healing myself to death

healing myself to death
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
when i came here about 5 months ago,i saw people who were light years ahead of me in healing from their abuse, i said ok it can be done ,i want it ,i want it right now! i dont want to wait or go slow ,i want it now!so iwould come here and ask for advice ,then not take it . everyone told me to go slow ,be sure you can handle what your taking on ,but i didnt listen ,i dont have time to go slow ,i want it now!so i did things like confronting my perp without being prepared for the result ,i confronted my dad after being told it might be a bad thing ,i contacted my mother after 10 years against the advice ,i was driven by the need to be better now ,i pushed my mind and body beyond the limits ,and when the nightmares started it was eaiser to just not sleep ,but who can just not sleep for days? so the drugs came into play ,i did meth because it kept me awake ,i was afraid to sleep ,the meth made it easy to just forget to eat so my body just gave out . seizures that i have not had for over 5 years started again ,of course i stopped taking the meds for them about a year ago .each time that i confronted something from my past the result was bad ,but i just pushed it aside and moved on to the next disappointment,expecting people to change and never getting what i wanted from them ,expecting people to care who never did . not dealing with anything really just pushing it all away ,so i guess where this post is going is if your new here ,when they say take it slow ,listen!for me i think i might just need to start over and do it the slow way .my way landed me in the hospital ,but it did slow me down at last. adam
 
expecting people to change and never getting what i wanted from them ,expecting people to care who never did
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That is the truth. That is so much of "healing", realizing that. That part was horrible.

EGL told me it's not our job to fix people. If our families and old friends were the type that cared more about others than themselves, we wouldn't be here. But we keep hoping that they'll apologize or they'll feel some of what we're feeling, that they'll feel bad or they'll change. And they don't. It was then that I realized that if my mother and the sperm donor she is married to were so incredibly selfish that they could ignore and physically and emotionally hurt a child, what makes me think they will be or do any better with me as an adult. I am expecting them to show and feel things they are incapable of feeling or showing. Like asking a machine to cry with me or a badger to curl up in my lap. I wonder if a lot of what happens in healing isn't just seeing our old crutches in the light of an ugly, objective reality.

Sometimes that reality is so incredibly different from what we've believed for so many years that our brains aren't ready for that. It took me over 10 years of therapy and over a year here talking to others going through this before I could begin to see my parents, my sister, and my old friends for what they are. It's taken me this long (maybe I'm just slow) to say, I can't change them. If I'd tried or been forced to see all this in one month, I'd be dead. I wasn't ready or prepared to be so totally shut down and rejected by the only people I thought I had who cared about me. It was all a lie, but I needed to wean myself off the lie.

Adam, I'm so sorry. It sounds like your face is suffering from that brick wall syndrome. I've been there many times. And then I get up and try to recognize my limitations. Yeah, I want to get this over with, but my mind and body aren't able to do all I want at the speed I want. You've given good advice for all of us.

Take care of yourself, OK?
 
Adam,

I am afraid it is baby steps for you.
Nobody can run before they can walk.
I hope you can stay off the drugs if
you can, or use softer drugs.

Mike gave you good advice, and he is
totally right.
My family dont know the Hell of the past
they just watched it happen.

They think of themselves, while I always put others before myself.
The only time my family seem to care is when
I cry out.

Each of us has a little guy inside kicking out,
mine just keeps it all in, so he is hurting inside
instead of getting the right help.

Dont you feel that is just what you have been doing!
The little guy screaming inside and asking them
to be listened to!

It does get better, you will stumble along the way, but you will get there,

ste
 
Adam,

You know what? We do what we do. Many of us wait for years before trying to heal, then we beat ourselves up wondering why did we wait. We get raped by pedophiles and get told it wasn't our fault, but we still blame ourselves. And on and on and on.

Bro, we are all on our own timeline okay? You rushed into things and got told hey back off a bit. You didn't and that messed some things up for you. But didn't it achieve some results all the same?

Sometimes we have to hit the wall a few times before we realize that's what's happening. That sucks bigtime, doesn't it?

But look at the other side of things. You are a young guy in your early 20s and you are already doing things that none of us "old guys" ( :rolleyes: ) could have done at that age. Do we resent ourselves for that? No. We are just happy for you. You are on your way.

I agree that you need a reassessment of how fast you push ahead. But it is still YOUR timeline. Others can advise you: guys here, friends, your T. But it is still your decision how you contront your abuse issues and heal. That's the way it has to be.

Adam, you aren't defeated. You did nothing wrong. You are learning, and for all of us that's the name of the game.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hey Adam, you got me thinking about when I sent that letter to my parents. That letter, as some of you may recall, was a scathing indictment of their parenting skills. I made them accountable, and they apologized, and..............it was an empty feeling but at least I was acknowledged for what had happened to me and how I felt about it.

You deserved that too Adam!! And you reached out and tried to get the very same thing that I had recieved. We both made a bold move and tried to do something that would help heal the wounds of our pasts.

I did it by writing a letter and getting thier replies, and you did it recently by calling your Mom and trying to re-connect with the family that abandoned you. Unfortunately, the emotional backlash of rejection hurt you,............instead of your Mom being greateful for you calling her, she wanted you to stay out of her life, and that's GOT to be one of the hardest things anyone can endure!

In this instance, you took a gamble, and it didn't pay off. But you're trying man.......you're trying to recover instead of just ignoring it like so many of us did..........we waited untill our 30's and 40's and 50's to deal with this shit.
 
Adam,

You've stepped back and taken a look at your life over the last few months. You've seen where things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to or the way you expected them to.

You did what you felt you needed to do. It didn't work out, but you learned what doesn't work. When Edison invented the light bulb he tried over and over again till he got it right. You'll do the same because that's the kind of man you are.

