Healing without therapy?

Healing without therapy?
L

Leosha

Registrant
I am posting this for a friend. He started with a therapist, for first time, two weeks ago. Even going only two times, it has been terrifying experience for him. The two sessions he has been to, he has been scared and nervous all day, even day before. And then is very depressed, very low, for two or three days after, feeling much worse about himself than he does normally. He says the therapist is nice enough, he just can not do this. On top of emotional stress, he has to travel quite a distance to get to the therapist (is somewhat hard to find one who speaks the language), and has to pay a lot, both for the therapist and the travel, money which he can not afford so well.

What I would like to know is, how necessary is therapy for healing? Is there anyone here who has had significant healing/progress without therapy? and if it is possible, in what way? Books, medications, etc? I want to be able to support what will help him, because therapy is supposed to make us feel better, not so much worse. I know that two sessions is not much to judge by, and that maybe a different therapist would be better. But I would like to see what other thoughts and opinions there are about it. Thank you.

leosha
 
Hi Leosha,

Of course the quick answer is "yes" without help of some kind, your friend's life is always going to be affected by this stuff. He will try to outrun it but it will always catch up with him. It will ruin his ability to get close to people, to feel his real feelings, and have the kind of life he should be able to have.

However, he doesn't necessarily have to start with talk therapy. He could see a psychiatrist first and get evaluated for medicine that could help with the fear and depression. Then he might not be so afraid of therapy. He can also begin coming here just like you did, meet people, talk with them and feel what it's like to get support. This will also give him time to find a therapist closer and hopefully more affordable.

Why don't you ask him to come here and ask some of his questions and get some feedback from the men here. Just knowing that others are going through it too might help in some small way.

Hope this helps. Feel free to PM.

Taz
 
I have had a great amount of healing since coming here, but, I am also at an advantage. I was not a victem of CSA. I also have extensive knowledge of philosophy and good knowledge of psychology and other related things. My real in life psychiatrist wants to talk about everything except what happened. I know he's analyzing me, and I don't care. If he wants to learn something, the ONLY real way he is going to do that is to ask me, talk about it, and see where I stand on things and what I believe in. He spends more time talking than anything else. I'm paying him so that I can sit there and listen to him talk about absolutely nothing. Any time that I try to talk about anything, he just interrupts me and keeps going.
 
Leosha and friend,

Healing comes from within ones self. Therapy is but one vessel of help, one that I personally found very helpful. But it is not the only one. I used to come home from therapy very angry, my now ex-wife would ask me why I would even go if it would anger me so. It is because I knew I needed it. After awhile, I became to look forward to it. I still come home angry now and then, I have come home in full flashback mode. Even with these events after therapy, I gain more of myself back.

I read a book at the very beginning. I did a lot of crying during it. One chapter in it has greatly helped and has made a difference in my life. I don't remember the name of the book, but I sure do remember that chapter.

I take medication. Medication is an aid, not a cure, to help you through the tough times. It took a long time to get the one that was right for me, and involved a lot of talking with my pdoc.

Many people find that some of the spiritual type things are helpful. The connecting the body with the mind, such as yoga. I have tried it, and I see its benefits. Now just to get my lazy butt to do it more often.

Your support and the support of others is important. As is the ability for him to be able to get to the point that he can talk about it.

Support whatever is helping him. Guide him away from what isn't, without being condesending. But sometimes you just have to lay it all out, with love and concern.

Take care of yourself, both of you,
Bill
 
Leosha
I think that therapy is important, and if possible he should try to stick with it. The early sessions are always going to be the hardest ones.
And if he gets a few sessions behind him he should have learned some usefull tools that he can then use on his own.

There is also the option of online therapy - but I have no experience of this at all.

Most of the success we have is achieved by sharing our stories with someone who doesn't judge us, who is empathetic, and above all shows trust.
We do that here, so although this isn't therapy in the true sense, it's a damn good start.

Just the fact that he's disclosed his abuse to you shows that he's making some effort, and it would be a shame for that to come to a halt.
But I know that you'll be there for him.

