Healthy sexuality vs. Addictive Sexuality: A list

[EdfromNYC]

this is from a 12 step fellowship that I go to that is helping me and I thought might be helpful to others. In some of these cases, the word "abusive" could easily be substituted for "addictive" in my opinion. This list is something that I post for others as well as myself. I don't know what healthy sexuality is but I want to know and I need guidelines and help.

This is a list of hope for me. I am on a journey to get closer to this way of living with my sexuality as I disconnect my sexuality from the abuse and the abusers and the shame-based messages I got or I told myself.


Healthy Sexuality vs. Addictive Sexuality


1. Healthy sexuality adds to self-esteem. Addictive sexuality feels shameful.

2. Healthy sexuality has no victims. Addictive sexuality is exploitative, stolen or illegal.

3. Healthy sexuality deepens meaning. Addictive sexuality compromises values.

4. Healthy sexuality uses vulnerability for excitement. Addictive sexuality draws on fear for excitement.

5. Healthy sexuality cultivates a sense of being adult. Addictive sexuality re-enacts childhood abuse.

6. Healthy sexuality furthers sense of self. Addictive sexuality disconnects one from oneself.

7. Healthy sexuality expands reality. Addictive sexuality creates a world of unreality

8. Healthy sexuality relies on safety. Addictive sexuality is self-destructive and dangerous.

9. Healthy sexuality is mutual and intimate. Addictive sexuality uses conquest or power.

10. Healthy sexuality takes responsibility for needs. Addictive sexuality is seductive.

11. Healthy sexuality may bring legitimate suffering. Addictive sexuality serves to medicate and kill pain.

12. Healthy sexuality originates in integrity. Addictive sexuality is dishonest.

13. Healthy sexuality integrates authentic parts of self. Addictive sexuality requires a double life.

14. Healthy sexuality is fun and playful. Addictive sexuality is grim and joyless.

15. Healthy sexuality rejoices in the variety of imperfection. Addictive sexuality demands perfection.

16. Healthy sexuality presents challenges. Addictive sexuality becomes routine.

 

[George]

Dead on accurate...

 

[C. E.]

Replace Addictive sexuality in each item with Sexual abuse and the very same truths apply.

 

[JW1230]

Thank you so much for sharing this...I too struggle with trying to define healthy sexuality for myself.. This is extremely helpful.

John

 

[Severe stammer]

Very good read and very thought provoking and understanding.
My sexual addiction in Adulthood was escaping reality, I never raped anyone and always had consent with woman,
I just escaped to feel normal I couldn't make love sober but this was due to being groomed at 12 till I was 16 he would get me drunk and was showing me the wrong affection I hated anyone touching me when I was sober adults and children, I could play with my children sober, like pretend fighting but I got use to be touched when learning to do martial arts, it wasn't easy sometimes practing id have a flash back, some who trained with me thought I was strange but I never had the confidence to tell them about my childhood abuse I did tell my ex and her family and friends but was offered no help, I became addicted to looking at adult porn late at night, I wanted to dive in the screen but it was my escape plus cocaine and vodka, ive been clean 7 years, my porn addiction is that bad but I do get drunk the odd time to masturbate.
I don't drink vodka anymore ir take cocaine as coke made me more horny .
I'm sorry for being personal I just like to say how I feel I can't tell lies, I even told my ex I was going to prostitutes I know it sounds disgusting but it was my escape, we both ruined the relationship, but honesty is always the best option.
I'm happy my ex and children are happy with a. New life and I need to live aswell and start to heal I'm going into therapy soon so I'm hoping this will help me more forward.
Take care x

 

[EdfromNYC]

I had a lot of the same issues including porn, cocaine and alcohol and couldn't stop and finally did. I was touched when I was 13 to 18 by older men who took advantage of me and I shied away from all touch too. I acted out sexually to get touch because it was the only way I knew how and I hated it and craved it but couldn't understand why. I didn't know what healthy touch looked or felt like. I didn't know that I could be touched and that it didn't have to lead to sex.

Now I know and am learning and I've put down most of the unhealthy coping and I am moving from just coping to growing. It is painful to shed the armor but I can now see that I've been protecting myself from stuff that happened 30 years ago. I can let go. Also, I seemed weird to people too because I had so many shut down areas of myself that I would cringe and flinch or tense up when someone touched me and I avoided male/male bonding through sports and stuff and I missed out on a lot and I get sad but I also keep moving now - that's different.

Glad you're writing and you're here.

 

[LinEar]

Thanks for sharing this. Definitely see many parallels (both from the addictive and healthy perspectives) in a previous relationship. Everything 'healthy' should come to us naturally in an ideal world. Abuse perverts every item on the list.