healing and terror

healing and terror
J

jwh

Registrant
I haven't written anything here for a long time, like a year and a half maybe. I have been healing through group therapy with other male survivors and I have made quite a bit of progress. I am learning to take care of the little boy inside of me who was raped and otherwise sexually abused. He was only eight.

The thing is, though, now that I am really listening to that little boy, I'm suffering from a lot of terror. I don't know when it's going to come, but it usually comes either when I wake up in the morning or in the middle of the night (when I have been adrift in my unconscious mind through dreams) or when I am triggered by something. The terror is horrible. It's hard to even talk about sometimes.

I have drawn pictures (very childlike drawing, I have no drawing skills) when I have been in touch with memories of being raped and just looking at them now can start me to hyperventilating. I have found that one of the most challenging things for me, in terms of the terror, has been truly talking to the little boy inside of me and telling him "I believe you." For so long I held out, despite at least one concrete memory of being sexually abused my perpetrator, on truly believing that that happened to me. I mean, sure, I admitted it in group, but then I would leave group and go about the rest of my week with the abuse shoved to the back of my mind.

In most of my spare moments I would go out to CD stores buying just to buy CDs, buying more used CDs than I could possibly listen to or be interested in, telling myself it was better than drinking or watching porn videos obsessively as I used to do. Unfortunately, it was still acting out, and I don't want to keep doing that because it just hides the terror away, prolonging my experience of it. But god, the terror is awful! Even when I'm not consciously feeling terrified it comes out in backaches and awful body memories of my rear end being forced open by him. It also comes out in breaking out--I have quite a few sores.

I've struggled with anxiety for years and I am still on Paxil and a very low dose of Clonopin, but I know that this terror will not be resolved with medication. I'm feeling shivers up and down my back just writing this.

I've decided to get back on this newsgroup actively rather than act out with used CDs. I'd appreciate any replies.

Jeff
 
Hey JWH:

Good to hear from you and I hope you will keep in touch more here; it is better than acting out.

Still, nothing wrong with listening to good CD's. Check out some of the good survivor songs in the Music forum.

Of course I say this as someone who is obsessive compulsive (OCD) and like you would prefer obsessing with music over drugs, acting out sexually, even overeating which I still have a problem with. Certainly its better not to be too obsessive with anything.

Glad to hear you're doing group therapy and taking care of your inner child more; I'm working on that myself tho not in group therapy, not yet anyway tho I've thot about it.

Often therapy, remembering, facing the SA, brings up the pain we've buried thru suppression, dissociation, depersonalization, acting out, obsessions, and other things. It can really hurt & get us down. But at least for me facing & feeling the pain has been better than trying to bury it only to have it pop up all over in my life in my physical & emotional health.

Keeping drawing & taking care of yourself & your little boy, JWH. Hope you sleep well.

Victor
 
Thanks, Victor--that message helped. It does help to know that I am working through things and that others out there are too.
 
!!! Trigger Warning !!!

jwh, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I feel I can directly relate to what you have shared.

Terror, Lord can I relate to that. Soaked 2 the bones in Utter & complete terror. Waking up feeling like some thing IN my butt, AAAAARRRRRRRHHHHH!!! That is unbelievablly bad. There are no words to adequately discribe "that"!

And trying (wishing) not to believe in myself, even though I have CLEAR memories of "it", has been hard. Like...I wish I had made "it" up. So then I'd just be crazy. And that seems less awful than this.

TAKE CARE....
 
JWH
Nice to meet you Jeff.

Thanks for your post. Terror I understand. When I started down the road to freedom I had nighmares continually for three years. I would wake up still in the dream covered with sweat and my heart pounding. They are very infrequent now. I think, in my case, my subconscious was getting rid of the porn in my dead. At dirty bood so to speak.

Now you talk about obsessive compulsive behavior. I had bulimia and the opposite anorexia until January of this year. I was afraid of having the body I had whent the SA and hustling took place so man years ago.

It is funny but when I decided to go to a health club both of those behaviours dissappeared.

I am a card carrying charter member of AA for 26 years and what a compuslion that was. But as I get older I find that it is kind of nice to smeel the flowers and do stuff with friends and family and just relax

As you move down the road we are on you will find that the bumps sort of even out.

My main suggestion is to be gentle with yourself and relax on the road. You will know when the light is shining brightly for you. Remeber if you do not accept the past as fact and do not change your beliefs and emotions about the past the SA will continue to influence the future. And it is in the future where you are going to spend the rest of your life
 
Jeff - Im glad you're back! Happy that you found a group of men you could feel close to - flesh and blood! I too am glad for this place. Porn sites call my name all the time. A place to run to and hide; numb against the horrible thoughts and feelings! I find that I really prefer to be here than any other places. I have found here good, sensible and caring responses that help. My wife and sons tell me they can see changes in me...I have no clue what they see nor can I understand when they explain..but it happened after I started here.

