Healing buddy

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Healing buddy
S

sophiesdad

Registrant
I will probably have this posting edited because I don't know if I have crossed the line with posting rules, but I have to say this:

I don't understand you, man. You had a thread perpetuated that alienated the younger members of this forum. YOu ended up saying that you can't trust anyone as to what their age is, who they are, etc and now you want to have people exchange PHONE, ADDRESS and IM information? Doesn't this require a lot of TRUST? Why don't you make up your mind? And why do you constantly have to include possible inflammatory or alienating "zingers" in your postings?

I don't know SQUAT about you because you don't fill the other half of communication.... there are those of us who have spilled our guts out here and when we try to help someone else in need, we may use examples of our lives. That is communication that fosters TRUST. I have yet to see anything of that sort from you other than dissecting others' words and commenting on them.

I have to stop writing now because I'm so angry that my heart is pounding. I just don't know what your purpose or motive for being here is other than to tick people off and alienate other members to the point that they will no longer come to the ONE place that may help them.

SD
 
I came here a year ago, I read the rules and stuff. I know that it is wrong to exchange personal information here, and I grew up to respect rules and stuff.

I do have emails of guys in here, ones who know me for so long, and maybe they trust me, I dont know. But hey, I broke the rules, only because I like their support and maybe they like mine.

As an issue of personal safety, it is not so good to exchange personal information on any casual basis, and that is why the rules are there.

Leave it to the mods to work out.
 
Anyway, here's my idea...maybe people could join each other here and pick buddies to trade information with.
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Hi Soccerkid!

I like your idea. At least, I think the idea of pairing up with buddies can be a good one. Sometimes I wish I had a buddy to pair up with. Like when I'm having a bad day like today. And this morning is a really bad, bad morning!

BUT...I haven't been here long enough to feel comfortable giving out real world information about myself. And because I was the victim of a deranged stalker a few years ago, I may never ever feel like giving out that information--just because I'm very paranoid on that subject. (Even close family members don't have my home phone!)

All the same, I think this is a really good idea. I would volunteer to be your buddy but I don't think you might consider me a good candidate. Usually I post in the gay survivors forum--because I am a gay survivor.

Also, I really like SophiesDad. I respect his opinions a lot. And I respect the opinions of some of the other guys here. But the other day, I wanted to PM you and tell you that I thought many of your ideas were right. I think we should be extra cautious where young people are concerned. To me, it just makes common sense. Maybe you don't always express that very well. Or maybe people have a certain impression of you and can't see beyond that. But I think that's a shame. You seem very sincere to me and have good ideas.

So I like what you are saying. I think everyone here has a different level of trust. It all depends on where they are on their journey. And I have a different level of trust some days depending on what's happening with my PTSD.

But because so many of us do have PTSD and other issues that no one else can understand...the buddy idea might have potential. At least it is worthy of being discussed, IMHO.

Take Care,

Jasper

P.S. If anyone feels uncomfortable because I am gay, please know that I have a partner of many years. The last thing I am looking for is anything along those lines. And as close as I am to my partner, I can't talk about some things with him. I can't even talk to my PTSD therapy group. I can only talk to other male survivors. Which is why the buddy idea might have appeal. But maybe people should be here for a certain length of time first. And maybe young people should be paired up with volunteer moderators. What do you think?
 
Hi again, Zach!

I just wanted to add that the "Healing Buddy" idea could work. But it would have to be a PM thing only. Not just because we are discouraged from giving out personal information until we have known someone for a long time here, but because guys are often in crisis in here. And that makes them vulnerable to people who might come here with bad intentions.

Know what I mean? So a PM buddy system--Yes! But phone numbers? E-Mails? Yikes!!! I'm really not sure about that.

All the best!

Jasper
 
I failed to finish reading sophiesdad's response because it didn't involve the topic at hand but I did read enough to offer one comment:

I am not talking about myself. I have a healing buddy already. My suggestion came purely from my own experience and felt that it was doing me good and that it may do others good as well. The amount of information that you give is completely up to you. Phone numbers etc...don't give them if you don't want. It's not a requirement or anything, just an idea I was throwing out there. I am concerned for everyone's safety, so if you don't feel safe doing it...don't.

Jasper50, I'm happy you like the idea! I haven't been here long enough to give out any information other than my IM name to individuals and only in private, I never give it out in any general discussion. Too paranoid to. IMs are pretty safe the way I look at it. No one can find you with just the IM, it's still on the internet and pretty impersonal but still allows one-on-one communication with someone you DO trust a bit.

I didn't see the rules anywhere regarding adults giving out information...I only saw rules pertaining to teenagers, but maybe I misread it? Where are these rules at?
 
Originally posted by Jasper50:
Know what I mean? So a PM buddy system--Yes! But phone numbers? E-Mails? Yikes!!! I'm really not sure about that.
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That might be a better idea now that I think about it. It's safer...but I do know that some people do have each other's phone #s and that's cool too. I hate the phone and I'm terrible at writing letters, so I just stick to IMs and e-mails. It's easy enough for me and I feel fine doing it. Have had nothing but great stuff from it!
 
