There are many who have passed from living in pain to living with pain and beyond. I reached out of my darkness and found a world full of people, and many who have helped in many ways. I found few answers alone in my hell, but many out in the groups and among friends.

My life has changed, and though it is sometimes slow and I get stuck, I am not where I was then. Here and now is better. We all know pain and suffering, as you do. Your life does sound horrible. Glad you are able to articulate that. Pour it out!

When I started treatment, my motto was "my life sucks." Then it became, "my life sucks, but I am not doing anything to make it worse." Then, "my life still sucks for the most part, but I am not doing anything to make it worse, and once in a while, something good happens."

Now it is "my life is OK, and I am going to do at least one thing today to make it better."

The abuse didn't happen all at once for me, and neither is the healing. Which sucks, but I have more options now than I had when I was little.

Hope this helps you somewhat.

Ken
 
:eek: Yeah, I can identify with the depths of despair, cynicism, hopelessness, and hate. It all gets bottled up in the prevailing atmosphere of denial and distraction. It's a fucked up world, after all.
I've actually come a long way since I uncovered, articulated, and acknowledged the abuse in my past and the dysfunction of my upbringing. Yet, for what I have achieved, awareness, a wife, and a job, the emotional pain is recurrent and chronic. It reached a point last week that I thought I was going out of mind and losing my mental faculties. My support groups and networks had allowed me to come to that, even after 10, count them, 10 fucking years of work. Now isn't that nice.
Well, I got the fuck out of my doldrums by picking up this little Buddha compilation I picked up months and months ago. It took on a whole new significance for me, and the clarity of the Buddha's teachings affected me like never before. I had recently been trying to wring relief from Christ's teachings. I feel privileged to say that I found Jesus, and he sent me to the Buddha. It has helped me regain equanimity which has been consistent. I have begun attending Zen sittings, applying those rituals to the passages from this compilation, and getting definite emotional and mental relief.
So, now that I'm looking at my current circumstances with this renewed vigor, I'm raising the facts of my abuse history, and the very phenomenon in general and in current events with the people I spend time with. I'm also considering leaving my job to find more satisfying work.
In fact, yesterday, the freaking 4th of July, I was ranting about the soporific, hypnotic trance of the monopolistic American dream and the prevalence of sexual abuse and denial. My brother, who has some familiarity with the issues, still was an apologist and pretender. I still had to come to loggerheads with the guy, and my wife. No wonder I feel depressed, crazy, and irritable so often. I'm solo, baby. Solo. Finding these web resources is a big help, too. Come on, man. Get connected. Affirm your life. There are books, support groups, spiritual groups, chance encounters, phone numbers, and websites and discussion forums (beliefnet.com is good, too). You have to put it together yourself. Star Wars, essentially, is real. Look at Bono of the rock group U2. He's lobbying Republicans to forgive third world debt. Then there's Sting, Peter Gabriel, Madonna, and others. Mark McGwire has been in therapy, and gave a million dollars to help sexual abuse treatment. I'm taking Tai Chi, and the rock punk celeb Lou Reed is in the class. Let's make this happen, man. We've got the power.
 
Broken
If you're looking for "miracles of incest survival" you're on a hiding to nothing, there are none, there is no miracle cure, and I'm sure you already know that. And I'd hate to go looking for anyone living the "happy and fullfilling lifestyle" as well, 'cause that's equally mythical.
I've just got in from work and as usual we've been sitting around chewing the fat, my best mate's daughters ex boyfriend is in court facing charges of rape - including her, so he's having a fun time giving evidence and supporting his girl - just after his divorce from hell. Another lad's had his car vandalized, another was selling raffle tickets for arthritis because his mother is crippled by it. We've all got a pile of shit to live with, but some shit is different to ours. Having your car trashed isn't much in the scale of things I know, but it's shit you can do without.

What I'm trying to say is that recovery to a "normal"life is possible, whatever that may be. Although the dream of 2.4 children and the perfect nuclear family is just that - an impossible dream. It's a standard falsely created by "made for TV movies" and lifestyle magazines, it's bullshit.

I'm possibly as recovered as I can be. There's stuff that I still want to change, maybe I can, but if I can't then where I am now is a million times better than where I was, and I'll settle for this. But the normal everyday shit still remains, I have to pay bills and taxes, look after my ageing parents etc.

Like many others I call myself a survivor because that's what we do - we survive as best we can in an imperfect word, we've somehow put our pile of shit into a new perspective - recognised it's importance on our lives. And that pile of shit rates very little importance to me any more.
We've found our own personal methods, renewed our faith in ourselves and those who support us, and in doing so we use the energy we used to maintain that pile of old shit to move ourselves on instead.
And the more of your posts I read ( and I've looked back a long way ) the more I recognise that YOU have the energy in you to do it.

I think this slogan is one of AA's, and as much as I try to avoid cute slogans I think this one's good.

"YESTERDAY'S HISTORY, TOMMORROW'S A MYSTERY"

Be strong Broken, Lloydy

a smile back as well :)
 
Broken,

My positive thought for you is that it sounds like your getting to the place where things are shitty enough that you will do something about them, i can tell your not feeling satisfied at all where you find yourself right now, perhaps you will be figuring out a way to exersize and get some positive routines established for yourself soon, i sure hope so. That black hole of depression just sucks, i hope you start finding yoru way out soon.

On another note, they passed a law in california back in 1994 that abolishes the old statute of limitations and has set the new one at one year past the date the offenses are offically reported to the police or DA's office. If you have not reported anything yet to anyone official you might think about calling the District Attorney's office and asking to speak to someone about child abuse and maybe set up a meeting to lay it all out for them. Reporting it directly to the DA's office saves a lot of time that is wasted as your report makes its way through the police department paper jungle. The only thing i would caution you on is make sure whoever you report it to works in the area of child abuse and or sex crimes, they typically are more sensative to what you have been through.

I wish you well my friend, hugs.....

John
 
I was just ranting i guess. Part of the reason things bug me is that i believe through imperfection you can lead a life that is BETTER than perfect. The pain of believing in something is sometimes worse than letting it go.

I just lose so much time to sleep and depression, and i guess the loss is just compounded. I have such a hard time finding things i actually feel like i can do. There are a million things i can do each day that i just cant find the will to do it, no matter how hard i try it is like there is an invisable wall.

I try to remember things like how i am keeping my appointments for therapy, and showing up for class. It wouldnt feel so hard if i felt like i had a chance, like the playing field was level. I just dont get why i have to put so much effort out to get so little. Screw it, right? Count the little things, like how i cleaned up my room a little, got all the empty containers out and picked up some papers. Count how today i found my comb and brushed my teeth. Count that i read a book for a little while, that i did something constructive. Today my dental hygein, tommorw the WORLD!!! MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 
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