As for the terror, I suffer the opposite. No feelings - dissociate like a pro! This doesn't happen often anymore...I think??!! Terror or panic is chemically driven, I believe. I'll ask some colleagues advice but I'm sure you have hundreds of suggestions from dealing with this over the years.Realize - you are not alone and TODAY you are safe!!

Keep the faith Jeff...if I can help, just let me know!!

Howard
 
I identify with a very particular part of your post: the part thsat shows that acting out can take forms other than sexual.

I have played that online scrabble game obsessively for the last couple of weeks. I feel just as though I was cruising or obsessively looking at porn.

It is a distraction. Anything to get my mind off how horrible things feel when I feel them. And when they are not horrible, they are unbelievably boring. What a treat.

Thank you for echoing what I have been feeling lately. I hope none of us has to wake in the middle of the night, ever again. We all deserve better.

Peace,
Jamie
 
Jeff
the morning terrors still get to me, almost every morning I feel panicky untill I get to work and some distraction takes over. At the weekends I get into doing something as soon as I can, make breakfast - load the dishwasher, anything like that usually clears it.

Feeling that something is going on that affects me and having no control over it also does it. It happened a couple of hours ago when somebody made a big decision that affects me a lot without asking me.
It's not going to kill me to do this thing, and I would have almost certainly said yes, because I understand why they've done it.
It's having the control taken away that sends me into a panic attack.

A few years back I would have dissociated, just like Howard. And that would have led to acting out with strangers. Or more recently I do get a bit obsessive about other things like yourself and Jamie mention.

Perhaps it's a weaning off process, and buying CD's or playing endless computor games is just a part of that ? Hell - it's better than cottageing !!

Dave
 
Man, you guys are great. It is so validating to hear about your similar experiences. I know exactly the horrible feeling of waking up and feeling like something is inside of my rear end, how out of control that feels, as well as the feeling of being out of control unless I'm doing something, as well as feeling someone is out to get me when there is a big decision made that affects me (I get very paranoid inside). And I know about the night sweats--it's very bizarre to wake up soaked with both my side of the bed and my wife's side soaked with sweat!

I feel I'm definitely in the right place here.

Jeff
 
I am new person here, I do not know that I can say anything of help. But I have the respect for you, that you can listen to that person inside who was hurt, and be kind, not judge. Right now, I am almost all feeling like I am horrible, dirty person, very bad and at the fault. But there is little bit inside that tells me it is not on my fault, it is his. And I am so in terror of this, of how it makes me feel, that I push that thing or voice out, and tell myself to not listen to that, because it is so easier for me to believe such worse of myself. You are not being mean to that truth in you, you are allowing it to speak. That is something strong and good, and that is something that you should be proud in. I am glad that you come back here as you need to.
 
I have been having anxiety and speech problems too since the last group session. I thought talking about things would help, but it brings stuff out and then it won't go away.
 
MrEdd

Quote: "I thought talking about things would help, but it brings stuff out and then it won't go away."

That is such a simple truth. But yet, I have found that in the long run, it IS better to talk about "IT". Even-though, in the short term, it is quite painful/uncomfortable/scary, etc.

And thinking about "it" IS bad. Especially when u can't get those thoughts out of ur head.

Yet, in my own experience, I think talking and thinking about "it" helped me to process what happened & how "it" effects me in the present.

Looking back, I realize how Not talking, & trying to not think about what might lay in the shadows of my mind & memory, really hurt me.

I have to write, talk & share my experiences with others. The more I do, the better I'll be.
That said, it is still hard to tell those secretes, even here. Hard to break those habbits that I had convinced myself was keeping me safe & strong.

Though it was not ur intention, I still wish to Thank you for reminding of what I have to do.

Blacken............
 
That is such a simple truth. But yet, I have found that in the long run, it IS better to talk about "IT". Even-though, in the short term, it is quite painful/uncomfortable/scary, etc.

And thinking about "it" IS bad. Especially when u can't get those thoughts out of ur head.
Click to expand...
I think too damn much. Thinking about it will drive me mad. The times when I can't get my mind off it are the worst.

Talking about it helps a lot more. I think too much when I'm writing (too bad it doesn't show, right?), even writing here or in my own notebooks. But when I get to the SIA meeting and get a chance to talk out loud, I try not to rehearse, I just ramble. I get stuff out that I didn't realize was in me.

Thanks,

Joe
 
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