healing through forgiveness

victor-victim said:
I originally posted my story about 10 years age in "survivor stories"
this is a link to my story of surviving a serial killer (originally posted in 2003)
TRIGGER WARNING
https://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=76022&page=29
TRIGGER WARNING
please read responsibly.

that was ten years ago.

this is where I am today...

as a teenage victim/survivor of serial killer clifford olson (employed, raped, choked, but not killed - 1977),
it has taken me over 30 years to overcome the many emotional and spiritual diseases he infected me with.

the worst was the hatred.

because i hated him so much, i was unable to even consider forgiving him,
until i realized the HATE was killing ME.... not HIM.

with lots of help from religious family and friends,
i spent hours praying and crying for god to give me the strength and wisdom to finally put this behind me,
and forgive the man who raped me.
NOT for what he did to the other victims,
but for what he did TO ME.

i was incapable of letting go of the hatred which had motivated and fueled my life for three decades.

i was only trying to forgive him because it was impossible to kill him
(he was in protective custody in a maximum security prison),
and I was tired and frustrated by this impotent rage,
which could not be acted out.
plus... by studying the bible for some time, it became obvious to me
that forgiveness was a necessary step toward true joy.
i had murder in my heart, and it was coming between me and my creator.

all my adult life, i had prayed for olson's death.
I DID NOT WANT TO DIE BEFORE HIM.
i wanted to live in a world without him.

god did not answer those prayers.
i started to hate god, government, man, and myself.

but, eventually, one night, i finally, truly, sincerely begged god to let me forgive Olson.
after a fitful session of sweat and anxiety, it came in a flash...
HE WAS A CHILD OF GOD and HE WAS GOD'S PROBLEM... NOT MINE.
GOD WILL JUDGE HIM.
NOT ME.

I RESIGNED AS GENERAL MANAGER OF THE UNIVERSE.
as soon as I handed in my resignation,
it became obvious that
I NEVER HAD THE JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
it became clear to me that Anger was nothing more than Fear with a mask.
the things we Fear the most, have already happened to us.
Fear was the merely the absence of Love.

it was as if a million tons of manure was lifted from my back.
thirty years of therapy had only taught me survival...
NOW for the first time in my memory,
i felt freedom, like i was flying.

NEVER BEFORE had I felt unconditional love and the presence of the holy spirit.
i cried tears of joy, not pain.

i got out of bed and turned on my computer
to send an email home to my family in Canada
( I was visiting relatives in Germany ).

the newsfeed on my computer literally jumped off the screen with the headline
"[size:20pt]CLIFFORD OLSON DEAD[/size]".
it was Sept 30, 2011.
he died the same day i forgave him!!

it only took me 35 years.

35 YEARS OF WASTED HATRED!
35 YEARS OF IMPOTENT RAGE!
35 YEARS OF POISON EMOTION!
35 YEARS OF RIGHTEOUS WRATH!
35 YEARS OF REVENGE FANTASY!
35 YEARS OF UNHEALTHY ANXIETY!

all i did was hurt myself and the people i love.

this is a true story.
so I don't care if you believe me.

JUST REMEMBER LOVE IS LIFE,
AND HATE IS LIVING DEATH.
TREAT YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,
AND LIVE FOR EVERY BREATH.
-Black Sabbath

this is a link to my story of surviving a serial killer (originally posted in 2003)
TRIGGER WARNING
https://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=76022&page=29
TRIGGER WARNING
please read responsibly.



please share this story. post it. pass it on.
Click to expand...
Thank You and Bless You for sharing your miracle of forgiveness!
 
Tedure said:
Thank You and Bless You for sharing your miracle of forgiveness!
Click to expand...


Dear Tedure.

i still forgive,
but i still suffer.
it's hard to live,
but i'm getting tougher.
some days i thrive,
some days i creep.
some days i'm alive,
some days i weep.
the struggle to strive.
the nights without sleep.
the strength to survive.
the damage is deep.
the memories are real,
and so is the pain.
the wounds may heal,
but the scars remain.
 
feeling lost.
ended up telling my story of forgiveness to some people who were trying to teach me a lesson about forgiveness. i wasn't trying to tell it. the story just blurted out. once it started, i couldn't very well stop it in the middle. then i started down the spiral after they left. second thoughts. doubts. do i really know how to forgive? have i forgiven?
too much to think through in a short time. it's been a few days of daze. why is this tunnel so long and dark?
i know i'm already past that point. had to come back here to refresh my memory.
read my own words. hear my own voice. know my own thoughts.
 
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