Found the rules...they don't seem to support the idea...so maybe new guys shouldn't do it or people with huge trust issues? I think that maybe it would be a better idea to just limit the contact to PMs and IMs at first and only for those who have been here long enough to know people well enough?

Jasper50, I think your idea sounds a lot better.
 
Read:

https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=005143

These are the rules for ALL members.

As for IM: there are numerous security issues with IM and if someone doesn't keep anti-virus and Windows patches up to date, your ID, password and other information on your computer can be hijacked and someone can start going online logged in as YOU. There is also malicious trojanware that can be sent thru IM which can hack into your hard drive and get sensitive information. Furthermore, your address book can then be vulnerable leaving hackers the opportunity to get all of your contact addresses (email and IM).
 
Sophiesdad,

Your assumption is that no one keeps anti-virus software, that everyone is running windows, and that those who do run windows do not update it. These are problems that not only make IM's vulnerable, but everything. No one should be online without those things considering ALL of them can be obtained for free.

The real reason, however, that I came back here to post is to tell you that I tried to PM you but was not able to because you are ignoring me (not a big surprise) but I do not think that this is the forum to discuss personal hatred or to sort out our differences. I was just going to ignore you and all of your posts that attacked me or anyone else, but instead I'm asking you to please unignore me so that we can discuss this all in private, there is no need to bring our personal problems with each other here and letting stuff fester and just arguing is not a good idea. I don't like having people hate me, but if you have a problem with me tell ME not the whole world. I'm sure everyone would agree.

If you do PM me, I will not respond until thursday night. I'm headed out the door to saint louis for my girlfriend's birthday party. It's a long drive and I will be there most of the week. Please, feel free to PM me and we can talk about whatever is bugging you and hopefully get over any disagreements we have about anything.

I look forward to hearing from you.
 
You're unblocked. Write away.
 
I am also astonished at the idea Soccerkid, and I understand why SD is so angry. I respect his feelings on the matter for all the same reasons. But I would like to set something out for you in what I hope will be a plain and constructive fashion. I also hope you will hear me out.

If you look at your postings here, you will see that everything you say is about you: I care about kids, I know, Listen to me, I am an expert, Accept me, Let me tell you what is really going on, Follow me, I have an idea, Look at me, Here is what I have read, I am a poor student, Give me a membership, and so on. Your first post here is illustrative. You have expounded at great length in various contexts about suspected violations of the site's rules and how the rules are important so all of us can keep safe. But it now turns out that these rules don't matter after all (or matter only if you are a teenager). You have pumped that well pretty much dry, and now you have some contrary proposal to offer never mind that it stands some rather fundamental principles of safety and anonymity on their head. You have it all figured out, and it may well be that for you a "healing buddy" system would work out very well. For the sake of that the collective expertise and wisdom of the site's organizers and moderators (which adds up to what?, more than a hundred years of experience) may safely be pitched overboard. But thats not what I am getting at. What makes it all okay is that the idea is yours. But I shudder to imagine how you would have reacted if, say, Charlie had proposed it. You would be clamoring for his head.

The real problem here is that with you it is all one way. You dont share anything or offer a basis for trust, and the only boundaries that matter to you are the ones that suit your interests here and now. Your response to SDs post was pretty predictable. Of course he has addressed you in public the posts he has in mind are scattered all over the public forum. You dont concede that perhaps he has a point. Rather, we are back to you as the victim of hatred, you as the man of reason, you lined up with all people of good faith, and so on and so forth.

By contrast, have a look at what Jasper has written in his response to your idea. He is sharing his vulnerability, his fears, his anxieties and his needs. He lays it on the line. He and I have never spoken, though I have read his posts here and there. When I see what he has said now my first reaction is hey, this is someone of courage, integrity and compassion. I do care that he is gay, but only because knowing that helps me understand where he is coming from and how I might relate to him. This is how trust begins.

Rather than taking my post to bits and posturing as a victim (both classic but barren polemical strategies) you might benefit from taking a few minutes to reflect on this. I think you are burying a lot of anger, fear and deep hurt, and no I am not judging you. Quite the opposite. I can assure you that it is dead easy to throw oneself into academic studies and professional work and turn them into a hiding place littered with publications and other so-called triumphs and accomplishments; I could write the book on that one. You have said on the boards and to me personally in PM that you deeply care for children, and I am sure you think that to be true. But your approach is cold and soulless, as demonstrated repeatedly in the boards in general uncaring comments about children as "things" (or words to that effect), and now in your suggestion that in your buddy system kids would be excluded. (Of course they would safeguards cannot even be discussed. Why would a teenager who cant count the times he has been raped need an adult survivor to talk to?) I cant convince you if you dont want to listen and if you know it all already, and I dont intend to get into a debate here or in PM about this. I do care about you, and it gives me no fiendish pleasure to spend time on a post like this. But I am not the first person to suggest you need to refocus. You get it or you dont, you listen or you dont; its up to you. But if you carry on like this you are headed into decades of unhappiness and will drag down with you a lot of people, including and especially the children who need your help.

