He won’t get help

[Lost&Alone]

Hi all, my husband was abused by his brother as a child. Since we have been together he has finally felt able to face it but he was not believed by family and they are no longer in his life. He does not believe in therapy and can only talk about feelings when he’s had a lot to drink. I guess I’m wondering if he is ever likely to want to work through the trauma, it happened 25 years ago, we have been together for 10 years and have a son of our own. He is amazing with our son, will change nappies, put him to bed etc but he will not bath him, I guess I worry if there’s something in it.

I also was a victim of sexual abuse but have been through therapy (as a teenager but also in more therapy now as things have happened since that have brought things back so working through them, I can’t talk to my husband, he would be repulsed) we also have very different libido’s, I was on the pill which completely removed my libido but since coming off it mine has returned with a vengeance, I’m like a teenager again, for the 2 weeks between my period and ovulation I want it almost daily, he is happy with once a month…..so it’s difficult to manage.

Advice needed.

 

[P1nky]

It took me almost 35 years to admit that I needed some kind of therapy, which only happened when something else happened. In that time I told my wife some very vague summary details, but that was all.
I would suggest that you be there for him, and he may eventually decide to seek professional help. Until then, I honestly do not think persuasion will work.
As for the difference in libido, we are the opposite - my wife has nearly none, while I can become positively feral at times. Being open with each other, and actively finding a middle ground helps (in our case, she accepts that I may want to "take care of myself", and sometimes assists.)

 

[GaD3!]

It is not unusual for some survivors to have issues with taking care of some of the personal care of an infant. I have heard of this being the case for others also. Possibly bathing your son is triggering for him. Personally I would not worry about it, rather just accept. If he is changing diapers and putting him to bed etc. and as you say he is "amazing" with your son, be thankful for that, not all men are that way. He sounds like he is a good father even though he does not feel comfortable bathing your little one.

Ideally he would get into therapy. That is a personal choice and one he has to make, hopefully in time he will. All you can do is try to be supportive. I am not saying you need to be his therapist.. I am a bit concerned about his drinking. Hopefully this does not become an issue. If this is a concern check into Al anon, I just checked they are in the UK.

As far as the libido issue goes it may be difficult, but possibly you both can talk about this and come to some sort of solution. Communication in the bedroom is important. I know you are in therapy to deal with your abuse, but possibly you could also mention this issue and get some advice or insight.

I truly wish all of you well and enjoy your precious little boy!- They grow quickly.

 

[George]

I understand him not wanting to go to therapy at this point, but he's at least told you so that's a huge first step. Maybe he'd be interested in this website, to see that he's not alone, that others have been dealing with the same kinds of abuse and that he'd be welcomed here, even if he only comes here to read? Maybe he'd be interested in books or audio books like, Doug Carpenter's Secret Shame, or Mike Lew's Victims No longer. Both are available through Amazon. Both books are great and put in one spot what took me years to learn in bits and pieces. I'm not a sit down and read a book type of guy but the audio books I have been listening to while I'm working alone.

 

[Lost&Alone]

It took me almost 35 years to admit that I needed some kind of therapy, which only happened when something else happened. In that time I told my wife some very vague summary details, but that was all.
I would suggest that you be there for him, and he may eventually decide to seek professional help. Until then, I honestly do not think persuasion will work.
As for the difference in libido, we are the opposite - my wife has nearly none, while I can become positively feral at times. Being open with each other, and actively finding a middle ground helps (in our case, she accepts that I may want to "take care of myself", and sometimes assists.)

Hi P1nky, thank you for replying. I think similar to you he told me vague details, he was very drunk at the time and it was fairly early in our relationship, it meant a lot that he trusted me with it, I have felt like his therapist a fair few times but thankfully since he cut the family off he has seemed much better and the drinking has reduced a lot (he still binge drinks when he goes out but he can’t drink as much anymore so it’s getting better, and he also comes home if he’s bored now instead of carrying on).
I know how you feel regarding the ‘feral’ comment, I’ve asked if we can semi-schedule sex for after my period as that’s when I am at my worst and he agreed, I also like you feel the need to ‘sort myself out’ but haven’t had much luck with getting his help in that department.

 

[Lost&Alone]

It is not unusual for some survivors to have issues with taking care of some of the personal care of an infant. I have heard of this being the case for others also. Possibly bathing your son is triggering for him. Personally I would not worry about it, rather just accept. If he is changing diapers and putting him to bed etc. and as you say he is "amazing" with your son, be thankful for that, not all men are that way. He sounds like he is a good father even though he does not feel comfortable bathing your little one.

Ideally he would get into therapy. That is a personal choice and one he has to make, hopefully in time he will. All you can do is try to be supportive. I am not saying you need to be his therapist.. I am a bit concerned about his drinking. Hopefully this does not become an issue. If this is a concern check into Al anon, I just checked they are in the UK.

As far as the libido issue goes it may be difficult, but possibly you both can talk about this and come to some sort of solution. Communication in the bedroom is important. I know you are in therapy to deal with your abuse, but possibly you could also mention this issue and get some advice or insight.

I truly wish all of you well and enjoy your precious little boy!- They grow quickly.

Hi GaD3!, thank you for replying. He is absolutely an amazing father (we have the usual difference in opinion in parenting styles that all couples have) but otherwise I have no issues, he plays, disciplines, etc

The libido issue is difficult and because of the meds I was on I was literally a once a year girl so I understand it’s a big change for us both and something to navigate, we also have very different likes so there is a lot to balance.