Dave
 
Hi Leosha--

I think one can heal oneself. But there are difficulties that might make therapy easier for some people. There are lots of dark passages in the mind and in the psyche (at least there have been in mine), and it might be comforting to have someone there with one when those dark dank places get exposed to the light.

I've never been very comfortable with the idea of psychological therapy, not because I see anything wrong with it in anyway, but because I'm basically a very private person and I've always seen my healing as something very personal and particularly mine. I didn't want to be generalized I guess as "abuse victim # 10" or something.

So I've been doing the work on my own. I've read tons of psychology and am a pretty active zen practioner, and I make self-analysis part of my daily life through daily meditation practice. I've enjoyed getting to know the ins and outs of my psyche, and the thing I like best about working on my own is the fact that there are no norms for me to contend with. I sometimes get the feeling in discussing psychology with my psychologist friends and my friends in therapy that there are understandings of "healthy" humanity and "unhealthy" that don't seem to reflect the nature of my life. So working through the issues on my own has allowed me to ask "Who do I want to be" and to assign myself a practice that has allowed that me to emerge, seemingly whole and relatively healthy and directed only by my own desires as opposed to a generic "right way of being."

I don't suppose I know exactly what fully healed could be, as it implies being like someone who never went through the problems, but a while ago I woke up and realized that I didn't feel victimized anymore and that my life feels like it's mine now and that the effects of the abuse are like little facets that color my judgement and approach to life as opposed to obstacles. It seems past to me, and I guess that's a kind of healing.

So to answer your question about methods, the first thing I did was to write a book of family memories that allowed me to relive and to see again the whole business, the alcoholism in my family, the abuse, the good the bad...I essentially relived it all and poured it all out on the page. The abuse story was particularly traumatic to write, but very healing.

I used a memory exercise for this process that was designed to let me reencounter all the experiences fully. I wrote this exercise up on our list here: https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=002442

It's a very powerful tool, though, so anyone who tries it should realize that it will really take you back to the place you're visiting with it. I was in tears for days as I worked through the abuse material. One thing that can make it bearable is the writing process. As I visualized the scenes and the dialogue and the textures and smells, I sat at the keyboard and wrote it all down, every last thing and thus was able to keep from being overwhelmed. If one did this in the presence of a therapist it might be safer in that the triggers would be managed somewhat by someone else. The exercise can also take you back to wonderful places, so it's great for depression.

I like my way because in thinking through the issues it lets me go wherever I want whenever I want to go there. Those weeks in which that story poured out were very traumatic. When they were done though, the story's hold on me was also done. I gathered the stories and poems together with a set of family photos and am now trying to market them. Consciously shaping the stories into works of art was also healing.

The most useful thing I've done for myself is to work with my inner self to redirect the habitual pattern of my life. The worst thing about the abuse to me has been the way it colors my thinking and interactions with people. These are built on habits of mind I've inherited from my poor attempts at survival. I've been working on changing these habits through a practice I call a meditation on inner self. I wrote this up as well for our list, here:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=003409

I deeply believe in the possibility of self-healing and I love the sense of power and control the concept gives me. I've always believed my being is itself my responsibility, and I am very happy to be alive.

So, from my point of view healing is possible without therapy. I actually believe the healing itself always comes from the self, not from an outside force (therapist or friend or whomever). The primary thing that has to happen is always personal: one has to recognize the problems and both see and want the possibility for transformation. The therapist is just the helper along the way. We will always be the ones who make the actual adaptation to the new life. The purpose of therapy (professional or home made) is to discover that life and recognize that it can be. Then the poor abused guy has to take up the yoke again and shoulder it again and say "I'll never be that way again!" and commit to the future life.

Danny

Some particularly helpful books to me are:

A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield (great healing meditations)

Zen Mind Beginner's Mind (by Sunryu Suzuki)

The Three Pillars of Zen (Philip Kapleau)

The Snow Leopard (Peter Matthiessen)

The Spiral Dance (Starhawk)
 
I do not believe that it's impossible to heal without therapy. It depends on the individual person.