Larry
 
all of this animosity really sucks. soccer kids post was just an idea. yeah we can all have our opinions but why does every idea have to lead to personal attacks. in my opinion, the buddy idea wouldnt make me feel safe at this point, giving out my number and such. but PMs, sure. when i came here, i just took it upon myself to PM a couple of people who have come to be a really really important support system for me. so talking and sharing does work. i completely respect SD and everything hes done to help me thru the really crappy times. and i respect everyones opinions, we all have a right to them. but the buddy idea was simply an idea. not everyone has to agree. and disagreements dont have to become personal. everyone deals in their own way. and we are all here for the same reason.
 
Hey guys,

As one survivor of sexual abuse to another, I have to say that what puppy says makes a lot of sense.

We never really know what another guy might be going through. Sometimes something we read might really piss us off; but from where the author is coming from, he's really done good just to show up here that day and write anything about his abuse.

The animosity and such really is a distraction from our main purpose here; which is to overcome the sexual abuse of men and boys.

Don't make things we disagree with personal and don't take things personally, is the advice I was given.

I think it's great to have an exchange of views and to see so many of us really interested in what's the best for Male Survivor. After all, this place, you guys, me and our supporters are a real life-line to people are struggling and may be going down for the third time.

So let's give each other a break; don't make any personal type attacks on each other, OK? Let's do it for the new guy who may be coming here for the first time and get scared away by too much confrontation and bad feelings generated inadvertently by our disputes in public.

Maybe we can all agree to disagree without being disagreeable about it.

Let's all show each other some respect and treat each other with dignity. We've all suffered enough from the disregard of our humanity; we don't want to pass that on, even in defense of our values.

My experience with the 'healing buddy' idea has been mixed. I did make contact with a couple of guys when I first came here.

One of the guys was just great; a lot of help and still is a good bud to this day. We have never met and there has never been anything but respect and support between us.

Around the same time, another guy here and I made contact. This time it was different. Turns out I didn't know this guy as well as I thought I did.

I have a bad habit of misjudging peoples character--I always want to think the best of others because that's what I want for myself.

Anyway, my other 'healing bud' became a difficult situation for me. I'll keep the details to myself. I am fortunate to have a very broad and deep network support and so was able to deal with the problems that ensued, but I wonder if everyone is as lucky as me in that respect.

In any case, I am very proud to be a member of this group and to associate with all of you. I understand the hurt and the pain that is a part of the legacy of sexual abuse, because I feel it too.

Let's be gentle and kind to each other here on the board. We deserve it.

Thanks all for being here and participating. We really are the lucky ones. So many of us never make it here, and go through this all alone.

I'm grateful for all of you today.

Regards,
 
shybear,

i hear what youre saying. freedom of speech is both good and bad. i hear a lot of stuff i dont like or want to hear. but its there i guess. im not a politician and i don tknow what the right thing to say is. really, i just come here because its somewhere i can share my feelings and find support. i respect your right to an opinion. and i respect soccer kids right to an opinion. im a totally flawed person. sometimes my opinions change every day. sometimes im scared to share my opinions because i dont want to be judged. but i guess the bottom line is no one has to agree with anyone. but i do think its good that everyone can freely give their opinions here.
 
The mod team would like to remind everyone of the statement governing behavior on the Discussion Board as specified in the Discussion Board Guidelines:

accept that our guiding principle is to keep the site safe and open to recovery issues for everyone. The primary goal for all of us should be to maintain Restraint and Respect.
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Restraint and Respect means no personal attacks on individuals either on the Discussion Board or in private messages.

Divisive and emotionally charged rhetoric are very exhausting and deplete precious energy that is needed to devote to our primary goal:
to help and support each other in our recovery from the effects of sexual abuse.

Please exercise restraint and show respect to each other.

Any perceived violation of the Discussion Board guidelines should be reported to the Moderator staff. We take all reports very seriously and work very diligently to maintain a safe and effective place for men to recover. It is not easy.

I would ask that in the future all members consider editting their posts that violate the Restraint and Respect rule after you have been notified of that by the moderator staff.

Please, please for the sake of those who are here to work on the all important task of recovery from sexual abuse, drop these personality conflicts and power driven arguments.

They have no place here on the board and will not be tolerated.

We have asked individuals and the group involved in this discussion to refrain from further outbursts of personal attacks, yet they continue.

This thread is being closed as it has strayed far from its original topic and has degenerated into destructive comments that are in clear violation of the Restraint and Respect guideline.

The Moderator staff and Board members are well aware of the current climate on the discussion board. Publicly belittling or attacking other members is not going to make the situation any better and in fact is only adding to problems here.

Remember: Restraint and Respect!

Regards,
 
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