 

[Lost&Alone]

I understand him not wanting to go to therapy at this point, but he's at least told you so that's a huge first step. Maybe he'd be interested in this website, to see that he's not alone, that others have been dealing with the same kinds of abuse and that he'd be welcomed here, even if he only comes here to read? Maybe he'd be interested in books or audio books like, Doug Carpenter's Secret Shame, or Mike Lew's Victims No longer. Both are available through Amazon. Both books are great and put in one spot what took me years to learn in bits and pieces. I'm not a sit down and read a book type of guy but the audio books I have been listening to while I'm working alone.

Hi George, thank you for replying.

I will perhaps mention this site to him one day when I think he’s ready, he’s more of the ‘ignore and move on’ type.

 

[Easy123]

Hi @Lost&Alone,

Welcome to the forums. I’m sorry for the sexual abuse you endured and glad you found a healthy way to deal with it. I think that can be a powerful tool to help you provide support to your husband as he tries to deal with his sexual abuse. I was also abused by my brother when I was little. It’s a challenging thing to overcome.

One thing I’ve learned from reading other survivors’ narratives is that no two are exactly the same. But, there are themes and patterns that often exist across many of them. There is a lot we can learn about ourselves through the stories of others. I went to several therapists for anger and anxiety issues and never admitted my sexual abuse to them. It wasn’t until I started reading these forums and realized I wasn’t alone on this journey that I finally went to a therapist specifically for the abuse. It also got me to a point where I could tell my wife and adult children so they could be there to support me. But that didn’t happen for me until I was in my mid 40s. So I agree with @George that getting him to participate in the forums might be a good first step.

He is amazing with our son, will change nappies, put him to bed etc but he will not bath him, I guess I worry if there’s something in it.

I think it’s common for survivors to worry the abuse has turned them into an abuser or that everyone will think they are capable of abuse and so they avoid certain situations. He may be avoiding baths for that reason. It may also be that some of his abuse occurred in the bath and the moment is very triggering. I wouldn’t worry about this too much because it seems like a simple avoidance technique for him. But if you are concerned, I would look for other clues to his behavior by checking his internet browsing history. I only mention this because you wrote about your mismatched libidos. Porn can be a powerful form of escape for some people. He’s had issues with drinking, so he may have other addictive interests. (No judgement from me on either of these.) The risk there is once you know, you know. If you find something concerning, you either have to live with the knowledge in silence or confront.

The libido mismatch is also just a fact of aging and parenthood. We’ve raised three kids. It’s been years since we’ve been on the same schedule. I like your idea of scheduling some time for it. It’s good communication. Also, giving him ways to signal he is in a bad mental space without having verbalize it might help. Something like putting a book or plant in a certain spot. I recently heard that from another forum member and thought it was a brilliant idea. One I wished I had years ago.

Be strong.

 

[Lost&Alone]

Hi @Lost&Alone,

Welcome to the forums. I’m sorry for the sexual abuse you endured and glad you found a healthy way to deal with it. I think that can be a powerful tool to help you provide support to your husband as he tries to deal with his sexual abuse. I was also abused by my brother when I was little. It’s a challenging thing to overcome.

One thing I’ve learned from reading other survivors’ narratives is that no two are exactly the same. But, there are themes and patterns that often exist across many of them. There is a lot we can learn about ourselves through the stories of others. I went to several therapists for anger and anxiety issues and never admitted my sexual abuse to them. It wasn’t until I started reading these forums and realized I wasn’t alone on this journey that I finally went to a therapist specifically for the abuse. It also got me to a point where I could tell my wife and adult children so they could be there to support me. But that didn’t happen for me until I was in my mid 40s. So I agree with @George that getting him to participate in the forums might be a good first step.


I think it’s common for survivors to worry the abuse has turned them into an abuser or that everyone will think they are capable of abuse and so they avoid certain situations. He may be avoiding baths for that reason. It may also be that some of his abuse occurred in the bath and the moment is very triggering. I wouldn’t worry about this too much because it seems like a simple avoidance technique for him. But if you are concerned, I would look for other clues to his behavior by checking his internet browsing history. I only mention this because you wrote about your mismatched libidos. Porn can be a powerful form of escape for some people. He’s had issues with drinking, so he may have other addictive interests. (No judgement from me on either of these.) The risk there is once you know, you know. If you find something concerning, you either have to live with the knowledge in silence or confront.

The libido mismatch is also just a fact of aging and parenthood. We’ve raised three kids. It’s been years since we’ve been on the same schedule. I like your idea of scheduling some time for it. It’s good communication. Also, giving him ways to signal he is in a bad mental space without having verbalize it might help. Something like putting a book or plant in a certain spot. I recently heard that from another forum member and thought it was a brilliant idea. One I wished I had years ago.

Be strong.

Hi Easy123, thank you for replying. I think the hardest part for me is that his family didn’t believe him and he has since decided to cut them off. Being a mother now I don’t know how anyone could not believe their child about something like this.

He will happily get him out of the bath and dry/dress him but not the actual bit of playing with him in the bath or washing him. We are also in the middle potty training and he always tells him to put on pants when sometimes I think our son is having a distracted day and needs to be free from the waist down to just go to the potty, if he has pants on he still gets confused and thinks he can pee, there is a chance our son is autistic also so there’s some additional struggle there, my husband doesn’t see it but myself and other family members with experience of autism do.

I don’t need to worry about porn, he doesn’t use it, I do though. His phone use is majority social media and games, I loose him for hours like that. Having the mismatched libidos I find porn helpful when he’s just not feeling it.

He was a very heavy drinker when I met him, but incredibly charismatic and hid it to some extent. Always the life of the party, some of the stories he comes out with! Over the years his drinking has reduced a lot, probably due to us setting down, and him not wanting to escape his living situation (he still lived in the same house as his abuser when I met him) he moved in with me after 3 months of dating and I knew about everything not long after that.

I will brooch the subject of signals to say he’s just not into it without me having to ask, as I start to feel like a nag lol