Heading is Spinning So Fast

[KMCINVA]

I fell asleep early and woke up screaming, I could see him and feel his hands on my shoulders. He would always begin at the shoulders and then move where ever he desired. I was shaking and it was so real. I am still unnerved thinking tonight I would have a good nights sleep, I am so exhausted. I am afraid to close my eyes for he will return. I keep having terrible thoughts running through my head, I see and hear things I do not want to see or hear. He is everywhere and I see the children around laughing pointing fingers as I collapse on the other side of the door. I am seeing the big brown door to the cellar and the door to the office. Two doors to destruction, my end and only end. The priest laughs as he holds me in the cellar as we are both on the other side of the door on the dark floor. I am looking out the transom windows as I lay there and him on top of me. The office door, glass and transparent so I can see the children laugh, my face dripping from spit and grease embedded in my clothes and hair, one holding the container that contained the vile liquid as did the stoup hold the holy water he would spray to cleanse my soul. The holy water thrown on me to wipe the sins, is the spit and grease the sign that I am unholy and the holy water has not cleansed. Am I doomed to hell because of what Father and I did in the Church cellar. Did I desecrate God's church because of what we did many times in his holy sanctuary. My home desecrated because I brought Father into the home in my mind and thoughts. The children and ex used their powers to bring Father in whenever they desired to taunt and beat me down. Have I destroyed because I gave into my child's whims with Father and allowing the family to trigger the thoughts of Father.

I am scared because I see it all coming to an end. I see me struggling up the rocky floor to the transom window and then flashing back and forth toward the large window in the office. Jumping through both covered in blood and falling to the ground, motionless. I see a smile on my face as lay outside the church and on the side of my home. I am at peace at last. I see people around, Father standing over me, blessing me and forgiving me for my sin of the flesh. I see the children without expressions, staring and the police asking what had been done to drive me to jump through the window. I do not feel sad I just see me at peace at last. Father is standing and all are around him saying this poor child must have had the devil in him. The children are not children but adults who only say they do not know what drove me to jump.

I am now looking down shaking my head, the people who drove the child to jump the windows all pretend to be shocked. I do not know how I died from the transom windows because the windows touched the outside ground, it must have been the glass that pierced my body and allowed the blood to gush and the window in the office not high maybe 12 feet above, maybe the neck was broken or the blood could not be stopped. I only know I saw an image leaving both bodies and becoming one as they made their way into the sky. Peace at last. This is all I want.

These thoughts have been running through my mind, I cannot stop them. I know I cannot go on like this much longer. I have desecrated my body and soul for what I did in the Church with Father. He has been with me for a lifetime. The children and ex knew must have come into my life to finish the job of destroying me. They knew and used their power of guilt, abandonment and lies to bring him into my life and not allow him to leave.

I guess it was meant to be, the first time we touched in the Church cellar was the beginning of the end. I just held on longer than he thought and I fought as valiantly as I could the derisions that the family threw with accuracy and might for over a decade until the mind and heart could no longer take.

Help can it exist or is just something that is imaginary. For the pain and voices and visions I keep seeing are real to me. I need to leave this room for now, a drive somewhere is what I will do,maybe clear the head or take me on my final way.

I am so exhausted thinking straight is not meant to be. Is this how my life was to end, Father and children and ex all banding together to let him take my mind and soul. Maybe it is fate that brought them all into my life for the same purpose. Father to ravish the soul with his body and the family with their assaults, all sharing one common thread, denial for what they have done. Well I need to leave this room before Father and the others return because they will have their way with me.

 

[KMCINVA]

I ended up at an all night diner. I sat there and some people talked to me. Just some light conversation. People were nice and it helped take my mind off some of the bad things that had happened to me. Many were either getting off a late shift at work or could not sleep. One woman says she comes nightly for coffee and to talk to people. She said people at the late hours are nicer than the ones she meets during the day. I had a cup of tea and when asked what brought me here. I just said I could not sleep, I knew I was partially telling the truth and partially holding back. I was there about three hours. I felt more collected but have not been to sleep. I cannot sleep.

