heart break (probably triggers)

heart break (probably triggers)
2

24yearsandcounting

Registrant
I got to know a woman, and I suspect she is molesting her son. As a male abuse survivor myself, this was the worst possible twist that could happen. The first woman I met (my mom) & some of my earliest memories are of the abuse. Abuse I still suffer from today, -I still have the broken bones almost 3 decades later. Now this, -I have not loved a woman more, and she too is a child molestor. She has the inbred children on top of that too. What is worse, is that people, are supporting her incestuous behavoir, and have made porn with her and her son. The authorities are comprimised in a couple ways too I believe. Some have flipped and become pedophiles too, some have been bribed, some fired, etc. It is infuriating, and I guess if it wasn't so upsetting I would just be suicidal, but now that I see she might not care, and has a lot of people contributing to the abuse, I realize my happiness is up to me, and I have to stay strong myself, etc, etc.
My abuse was painful, violent, bloody, drunken, traumatizing, and against my will. If this was not the case, I too would be sucked into the black hole this has made for people more easily confused. I saw a some threads here of men struggleing to coap with there abuse, because it was pleasurable. I've fantasize(d) many, many times about this woman, she is my dream girl. This has contaminated, and polluted those hopes and dreams. I've resolved it many times, separated the dream from pervertion, but when I wake up, all I'm left with is a woman I love that has inbred children, and it makes me want to kill myself.
I try to focus at work, bt I'm sure no one knows that I think about this too much. They might see me distracted at times, and it does show in my work sometimes when I could have paid more attention to detail, but for the most part it doesnt't come up. My relatives are no help, and I don't have time or money for therapy. I'd hope it'd do wonders, but I have only had a couple good moments in therapy.
So I'd like to hear some survivor stories. Do tell.
 
24,

First let me say how sorry I am that You have been hurt so badly. And now you have been betrayed by the woman you love when she, too, turns out to be a molester. That's gotta be a huge heartache to you.

I have a concern that perhaps you have not considered. Have you thought about what may happen to you should this woman be caught? You may very well be caught up in the firestorm and get arrested, etc. for something you had no part in. I would urge you to get as far away from this as possible, as soon as possible.

Furthermore, If you think the local authorities are compromised in this, go to the state police or even the FBI, if you are living in the US. I have no idea where to tell you to go if you are living elsewhere.

I'm sorry to seem so reactionary here, but I really feel the safety of the child, and your safety needs to take first priority here.

Please consider what I've said. I really do care and want you to get to a better place.

Lots of love,

John
 
24,

I absolutely agree with John. There are lots of things to be said here, and one is that I am so sorry this has happened to you.

But still, the first priority for you should be to report what you know and make sure you are as far as possible from it, and the sooner the better! When these things blow up everyone nearby can easily be tarred with the same brush.

Much love,
Larry
 
If you are in Canada, call the RCMP HQ for your region.
 
Ditto, Ditto, Ditto.

Please save the child/children and yourself, don't let anything stand in your way.

Sorry to hear about all of this, I know it is hard to deal with, especially when you are trying to sort out your own abuse.

Take care,
 
I reported my suspicions already, though I suppose I could keep reporting to different agencies. I called the FBI once on something unrelated and they were not the most helpful. The opperator or officer I got sounded suicidal herself. Talk to doomsaying, conspiracy theorists once in a while, and get a earfull of the gloom/doom crap they talk, and that is what she sounded like. Drained, sad, etc. Some of those conspiracies might be true, and that would be a real bummer as in her case.
My abuse is pretty simple compared to this. For once it served a purpose in reminding me that abusing kids is bad. -She may have sold a lot of the molestation tapes to people, people that were not before interested in incest, or child porn.
The after effects of abuse also made me immune to it. My brother was molested, whereas I was more so physically abused. He had issues w/ girls I don't have, became morbidly obese and died young of a heart attack. I blame the abuser for that somewhat, so I know though she thought she was having a blast abusing her son, her son is going to have issues the rest of his life, and there inbred children, have defects and difficulties no parent should impose on kids.
Rarely does suicide ever pop up, or make sense, or compute, but when I look at this, it's like an equation, simple as 2+2=4. I've thwarted thoughts of suicide many times in the past (else I wouldn't be alive). Only in really bad times has it crossed my mind. This is the first time in a long time I feel like I've hit a wall, I can't quite get around. It's kinda in-escapable, that adds up most places I turn. I thought I'd die before I ever said anything bad about her, before I ever give up how I feel about her, etc, etc, etc. Giving her up seems like the only way out, but I don't want to give her up.
Meet my mom, and no one usually suspects she broke my nose, or abused my brother. She babysits my cusins all the time, and doesn't drink any more hardly, or mess with kids. People think she is some nice, pleasent old lady. People meet my 'nice' parents, and wonder why I'm not the most social, out going, smart, accomplished, whatever, when I've struggled to overcome the crappy parenting, abuse, and neglect. (sorry to any fellow christians who honor parents irreguardless of there abuse, or crimes). They haven't seen (or been subject to) them wasted, abusive, violent, molesting, surly, etc.
Anyway, I'm sure she is for once regretting something in her life, and can be helped. I had planned on loving her the rest of my life, and I hope at some point I can know her again as the person she was before all this happened. That might take the rest of my life consequently.
Please: survivor stories-
Feel bad for the abuser stories:
I'm also open to- beat suicide stories, and got over lost love stories.
 
