Heartbreaking

LoneWolfX

Registrant
When I see the avators of young kids you guys once were, it is especially heartbreaking. So young. So innocent. The childish glow ... stolen from you. Maybe you won't ever be the same again but remember that unblemished child still resides in you. Remember how far you and he have made it together. You survived!
 
Thank you LoneWolfX :'(
Mine is a happy moment, was with family on a road trip that we took to my Aunt and Uncle cabin on the lake. Struggling to find that part of me is so tough, and I've cried so hard for so many years. I've abused myself, and wished it would all end. I'm can't allow my past destroy this boy, which is why I've decided to give it my all to deal with the abuse I experienced. Put the happiness forward, hard as it is sometimes.
 

WG

Registrant
Yes, indeed. While my avatar is just a letter, I do have a photograph on my desk here at home taken just after the sexual abuse began. I've just turned 6, I'm not smiling (I didn't in photographs for many years) and it's 1959. It took years of therapy to see him as someone to be loved and cherished. Someone who is worth loving and he waited so many bleak years to be in my life again. He is now. It's called integration allowing him to be seen and heard. Allowing myself to weep over and grieve the loss of who I could have been. It took a long time because I had to come to believe that the unconfessed is the unhealed. I had to confess that I didn't know him, I didn't know how to have him in my life as a grown man. I've learned to do that now - but as I said it took years of therapy to get there. He's worth it!
 

PRFL

Registrant
I admit I have a hard time looking at the avatars, because it’s disconcerting to me to read about explicit stuff while looking at a child’s face. I have thought about putting up mine, but that’s still just too painful. I just showed my T a pic of myself on the 3rd grade, it was a formal school portrait, and I feel haunted by those sad eyes. I must have been around 8 at the time. I recall exactly when they were distributing the pictures at class, and the teacher remarked how big my eyes were. Big, brown eyes, very sad. And definitely not smiling. I rescued the picture from my late Dad’s belongings, he had a small 2x2 version taped to his PC, it was all crumpled but I managed to scan it and tried to fix the wrinkles and imperfections. I printed it full-page sized and have it in a frame. If I ever get the courage, maybe one day I’ll put it up.
 
I hear you @PRFL , one step at a time.

I also shared in the same conflict, but I've been rebelling against the hiding my pain. I was reminded that I was happy once, I did laugh, and putting that forward defeats the darkness... That resonated with me. I see my avatar when I post, and it has become a visual goal as I go through this emotional workout.

A healthy pace, and all things in their good time.
 

BDD

Registrant
Mine is when I was 15. It was taken a few weeks before I was kidnapped. It's not a happy picture. I was messed up from the previous summer when I was molested. I had become even more reclusive, depressed and distant...the perfect target.
Funny, I recoiled whenever I saw pictures of myself. But now, I can look fondly at that kid. I know how insanely strong he was.
 
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