Healthy sex after csa........ever?

Healthy sex after csa........ever?
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Hi there, I am just wondering.....I am feeling closer to my husband because of understanding him better, finally, after 14 yrs! of marriage, and am feeling amorous toward him because of it.....though I know nothing will happen for a LONG time......is it possible for a survivor to feel amorous toward their wife/gf for finally understanding them, or is this just something that never will be a healthy, normal drive for them ever again?

What I mean is, how many of you survivors have been able to resume relations with your loved one after going through therapy for csa? My husband is not in therapy yet, though I am praying he will go someday, but he has shut down our sex life completely for about 4 1/2 months now and I'm starting to miss it! I do not want to get my hopes up too high but want some encouragement on this.....that it can return.......one day??????
 
My partner never shut down on me entirely after starting recovery. The months of avoidance happened before that when he was unable to cope or acknowledge. He has had bad days here and there but nothing very dramatic for a long time.

Most of our troubles in this area come from dealing with past issues, and from communicating-- he still has a lot of shame/difficulty with talking about some aspects of our sex life, especially when it comes to the days that he's not feeling good about sex-- but honestly I don't think that's limited to SA survivors. I think most men would feel some cultural pressure to act like their sex drive was as high or higher than their spouse's.

I think a lot of survivors (male and female) feel a renewed sense of intimacy and happiness when they come to a point in healing where a healthy sex life is something they can "reclaim" from the abuse. I know that since my partner has been recovering he has been a lot more in touch with his feelings and wants in all areas and that our communication is better overall-- which has had a positive impact on our intimacy.

I wish that survivors could understand how these issues affect their partners even just so that they could acknowledge it. It has a real emotional impact that I think survivors often miss because their own emotions relating to sex are so skewed.

SAR
 
So did he ever shut the sex down completely before he got therapy? I feel I'm alone in this area....it really hurts to be rejected/not desired for over 4 months now.
 
Originally posted by Brokenhearted:
So did he ever shut the sex down completely before he got therapy?
Click to expand...
yup. Longer than 4 months. He has since expressed it to me as just a need to say "no." Not so much to me, as for himself. At the time his words were more along the lines of how there was something wrong with me for wanting sex and for taking his rejection personally. It has been difficult for me to get back to a place of trust in some ways. I am less assertive and can be sensitive now about rejection. But I am working on it.
 
Was he acting out during the time he shut it down with you?
 
To be honest, he was generally an unresponsive shit of a partner and father during that time and that's what I remember most. He was acting out too but his "acting out" was mostly passive and limited to internet activity and some phone calls from girls that he met in chat rooms. It sounds weird but there are things he did that affected us a lot more than the acting out. (because the acting out was clearly not really about "us" and some of the other stuff was)

I know that he assumed I was cheating on him (or at least told himself that I was to justify his behavior).
 
Sar, so how long did that unresponsive period last and how did you put an end to it ? I want it to end, I want to move to the next step, whatever that is. My fear is that it will continue to get worse if we don't put a stop to it.

About your h's acting out, when it was passive and limited to internet, did it get worse and progress after that to him meeting w/ real people, or was that AFTER he had met w/ real people and then it sort of died down a little?????
 
SAR, also, this sounds ludicrous but do I "Have a Right" to ask if he's acting out or what he meant when he said he has messed around on me "so much"? Because at the time he told me I was just in shock, just trying to deal, and explain to him that I know it's the abuse that was causing him to do things.... so I never really got details... and I didn't want to bring it up again b/c he gets mad and doesn't want to talk about it. But is that what you did, demanded to know????
 
Sorry to piggyback, Sar, but I am so ecouraged b/c your H was in the same place - "when he was unable to cope or acknowledge." -- and I just need to somehow get us moving past this dead place where we are at now.
 
If I can't answer all your questions now I will come back to it.

Acting out was only limited to internet and some phone calls with one of the people he chatted with. When she started trying to make it "more real" (wanting more phone time w. him and also letters and photos) he broke off contact with her. It was not about sex really, it was about re-creating a particular kind of scenario but this time where he had all the control and never actually had to engage with anyone. Once she started acting like a person with her own needs and agenda he wasn't interested.

I never knew any of it at the time. About 18 months after he stopped talking to her, we moved and I found some papers while I was packing-- phone bills that didn't add up, and the "why haven't you written me a letter" letter from her.

I tracked her down and got in touch with her, and then I confronted him-- I wanted to see if their stories would match. And yes I demanded to know everything. I told him that the next time I learned something "on my own" or by surprise, it was over. Of course this only applies to things regarding our life together-- I have put no pressure on him to disclose anything related to his childhood or before we were together. I don't feel I have a "right" to that information.

IMO there shouldn't even be a question about whether you have a right to know what's happened since you've been together. You are supposed to share your life at this point. A person who would withhold information from me that affects my life and my decision making is not a person I can share my life with. But that might not be everyone's boundary.