You'll get where you want to be, and since you brought it up, it might help to enter a drug treatment program. You may not be a real hard case user, but those things will kill you, buddy. Sorry if I seem a bit pushy here. I just don't want to loose any of my friends here to them.

Lots of love,

John
 
thanks guys ,without you i'd really be lost ,i made a promise to a friend about the meth ,i'm done with it ,funny how none of the promises that were made to us as kids meant anything to the ones making them ,but to me a promise is sacred not to be broken under any circumstances . i cant get better if i do things that make me weak .and i was still hiding from the problems not really facing anything. thanks again adam
 
shadowkid,
I've seen a lot of people I really cared about get caught up with drugs. The people who sell you meth are taking advantage of you just like our perp's did. Don't let them do that to you.
 
Adam, I really identify with what you're saying. I get so frustrated with myself for being so slow at this whole thing. I can't comment on the speed with which you attacked your abuse, but I sure can comment on your courage. You were not going to let it beat you in any way. And you know what? You haven't. No matter how hard it has kicked you when you were down, you have always got back up and gone at it again. You have amazed me every step of the way, even as I hurt for you always and cried for you many times. But there are some people that you just feel are going to beat something out of pure determination if nothing else. You're one of those people, and if I were a betting man, my money would be on you. Bobby
 
My superman complex comes out a lot and like you I wanted to rush into getting on with my recovery. I wanted it fast and I understand why you did too. I think that is why professionals are important, mine helped me pace myself and I thank him today for helping me find my peace. One thing I remember about the therapy that stuck out in my mind is the things he would say to lift me up, he would point out all of the things I had acomplished and he made it a point to tell me, convince me, that I had come a long way, so today I would say that you have come a long way. I know I am new here but from your post I can tell you have.

Great post,
 
Adam,

There is so much of hope in your posts that I hope you will come back and read them and the words others have posted above as you continue on your way to healing. Something in your follow-up struck me:
a promise is sacred not to be broken under any circumstances . i cant get better if i do things that make me weak
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Adam, man, promises made are certainly meant to be kept, and I hope you have made this one to yourself as well as to your friend. I also hope that you will look around your area for any and all resources that will help you keep this promise. But, and this is a big but, if you should slip I hope you will not take it as a sign that your promise is not still good, not still honorable, and cannot still be kept. This kind of promise is for the long haul; it's a war, not one battle. Please make this one about helping yourself and becoming the best possible you, and see it for the long-term project it may turn out to be. Because the truth is that you can continue to get better, even if you sometimes backslide into the things that make you weak, because now you know what those things are, you can never again do them quite so blindly as you might have in the past.

Looking back on what I've just written, I apologize for falling into a "you" voice instead of staying in an "I" voice, so let me come clean and say that this is advice I occasionally have to give myself, too. Like Larry says, we do the things we do, and sometimes that sucks. But if we learn and grow from the things we do, a little later down the road things don't suck nearly so bad.

Peace, man.

John
 
Adam,

I would like to highlight for you something that John has just said - it's so important:

if you should slip I hope you will not take it as a sign that your promise is not still good, not still honorable, and cannot still be kept. This kind of promise is for the long haul; it's a war, not one battle.
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I hope I don't sound unsupportive when I say to you that if you insist on seeing your promises to yourself as absolute you are in for trouble. I am just telling you this based on my own experiences with hard drugs, everything except H.

You didn't develop drug habits in a day and it may be that they won't be ended just through sheer force of will. Drugs will call out to you ever so sweetly when you are in a bad spot, and if you succumb to the temptation it isn't the end of the world. Just get up and keep going. No one will think the worse of you.

I of course hope you do manage to get free of them so suddenly. That will be so great if you do. Just be prepared for things to be rougher than you now imagine, and don't beat yourself up if that happens.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam,

I too want to emphasize again what John said and Larry quoted above. That is so important with the path you are on and the promises you've made to yourself and others. You are important to us, Adam, but more importantly, you are important to yourself and even to a possible family at some point in the future.

Just know that you have a bunch of guys here who love and care about you, even if you do fail at times.

Lots of love,

John
 
thank you all for being who you are it means a lot adam
 
Adam,

It looks to me like you have pretty well identified the problems. One thing however has not changed and I think every member of this board would agree.

We all still care about you and are here for you.

I don't know that I could add anything in the way of advice that has not already been said. So you hang in there because you are worth it.

Love ya

Darrel
 
Adam,

I was saddened to hear how you have struggled. It is corny, but time heals wounds. So, let it go at its own pace. I found that I was rolling, only to be set back, then rolling, then set back. I think that is the nature of healing. As we grow, we see things differently, and learn. We recognize things we didn't before. That takes time. As for changing others, I tried for years. It never worked. I was so angry at my parents, but I realized the lousy job they did was the best they could muster as they were screwed before I arrived on the scene. They are better, but only after years of trying to improve themselves. And, in time, and out of the blue --they apologized for not doing better by me (and they don't even know about the CSA).

You can't peddle all the time, so coast now and again. Take a break, catch your breath, enjoy your new growth, and get back into it at a pace YOU can handle. Otherwise, we just get overwhelmed. It was important for me to understand that healing wasn't being ecstatically happy every minute of every day. It is being happy often, and dealing with the shit when it comes my way (and it always comes my way). That is just life - the good with the bad, and hopefully more good than bad.

I know you are strong and you can do it. You're a Buckeye for god's sake. Our people settled the frontiers of the New World. You got it in you. No matter where you are at, there you are. Let each day find you in its time, and deal with it as it comes. You can't do tomorrow today. All you have is right now. Yet, it is so hard to be patient cuz you wanna get on with your life, but this is your life. So, take it day by day cuz that is how it is delivered on your doorstep every morning - not in bulk.

Hang in there.

John (fellow Buckeye)
 
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