The biggest benefit to therapy, I think, is having someone to talk to who is not currently engaged in the emotional struggle that healing can create. I too often had a very narrow view of how sexual abuse affected me or did not know how the sexual abuse shaped my view of the world around me. A T can be a reality check if one is needed.

Also, it is perfectly normal to feel "worse" during therapy than you remember feeling before. A part of therapy is acknowledging the trauma and pain that was done to you, and if your friend is like me, I have always avoided dealing with the trauma and pain because it DOES hurt. However, your friend will notice that he eventually feels better after each pain that he works through.

I have been in T for about 5 or so years now, and I had a horrible day last Friday that made me feel as bad as the time that I had to go into the hospital; however, I found that I could work through it a little easier than before and that all of my hard work did indeed have some benefit.
 
Leosha,

I think that you can heal without going through therapy. I dont like Ts and dont like someone I have to pay to help me. I can't trust someone I dont know. How can someone I dont know and has not gone through the same shit help me? But I am going to the retreat at the end of May so I will let you know Leosha if it helps or not seeing a T. Plus if your friend is not ready to be seeing a T then he should not go. Therapy can only work if he is ready.

lots of love, Nathan
 
Originally posted by Leosha:

...because therapy is supposed to make us feel better, not so much worse.
Click to expand...
Hi Leosha,

First things first. Sure it is possible for people to make progress without a therapist, but that is different than no therapy or no healing at all. You are asking about 'professional therapy' versus self-therapy, I think. With all the distress he has shown, I think he is in need of some healing from SOMEwhere. He shows the signs of disturbing inner conflict, and he could use some relief!

I have some thoughts about that, and some experience too.

I think the answer about only self-help is related to the degree of harm the friend has undergone. That is different in each case. We can treat our own small cut on the finger, it gets more risky if there is a lot of bleeding or possible infection, and different still if we are having a full-blown heart attack. Do you see what I mean? Sometimes it takes a skilled professional to tell the difference between major and minor health problems.

Also, self therapy can be an even-more rocky and lonely road. People who have been harmed usually need and benefit from feedback from an objective person who is not on the situation themselves. I recently took 9 months off from assisted therapy to see if I was ready for that. My doctor even thought it was a good idea. The intrusive thoughts became so large and disruptive I could no longer continue by myself, and now I am back in assisted therapy. That is me (not him), but those are the facts. I tried by myself but it was too much. At least I knew how to tell, from previous help from a therapist.

Another danger is for a friend, like you, to try to 'help' by taking the place of the professional therapist. That can happen very insidiously, without it being the official plan of either of you. I have had that situation ruin more than one friendship, because the transference of anger by the abused person was onto me. It did not help them, and was traumatic and exhausting for me.

Yes, therapy IS designed to make us feel better eventually, but it is often not immediate. Some people will stay out of therapy because "It just feels bad". That may not be the therapy, but the issues they are facing in therapy, no longer in denial about them.

Still, there is that old exression about dying from the treatment, not the disease. It really happens, so I hear you. We must survive the treatment. If your friend is not ready for more, then slow and easy does it. Maybe self nurturing and some self therapy, with basic support from friends, is HIS way to start somewhere. How much more will he need? Time will tell. But I hope you won't let trying to meet his needs exhaust you. You are a patient too, and every bit as deserving of help, healing, rest, and any joy you can claim along the way in your journey.

BTW, the first rule of medicine is "Do no harm". But another old saying is, "The doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient". Each case is truly unique.

Your friend,

Ed
 
Thank you everyone who responded here (and Ed, it is very good to see you here, I'm sorry i haven't been in contact so much). I suggested to my friend that he try to write out some of what happen in the past, since he was so nervous to actually speak it, and to give that to his therapist. And also, to talk with her of how upsetting therapy is for him, how much it affects him physically and emotionally. He is at therapy today, so tonight will talk with him hopefully and see how it went. Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it and I know he did also.

leosha
 
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