Please: survivor stories-
Feel bad for the abuser stories:
I'm also open to- beat suicide stories, and got over lost love stories.


I hate to plug my book but its all in there except the suicide thing, I haven't had any thoughts of that. Lost love, feeling bad for the abuser's family and victim to survivor its all in there.
 
24,

That's a powerful post and I wish you all the best in seeking reconciliation with your mother. That won't be easy I suppose, but I sure do admire your courage in making the effort. It looks like a proof of how much she has changed.

Much love,
Larry
 
You may want to report this to your equivilant of the states Division of Youth and Family Services (DYFS). If you can't find out what that is, contact a therapist or the kids school counselor, and see where you can report this.
Or perhaps call Child-Help USA at 800-422-4453 (800-4-A-Child)

I know your hurting and I'm sorry this happened to you, but look on the positive side, you may be able to help this kid.

Jason
 
24,

Perhaps the thing for you to do if you want to read a survivor story is to go to the Survivor Stories forum. There you will find an archive full of our stories. It could be quite triggering, but I think you are already aware of that.

Just a thought.

Lots of love,

John
 
Thanks for the comments. I must say again to be perfectly clear, I am not confusing my suspicions with this woman and the abuse I suffered. I tried confiding in my sister that I think this woman is a pedophile, and my sister for one had to be convinced that my mom abused me in the first place -she is a big womans lib advocate -turns a blind eye to ANYthing that invovles women. That is why my sister is no help, even when it comes to talking about the abuse I suffered. -On a side note, I am kinda glad for malesurvivor, because people don't give a shit about guys. I mention what was done to me when I was 3 years old, and people automatically assume it was my fault, whatever the case. Only once, I think, have I told someone, and them not immediately assume I had an accident that I did to myself, or did something worth physical punishment.
=
I'm sitting here, thoughts of my death, and suicide nawing on my head, when I realize why I want to kill myself. Why I am doing the right thing by killing myself. The human brain is modular, -as is the body. Some areas are in charge of this, some of that. There is tasking, multi-tasking, inter-talking, and everything going on at play. Some part of me thinks it's ok for her to molest her son, and therefore I must self-destruct. This is the only time that incest, and child rape seemed to have added up. I've only heard things like: she reached a big orgasm in a matter of seconds, -one time with just one thrust, had sex in public and she gave him male enhancement pills to make him bigger, they have 'performed' or repeated the abuse to a audience of people that should lock her up and put him in custody of the state. She molested him while at work, on the way to school, while on a walk.
More poisonous, sickening things that have leaked about her activities. I say she is a repeat offender: She may have molested the son of a politician, that may have actually paid, or consented for her to do that.
She is a fake, a double living fake. Her struggle is which of her double lives will prevail. It's her clean living side that gets her through, but that alternate lifestyle always comes back or manifests itself.
I need to disolve, and break down, take apart the "pleasure", consenting, willing abuse aspect, see the abuse for what it is, -abuse, and move on before I actually Do give in to what is eating me alive and kill myself. Suicide "makes sense", or ads up because it is something I would do before I ever become like a abuser. The fact that the abuse somehow ever made sense at all is a flaw I can not live with, that means whatever weakness in me that said it was okay, may fail me again one day.
=
I mention in some detail the triggering things I've become aware of, and maybe someone might forgive me for partly caving in show me how they got out of similar situations. - I read a really F'd Up post here from some guy molested by his neighbor. I feel sorry for him, and now I know what it feels like to.
=
This is fucked up. I'm already a fridged non-sex having virgin, now my already over-compensating social withdraw is even more withdrawn then anyone can imagine. In plain site, people don't know all the shit I am dealing with, and how much in a sewer I live under.
=
Currently my respite from all this is talking to an attractive girl at work who is married. If she was single I know we'd hit it off.
=
The binding =inescapable part about suicide is that I thought I'd die before turning on her, or giving up how I feel, or live life without her, or forget her.
-
It's like all I can do is replace these feelings w/ someone else, and hope I forget (something I never want to do)
 
This experience is analogous to a vampire hunter that was bitten by a vampire and will become a vampire too.
Back to the 'modular' brain part I was getting at earlier. People that lead double lives, or let there lobito over-ride there higher thinking, corrupt there thinking, and become expert liars. That part of the brain saying "now is a good time to kill yourself" -with logic mind you, is what would be whored out if my lobito took over. I'd be a person living a double life too. My rational mind would be whored out to make excuses for any thoughts or desires, (God forbid) actions I take.
It down right seems like a Prime Opportunity to end my life to not become all that I hate. One sure fire sign that I am over-due for termination is that I don't hate it all like I should. I don't like it, but it's turned into a nuetral platau at the moment, where it should be a healthy hatred. That hatred is now turned at me. Probably why it is defused -because I can not self hate.
==
Life is a growing, learning experience. I'd like to think there is a happy ending to this.
 