I called a friend this morning and we are meeting tonight. I also called the guy I spoke with NYE who had been in support for suicide. He was good and helped me get some focus. He says I need sleep and without sleep I will not be able to think clearly about everything. He asked if I wanted to go to one of his support groups. I said I would let him know. I talked to someone at work who knows my past but did not say anything about what I was thinking or saw last night. She asked about my friend and I told her the joy she brought for the few days. I said I missed that and she said I need to have someone here for the on-going companionship. She said I am a good person and just got dealt a rotten hand in life. She gave me a big hug and I felt better. She asked if the kids called over the holidays,I said no and she mumbled some words I will not repeat.

I still think of what I saw last night in my mind. Everything seemed so real, my child body and adult body lying on the ground in two different places, each one connected with the abuse, either the actual abuse or the flood of triggers that put the flashbacks and nightmares into play. But both looked so peaceful. Why is peace so hard to find?

I am here but hardly functioning. I need sleep.

 

[Logan]

You do need to sleep Kevin.

I too suffer from Nightmares that are also like flashbacks in many ways. When I have one I will always wake up in a panic. some time i will be crying ing, or I will wake up because I hear creaming and the realize that the person that is screaming is me, or sometimes I will be almost 100% sure that it just happened and I will goto the bathroom to wipe and make sure that I am not bleeding.

My nightmare ebb and flow, meaning that they go away for months at a time and then for a few weeks out of the year I will have them and they will be quite intense.

Maybe some medication would help. I take Seroquel at night time to help me sleep and it works wonders for me because I usually have dreamless sleep.
another option that you could try is benadryl (Dyphenhydramine HCL) it is over the counter and that also knocks me out.
I hope that I do not need to stress to you the importance of sleep because it is crucial not just to basic functioning but also to feeling well.

Please consider speaking to a doctor about your inability to sleep, it really is that important!

Take care,
Logan

 

[Nothing Man]

Kevin:

I can only echo what Logan so wisely says. Sleep is absolutely vital to both your physical and mental health. Please seek help from a physician. It is absolutely vital.

(((Kevin))) please take care of yourself and know that you are supported here.

Mike

 

[KMCINVA]

Mike

Thanks. Sleep I have taken medication in the past. The only one that knocked me out was seroquel. I could not wake up, I would find myself sleeping 24 hours and waking up exhausted. I would fall asleep. The flashbacks and memories did subside but never were gone.

Benadryl and any cold medication has the opposite effect on me. My stomach churns and I become hyper. I have difficulties with medications. When I had syncope it took the doctor months to find a mixture that worked. What worked for most did not work for me, he began to experiment. Medication most take to lower blood pressure stabilized mine. He said he had not clue why.

I just need to forget about everything. But being exhausted it all meshes together. I see the abuse too vividly, I am in two places the Church cellar and the home. Each and everyone there is laughing get jollies out of my pain.

I am still standing but find myself lost and wandering during the day.

 

[Michael1965]

Kevin

I take Trazadone 100 mg each night. I sleep a solid 6 hours with no dreams and am wide awake with no drowsiness. It works on anxiety as well as sleep. It has worked well for me. It maybe worth talking to your doctor about.

Mike

 

[KMCINVA]

Mike

Thank you. Unfortunately Trazadone has the effect of lowering blood pressure to abnormal levels, dizziness and in some cases syncope. I have low blood pressure and in the past have suffered syncope and the blood pressure on it own drops to dangerous levels. The doctor had mentioned it in the past and then I ask about side effects and once low blood pressure, dizziness and fainting is mentioned, it is not an option. We know the syncope, a reaction to the trauma, occurs when the vasovagal nerve is impacted--this nerve is located in what is believed to be the trauma center of the brain. I have some chemical or hormonal issue from the trauma that appears to trigger easier than it does for others. Dissociation which I also suffer from occurs from stress or trauma. It has some relationship to PTSD. The stress releases chemicals and hormones that may result in the dissociation.

Why the low blood pressure has not been connected except they know it can occur when someone is in shock.

I become limited on what I can take because of these issues. I am not one who responds well to medications. That is my problem. I once took codeine and it knocked me out but I had horrific nightmares.

I have tried natural remedies but they do not work.

I just met someone and we talked. The reaction when seen was are you alright. I am walking with bags under my eyes but am able to have a somewhat conversation. We were at a small coffee shop. The person has heard the stories circulating by family from a very convoluted route--somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody. The person had told me what had been said. Amazing how small the world really is.

We were talking and I lost it. I started to cry, exhaustion at work and all I could was think of the abuse and triggers. They are one these days. I had no sense anyone else was there but there were others. I was so sad my friend said and doesn't understand why some people are so mean and cruel. I said I do not care it is all gone and they can live with what they have done to me. The person said stop it, you are very valuable,you are kind, you listen and blah blah blah. It does not sink in.

