Healing at the core

Healing at the core
E

EGL

Registrant
We all want healing, to feel somewhat whole again, capable of leading a "normal" life, or at least being able to function in the world. I was in therapy last year for 5 months. It did a lot of good, but did not heal me. At times, it was abusive and caused further damage. I tried another therapist a couple of weeks ago, first session went good, I attempted the second one which crumbled and ended the therapy.

I've done a lot of thinking about where I'm heading now. I have come to realize that NO therapist will be able to "heal" me. If you are looking to a therapist to "heal" you, I hope you do not end up disillusioned. There are many people in life who will disappoint you - family, friends, pastors, co-workers, therapists, church members, neighbors, internet acquaintances, the list goes on and on and on. Bottom line is that the ONLY one you can rely on is yourself.

You will not be healed by a therapist, you will not be healed by an internet forum devoted to abuse, you will not be healed by reading a book on the subject. Healing is going to have to begin and end with yourself. I just can't see it coming from any other direction than from within myself and what I choose to call spirituality. I have to make the decision to live my life differently than the bad of crap I was handed.

This has been very liberating, in a way. I no longer feel bound by the expectations of doing A, B, or C to further myself towards recovery. I will do what feels right to ME, to make ME feel like I am living again. I am tired of living the life of a wounded animal, tired of feeling second class. My recovery starts and ends with me. We hold our destinies in our hands, men - what we will be from this day forward until we exhale our last breathe on our beds as old men. I refuse to rely on anyone to control that for me any longer. Not my family, friends, pastor, therapist, forumites, co-workers, no one. I'm moving on.
 
EGL; Well said.

Healing to me is a strang word. I really do not think I will ever heal. It is there like a scar and is a part of what makes me me, if you know what I mean. What I have learned to do, with help and on my own, is to recognize that the values, beliefs and emotions around the scar were pushed on my by others and were never mine. I just accepted them and lived the lie. I have learned, for the most part, to change those items to the extent that the scar is not going to inlfuence the future because that is where I am going to spend the rest of my life.
 
The road to recovery is as solitary as our life journey is.

And it begins with realising that our core DOESN'T need healing. It as pure as ever.

Healing for me, is simply connecting with that core. and hence allowing the darkness to dissipate. And the speed of which solely depends on what we focus on. Darkness or light.

Once we connect with all the parts with us without judgement, we are whole again, we are healed.

Self love is loving that light in us. It is the means and the end of our journey.
 
I agree that the only person who can heal me is me. However, I know that I can't live in a vacuum. I need some indication, some mirroring, some feedback on what the "normal" world is really like, how other men deal with this, and what suggestions they've found useful.

For me, the best therapist is one who listens a lot and lets me go where I need to go. But occasionally, I get incredibly obsessed with this weed in my front yard just so I can ignore the fact that my house is on fire. I need a therapist that will say, "Pardon me, but your house is on fire. Do you want to talk about that?" Or as my therapist says, "Is this what you need to talk about today?" And I think, I don't want to talk about my flaming house, so that must be important. I need that soft nudge.

I had some bad therapists, but I finally found a good one. I've talked to him for 11 years now. Sometimes he made me so mad I quit for 3 months, but then I'd go back and do harder, better work than before. I cooperated with him because I wanted to get well, and obviously I couldn't do that completely on my own or I already would have.

I'm tired of being wounded, too. I just can't ignore this gaping hole in my side in the hopes that nobody, including me, will notice. I hope that doesn't sound rough or blunt, because that's not how I intend it at all. I hope you won't give up on the search for help. There are a few people out there, including here, that won't disappoint you. We're here for you. It's a matter of, not trusting 100%, but trusting maybe 15%.

Hang on. I hope you find the healing you're looking for.
 
Eddie,

I'm learning firsthand that everything you just wrote is true. It is totally up to us to take care of ourselves and our needs. We are no longer victims at the hands of others.

I may be alone when this is all over, but I am determined that at least I'll be a happy loner!
 
I get incredibly obsessed with this weed in my front yard just so I can ignore the fact that my house is on fire.

I'm tired of being wounded, too. I just can't ignore this gaping hole in my side in the hopes that nobody, including me, will notice.
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Somewhere between the two lies the balance of healing journey. Thank you for putting it so bluntly.
 
EGL,

it is good points you make. I think some people will come here, find this site, and be so relieved that they are not alone, that they have found support, that they get the endorphin rush. And they think that this site is going to heal them. Or that the therapy, or the medications, or the books.

None of that is true. We heal ourselves. We can gain great support by this site, the people here, friends, loved ones, others in our lives. We can learn more with the books, and again, this site. We can be guided in a positive direction by someone who knows how to do just that. But if we do not do it for ourselves, it is not going to happen with all that.

It is like to lose weight. You can join a group. You can join a gym. You can buy some equipment for your home. Unless you DO something with it all, it is pointless.

Leosha
 
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