This whole thing sounds terrible.
All those involved should be turned in to the authorities.

Dont allow yourself to be sucked into a relationship like that, or you to might get involved in allegations,

ste
 
yeah, the inbred kids have mental retardation, and are supposedly hideous. She loves them though and is spending top dollar on them, and keeping them secret. She was really proud of the lives she created untill she found out they are unhealthy, -and thusly the first time she has ever regretted something. Too bad too, because now he big deal is act like they don't exist.
I'm thinking on why I shouldn't kill myself, and to my credit, -from the moment I suspected something, to the moment I heard about it, I was in complete denial. I was hysterical, more then shocked. It's one of those things that repulses you or you embrace, and I never had any desire to be repulsed by her, so for a period of a month or so I just was going bonkers trying not to believe it was true. She gives speeches at events, and has won a award for being a good parent, is a senior girl scout leader, and all this stuff. All of it just her fascade.
 
24
suicide is an irrational thing, and you're a rational man. I can see that in the way you think about everything that seems to be going on around you.
You "know" what has to be done, you "know" she isn't good for you or anyone else around her, you "know" what is right and what is wrong.
That's a good and rational mind at work.

Don't feel a shred of guilt for reporting her, the guilt is hers.

Dave
 
It wasn't guilt I felt when I reported my suspicions, it was just upsetting. I reported it because she kept acting like, and talking like a sleazy pedophile. She'd get triggering memories of what she did, -she renovated her work space completely because she couldn't get the memory of abusing her son there. I can feel things like that she knows what she did was wrong, and she is trying to stop too. I face this problem again because recently I thought she'd flip again, and molest her son. The abuse happens fast, it was a part of their relationship at one point. She abused him in other situations, now distorting his barriers, and messing w/ his mind.
I think she 'delt' with the people I reported it to, so once again I'm banging my head against the wall trying to figure out who to talk to.
I emailed ChildhelpUSA, but they were not the least bit helpful. I already called 18004achild, as well as the state police, and my local department. Each of those times were times I suspected again she is showing signs of being a abuser. Each time I forced myself to call, email, and whatever, and cough up my suspicions. There are only so many places to take something like this to. I think the system has been comprimised.
Whatever happens or doesn't happen is way beyond me. I just hope she gets help. I wish I could replace her abusiveness with myself, and fullfill her needs, and help see her through this time in her life. -She has at times looked Real nervous when talking about pedophiles, and has even avoided it altogether at times. She was at work once acting real jittery, and out of wack.
To be clear also, I don't work w/ her, but I know who she works for, where, etc, etc.
I haven't tried the FBI Yet, but like I said, I haven't had any luck w/ them when I once tried to report some suspicious militia activity. All these agencies see to just be wearing bullseyes for corruption, and attention from mobs, or something. Seems like you go to some place for help, and it isn't there, -it's jacked up instead. -That is what my experience is. This is my 2nd big deal reporting something odd, and it is also as unsuccessful as my first time it seems.
 
24,

The thought of suicide is on your mind a lot, but talking about it is one way of asking for help. If you feel you are in danger in this area I hope you will seek that help. No one's life is worthless or deserves to be ended like that. (There are suggestions for helplines in the post on suicide at the top of each forum).

On reporting abuse, we all have to bear in mind that our ability and responsibility are limited. We really cannot save anyone here, and attempts to do that can land us in real difficulty. Please don't blame yourself for the inaction of the agencies set up to deal with these issues. Their shortcomings are not your fault.

Be gentle with yourself bro. We all have a lot of good reasons to recover, and it's especially important to bear that in mind when the world starts looking very dark.

Much love,
Larry
 
The thought of suicide is a promise, my own resolve to die before I become like a abuser. It comes to mind like a glitch, or malfunction. The bottom falls out of my trust in someone I love, goes through the floor, and creates a sinkhole that little can escape. -I'm smacking myself upside the head for ever loving her, and at that point it makes sense.
I needed to talk about it to hammer out why it supposedly 'made sense', step back and see the whole picture.
You seem to know what you are talking about. Sort of anyway:
I do blame myself for her unhappiness, and insanity. I don't blame myself for the system. I want someone to blame, and I think I am the only one that can bear my own blame. She's too out of wack to bear my blame. I'm not suicidal/blamming, but I am the most convenient to smack upside the head for somehow letting her down.
If I could have swept her off her feet, before, maybe she wouldn't abuse her son.
I actually thought of telling her at one point, out of the blue to just blame me.
She now has moments. -All kinds of moments. Pervy sleazy moments where she sounds like a perv/perp, moments she has some sanity and regrets what she did, and everything in between and more.
I wish I could help her get better, and sane more then anything right now.
 
24,

I guess I would just say that being a convenient and available target for blame doesn't make you the RIGHT target for blame. And really, one thing we will never know is what would have happened IF such and such had occurred.

It's great you feel such compassion for her, but the hard truth is that she is the only one who can make the hard decisions she would need to make in order to change her life.

Again, I hope you can be gentle with yourself on these issues.

Much love,
Larry
 
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