 

[KMCINVA]

I need to get away. I am talking to myself and someone asked did I say I wanted to die. I so freaking tired. I do not know what I am doing or saying. I did not realize I was talking to myself in the main office area. I have to get away,too much to handle right now. If I could sleep it would be so much better I think. I cannot let anyone hurt me anymore. They have done too much to kill me. I do not even know what I was thinking about when I was talking to myself. They have succeeded. My heart is so heavy, my insides shiver, my head feels like it is crushing. I shouldn't be like this. I have talked with friends and they look at me with so much concern, I do not want pity, I just want to feel like I can live I do not know if I have it in me anymore.

I need to vent--I cried most of the day. Sometimes I feel better after and other times more drained. I try to write with a pen and I cannot make letters, it shakes and the wrist is weak. I hate living like this, it is too much. When I talk my voice quivers, a friend said they can hear my hurt in my voice. Sorry just have to get it out.

I am suppose to meet people tomorrow for business and I look like hell and I cannot focus to get the materials together. I just want to feel good.

My eyes are so heavy but if I shut I see all that was done to me. It goes from childhood to adulthood. He is there and those who brought him back. Why would anyone want to bring him back to me? Is it God's way to punish me for desecrating sacred space by doing what we did in the Church? I did not want to do it, but some people don't believe me. He hurt me so bad, he put things in me, he had the older boy do it to me, I was just a good boy, I tried so hard to be good. I wanted to be an altar boy and look I disgraced all the other altar boys with what I did. I cannot stop crying. Why do people lie about what happened, why cant they tell what he did to me. He hurt me so badly. I have never felt this bad about what he did to me. I can feel the part of me he hurt and it hurts bad. I want it to end. I never want see or talk to him or any people who brought him to me over and over. It is killing me. I am so sorry to put through having to deal with me

 

[Nothing Man]

s it God's way to punish me for desecrating sacred space by doing what we did in the Church? I did not want to do it, but some people don't believe me. He hurt me so bad, he put things in me, he had the older boy do it to me, I was just a good boy, I tried so hard to be good. I wanted to be an altar boy and look I disgraced all the other altar boys with what I did.

Kevin

(((((HUGS)))))

You did not do anything wrong. You did not desecrate any sacred spaces, or any other kind of spaces. He did. You were his victim and you had no choice but to comply with what he forced upon you. You were a good boy, and you are a good man. That POS disguised as a holy man inflicted great harm on you, and he knew what he was doing all along. You are entirely blameless. PLEASE remember that kids cannot consent, they can only comply.

Lots of people here, including me, believe you. I know he did it and I know he is guilty, not you. You did not disgrace anyone or anything -- he did. Not you.

You are absolutely worth "dealing" with. You are a good man and you were a good boy who was done horribly, horribly wrong by a pervert who thought only of himself and not of the young person he was injuring. We are here for you.

Please, Kevin, seek help. I am so worried about you. I am on your side.

Mike

 

[SmartShadow]

So Kevin, we have not had any real interaction but I have been here for a while now. You have seen here from time to time I supect. So if you would alow me to call you a friend, and I am, you have been through hell and have not been able to sleep. It's no wonder why you are experancing this. And I beleave you can get to a better place soon and get the rest you need.

As for work, it sounds like you have a good job and work with reasonable people.
Could you take some time off just to get in a better place? You know what's avalable to you, do you have a T you are working with on this stuff?

So aside from the mechanics of how you go about this it seams like you can't sleep and the thoughts / conflicts are eating your lunch.

Your sleep has been thwarted by the thoughts, dreams, memories and fractured thinking, if I am understand you correctly. You can't find any medication to help so reducing the conflict may be a solution.

The things I hear you talk about is how you feel you took part in desecrating a sacred place and how people you loved and trusted brought your abuser back in your life to destroy you. Let's talk about this. The thems and feelings are yours and real to you and that's ok but if I may I have some thoughts about this.

So if you want to chat through PM. I am open to that. But let me just say this,

"you did not desecrate anything"

"you were the ones who were desecrated"

But there is a way out of this and I will pray for this for you.

God does not blame you.

You are not alone. We are with you in this. You can get through this.

