Hi all,
I am concerned to see so much self-retribution and judgement about fantasies and fetishes. We must be more gentle with ourselves! So, not to take anything away from what are clearly very painful and difficult, complex problems (my heart goes out to you/us all), but I feel compelled to add something (that will hopefully be helpful) to this thread.
First, Victor makes an important point about the concept of "normal." The whole notion of "normal" reminds me of a poster my daughter has which reads: "The only 'normal' people out there are the ones you don't know very well yet!"
I also appreciate Zadok1's comments about fetishes. In my view, fetishes are only a problem when they are harmful to oneself or others, and/or when they interfere with our ability to function effectively in our day-to-day lives. If one's fetish isn't causing a problem for anyone, then it's not a problem! Ditto for sexual fantasies, in my opinion.
Human sexuality is an incredibly complex phenomena, whether one has ever experienced SA or not. And that certainly includes our fantasy lives. As an adult human with a healthy sense of myself as a sexual being, I generally accept my sexual fantasies--which are often mundane, but sometimes bizarre, "perverse" or even somewhat unsettling to reflect upon in the light of day--as perfectly acceptable facets of my sexuality overall. It is perfectly "normal" to be turned on by thoughts or images of things that we may or may not actually desire in reality. And it is absolutely "normal" for both men and women to fantasize about persons other than their partner from time-to-time--especially men. Again, this strikes me as being a problem only when we are no longer ever able to be turned on by our partner or when fantasies about others are the predominant feature (longterm) of our sex life with our partner. (I know, just cos' he's human [and male] that my guy isn't always fantasizing about me when we're together. Our agreement is that if he's thinking about someone else, he doesn't tell me about it! But if he's *always* fanatsizing about others? I want to know, as painful as it would be to hear. This, of course, may or may not be true for other women.)
The same applies to the use of porn, to my way of thinking. I understand all too well that for many of you, porn is a problem because of a dependency on it and because it further hinders your ability to be fully present and intimate with your parnter/s. A very difficult and painful problem to be sure, though the shame that goes with this, while entirely understandable, is certainly something to work towards letting go of, hard as that no doubt is to do. My partner too, struggles with a dependency on porn and the problem has hurt both of us as individuals and our relationship, so this is not a subject that I take at all lightly. He still struggles with it and, consequently, so do I.
Personally, I don't have a problem with some porn in and of itself, and like many other well-adjusted women, can even find it very arousing from time-to-time. I do have issues with the way most porn degrades women and/or dehumanizes people. Overexposure to messages that, for example, portray women as "anal sluts" desensitizes viewers to that, just as overexposure to graphic violence tends to desensitize us to violence. It certainly doesn't help nurture our capacity for intimacy! But as an occasional aid to one's autoerotic or interpersonal sex life, I don't see porn use as a serious problem. To me, it's like alcohol use: Some of us can have the occasional drink and leave it at that, some of us can't. Sadly, the impersonal and typically dehumanizing nature of porn can have far-reaching and heartbreaking effects for many of us, I know.
Zadok1, it seems perfectly normal to me that we can go through phases where our partner is not exciting to us at all. If this isn't just a passing phase (and it doesn't sound like it is), then I think you need to communicate your concerns as lovingly, gently and yet still openly and *honestly* as possible with your wife. I also suggest identifying *the problem* as the problem, being clear and careful not to make either of you the problem (am I making sense here?). Perhaps ask her for her help with the problem. In this way, she can be part of the solution and have that oh so necessary feeling of your being loving partners working together on something of critical importance to you both.
If it's a question of wanting to do certain things with her that she doesn't know about, who knows? You may find that she's been having secret desires for the same things, but been too afraid that you'd reject or be put off by *her* as being too perverse or "sick." Perhaps not. She may react with total hurt or worse, revulsion. Consequently, I'd suggest waiting until you feel you have the emotional/psychological reserves to handle whatever happens. And make sure you've got a support system in place that can help you through things if it doesn't go well (the guys on this forum, for example).
If the problem is really one of an inability to be physically and emotionally intimate with her because of issues unrelated to her, how can she help with this or even avoid feeling that she's the problem if you don't tell her?
One of my greatest hurts in my own relationship (my partner having a long and unresolved history of CSA)is that my man is unable or unwilling to share with me about what's really going on for him in terms of his sexuality. Yes, it is hard to know that many of the things I would like in bed are off-limits (triggers) with him. Yes, it leaves me in utter despair that genuine intimacy seems quite beyond him most of the time. Yes, it is extremely difficult for me that often when my guy tells me that he has no interest in sex at all, says he isn't even capable of an erection at the time, and rejects any advances I make, I discover later that he went and masturbated to porn on the net once I'd gone to sleep. It can feel devastating at times (no doubt to us both).
Still, as a partner to someone with a history of CSA and huge issues with intimacy, what I find hardest is the lack of honesty, the sneaking (porn), the lack of communication and trust, and therefore, the lack of opportunity to see if we can't come up with some solutions and healing.
Whatever you decide, the very best of luck to you. And please, be kind to yourself!
Stride