I should also add that we both did a lot of growth and change from the time he started acting out to when I discovered it. If I had found out at the time I believe it would have ended the relationship.
 
SAR, thanks for the answers so far...

But how long did your husband totally shut down the intimacy w/ you -- and then after you confronted him about the online girl, what happened next? Did you then demand he get help, or did he concede that he needed help, or ...? Or did the intimacy return on its own after a time?

Mine has said that "whatever his past is" HE will deal w/ it....on his timetable. I hope he means he WILL get help.
 
BH,

It's been a long time since I have been able to respond here, I'm sorry... and I see that a lot has happened for you since then.

I don't know how relevant this convo. is for you, so let me know if there is more that you want me to say.

I would say that the longest we probably went without a single sexual encounter was around 6 months. But there were months on both sides of that where sex was very, very infrequent (3-4 weeks)-- mostly I would initiate, and then he would turn me down, and then once in a long while he would want sex and I would agree but end up resenting it because I would say yes to him but never the other way around.

When I would try to bring this up he would get very mean-- tell me I was a freak, shallow and obsessed with sex, that I was overly emotional and manipulative, or lying, about being upset. I remember one day that I told him "I am losing desire for you because of how I am rejected all the time. I am starting to think I would rather not have an intimate relationship with you at all." and he got very quiet and then said, "Okay, I can understand how you'd feel that way." and then fell asleep in another room. :(

It was like this to greater/lesser degrees for probably 3 years. He was acting out within this time.

Things had improved some on their own when I found out about the online thing. At that point I cut off our intimacy altogether until I could be sure that he had been faithful-- that was an emotional boundary for me but also a health boundary.

We were really able to make a new beginning out of being together again afterwards. At first I think he did it mostly for me because he knew it was something I had brought up and been hurt about in the past, and then as he healed he started reclaiming his sexuality for himself.

Part of his therapy was about learning to recognize his preferences and desires (something that he never really got to do as a kid)-- even about simple things like what he wanted to watch on TV-- he really had to train himself to figure out what he wanted and then go for it. Part of his "homework" in therapy was also to figure out his genuine sexual attractions rather than to base them on a template that was in his head from the abuse-- he was reluctant to share this with me (mostly because it sounded like a lame excuse to check out women in the name of therapy)-- but it led to some really good, intimacy-building conversations between us and it gave us a way to learn more about each other.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we have a really loving intimate life these days and if we can do it, I have to believe that it can be possible for any couple here with enough time, and if both people are willing to work at it and be a bit vulnerable.
 
Thanks SAR, I appreciate any insight on these things at all....I feel that my husband does not even want me to even hint at sex so I just give him a hug at times. I am very careful not to be sexual around him out of respect for him....it is just a delicate time for that now....I wonder if he has a drive left at all...I worry....but he saw a therapist for his first time last wed. so I will let her guide us as to what we should do....first she will see him for a while alone, then later will suggest a session for us together....I hope my husband stays w/ it...

Interestingly I've always noticed my husband is very indiscrimiate about what is on tv. He will turn it on, and watch till the end whatever was on that channel that turned on, without looking around, and it doesn't matter that the show was in the middle....he always watches it to the end even if he says it wasn't very good.

Oprah was on tv this morning on the news, she's giving a school to some girls in Africa...we were watching together and Oprah said, "As you all know, I kniow what it's like to be physically abused, sexually abused, and to have the confusion..." We just sat there together, neither of us commenting, but I wondered if he thought anything like, "Wow, if Oprah can talk about it and then move on to be so incredibly successful....why can't I," but maybe its impact would have been greater if Oprah were a man. Maybe he was thinking, "yeah, but that sort of thing happens to women commonly...no one talks about it happening to men..." It really doesn't matter-I know I'll never be in his head. I just wonder sometimes what he might be thinking since he never talks.

I wonder how long it will take for his therapy to "take off" and become really relevant to the abuse. I'm calling the office tomorrow to find out if he has another appt - he told me the next one's in "6 months" (he was kidding me) but he never said when it was, and I need to know he has another one.

Thanks again for the info/forfeshadowing perhaps of what is to come in therapy or his mindset.
 
Broken I can relate to the TV thing, I have only just started to watch and hire films that 'I' truly like. I have always felt compelled to watch rubbish and watch it to the end and then whine about the lack of innovation in the arts and all that. So believe me, it's a phase.

Also, everyone will probably tell you this, but it's important to find a highly, highly experienced MEN'S SEXUAL ABUSE THERAPIST. I've been through about 12 shrinks to finally find one who can actually perform their duties, and it's a HE. This may be important too.

I thought I was being open minded and all that seeing a women therapist (several actually) but it always just furthered my abuse; but that's just me.

And re: sex, we have sex about once a year for the last 3 years I'd say and it was very infrequent before that. I would say we've maybe had se two dozen imes (including quickies) over 10 years knowing each other. And even that was hugely unsatisfying, no emotional bonding at all really. But we have just begun to rediscover kissing, so there too is hope for you and your other half.
 
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