 

[KMCINVA]

Mike

Tell my kids, they have basically told me abuse is bullshit and it does not have any effect and tells me it was all my fault I wanted. I have heard their stories to others that they have told as well as my ex's family, they think I have not heard, so coy and believing being taunted, attacked does not impact someone who cried and cried themselves to sleep as a child who prayed die for so long seeing him on top of me. I just wanted out. My poor brother, dead because I was so silent. I did not protect like an older brother should have protected him. He is dead because of me. He had to be hurt because of me. Why did I ever say I did not want to do it anymore, if I hadn't he would be alive. I want to see him and tell him I am sorry I did not protect him. I cannot stop crying, I hurt so much.

I remember my blue pants I use to wear, school uniform. I would deliberately fall so there would be a hole in the knee--maybe Mom would throw them out,no one of those ironed patches went on the pants. I felt him on those pants for so long every day. I felt him every time I took them off and would hm putting it in me. I cannot do this anymore I got to go.

I know so many people are here for me, but I did was wrong, I let it happen and my brother never had a life because of me. My kids are right I must have allowed it to happen, they told I must have wanted it and their mission was to make sure he destroyed, he is finishing me off. I am ready,just take.I am so sorry you are the only people I can tell everything. I have told friends some but the intimate parts of what he did I can never tell. My family has told me it is bullshit and they know, because they truly believe they know. I am so sorry to be a burden, soon I will not.

Always remember you were part of my family. Those who I thought proved they are not

 

[Michael1965]

Kevin

I am very worried about you. You were absolutely blameless. Please contact your T, family doctor or call your local hospital. The sleep depravation is hard at work and is adding undo stress and blame. Again, you were blameless in all of this. It is very terrible what your children are doing to you. The abuse was real and the long lasting effects are real as well. We believe you and know that you are telling the truth!

Please seek some help Kevin!

((((Kevin))))

Mike

 

[sorryson]

Kevin Please take care of yourself. Do not let the bastards destroy you. That is what they want. We are praying here. Mama has the rosary out and is crying saying I did that to your (my) Dad. She will regret it Mama said, does she want to bury a child like she nearly buried her son because of her bitterness and the control of her family. Mama says for her to get help. Your children are bastards like my sister, brother and I were. My sister is the only one who had the guts to be honest and found Dad. Do not let them take you, the priest has done enough damage and now your children and ex and her family. Tell them go to a PAS family and they will find many families like themselves.

I am worried. Please let me know what I can do. You can't be more that 2 to 3 hours away. I will come get you. I know you have friends but just in case know we are here. I do not like the way you are sounding. You did not kill your brother, you were a child like we all were when we were abused. You did not know better. The priest brainwashed you into believing you would be blamed. None of it was your fault. You are mixing what he did with what your family did and it exploding. Dad's wife said Dad did the same for so long. He filed bankruptcy and rebuilt his life. Mama was furious but Mama and her family and us were the one's who drove Dad into the ground. It is not your fault, any of it.

Do not give a rat's ass what your children believe, they are ignorant and they have learned from the family the follow. We did and Mama's family had more issues then they would ever admit including being high and mighty, know it alls. A true sign of ignorance. Their teasing of Mama was a sigh of their weakness and need to control. Anyone that makes up stories to make others look stupid are the stupid ones. Mama's family was notorious for that against Mama.

Kevin please let us know how you are. You are good and a kind person. Remember you have helped many and your abuser and family has helped no one but themselves. Get some sleep you are not able to think straight when so tired. I am so sorry for the nightmares you are having. Mike is right, call the hospital or a hotline. Do not let them take you away from you. They have their own mental illnesses or issues like we did.

You sound like me before my breakdown. Get help, call me or anyone. Just do not be alone. Anyone who says you have not suffered this abuse does not understand because they cannot see it or feel it in your words and emotions and support of all of us. We know they do not know--and that is ignorance.

My friend you are loved and respected here, we cherish you words and all you have given. Rest my friend, sleep and start thinking of yourself and not what others have done to you.

Paul

 

[bey]

Hey man,
Go to the hospital. They can help you sleep, you can get a break from all the thoughts and feelings. I've gone many times, lots of us have. it can all go away for a while and you can get a break.
Ben

 

[Nothing Man]

Kevin

You have a right to tell your truth and to be believed. We here on MS believe you and know that what happened has undeniable effects on us as we grow older.

But more importantly, with respect to your brother, you were just a kid. Kids are not capable of making adult decisions. You bear no fault for your brother. Those who hurt him and abused him do, not you.

Please go to your local hospital and tell them what is happening to you. I agree with Bey on this. You deserve help and rest and sleep and peace. The hospital is a good place to start. Please seek help.

I am on your side, Kevin.

Mike

 

[woodenshoes]

Kevin

Paul,ben,mike and myself care. You know we are here for you and believe in you. You must look after you now. That is most important.

Ws

 

[KMCINVA]

I know you are there, just I cannot find me. I realized this today. I struggled to get ready for meetings with two possible clients today. I was dressed suit and all. A friend at work who knows some of my troubles came into my office and she said you cannot go looking like that. I had a nice suit and tie on. She said not your clothes. Your eyes are so black underneath and your hair is wild. She said take the glasses off, she pulled something out of her bag. I said what is that, and she just said something not to make you look like the walking dead. She put some stuff under my eyes. Then pulled out hair gel and said, she thought only little boys had cowlicks. I have two. She did her magic. She turned to me and said I hate to see you so hurt. She started to cry and I said please don't I have cried so much over the past weeks. She grabbed me a gave me a big hug. She told me people are asking what is wrong with me. They miss your loud and happy good morning how is everyone doing. I said I don't have it in me and she said she misses her friend and the laughs. I said I cannot find him, he is lost in me somewhere. I told her I do not want anyone to be sad because of me. She said we are sad because I look so lost and my smile is gone and my eyes are a stare. I said I would try. She said kill them today.

I struggled through, the first one a decision will not be made until next week and the second went well, a small deal. Even then I had to struggle to seem excited when I got it. Nothing has meaning anymore. The joy has been ripped out of my life. I really did not care what they said, yes or no. I have no concern for money or material things. If everything is gone tomorrow I would not care, because I do not care today. I guess I am struggling to have the basic, a small level of joy.

Thank you for everything, your support and words mean much even though I may not show it, I am so appreciative.

I do not want anyone to be sad because of me.

 

[Logan]

But Kevin that is just the thing... we are sad for you because we care about you!!!

I know that I am worried about it and it is because we recognize you as a fellow brother in healing and our concern is not baseless.
We are worried about you because you are one of us and when one of us hurts, we all do to some extent.

Please, goto a hospital. I echo what ben said and I have also gone to a hospital.

The last time i went was when my mother's boyfriend beat me up and I am so afraid of violence that it just about near broke me and I became a recluse not leaving my apartment for 3 weeks. I also did not speak to him for 18 months.

The only reason that some suggest this is because it has helped us so we know from personal experience and we simply want to help you.
We all care about you and that is why we are so concerned and worried.

This attrition of wearing yourself down by sleep deprivation is not only very serious but it's no wonder that you feel so bad.

We all need sleep!!! If anyone of use was getting as little sleep as you are then I pretty sure that we too would feel just as drained physical and just as bad emotionally.

Please just consider going to a hospital. I am pretty sure that your not the 1st person that they have dealt with that has low blood pressure.

Perhaps if you just called up your local Emergency Room, then you could understand that it really isn't that big of a deal.


(((((Kevin)))))

Please take care of you, for you and us. we don't like to see a ffellow brothing suffering in pain.

Logan

 

[Bluedogone]

Kevin,

PLEASE, listen to Logan.

Whether we are sad or not should be very low priority on your list. You need to do something about YOU. The eyes really are the window on your soul. They only show what you are physically going through. And it can't be good for your health.

It's great to be a martyr for a cause, for work, or whatever, but the truth is you need to get some sleep if you are ever to get out of this deep depression. Even though it's tragic that your brother died much too young, your continually losing sleep over that won't change that fact. As you said, material things don't matter one way or the other, so why try to put a brave face on and soldier on, to show up at work? You need to think of yourself. You need to give a damn about YOU.
{{{KEVIN}}}

 

[SmartShadow]

(((Kevin)))

I think Logan's echo about getting yourself some help to sleep makes good sense. The ER is often more versed in helping to get you something that will work. Even if it's just for a needed reprieve.

I deal with losing my self a lot. I really can relate. I have learned that even in the most extreme out of sorts I will come back to myself in due time. Sleeps got to be the first step in this. You are still there, please help yourself.

Thanks for checking in with us. I can't stop thinking about how you are doing.

We all care and hope you get some help soon,

Mike