He thinks it's all his fault

[Enchantedlady]

My husband thinks because he liked what happened to him and went "lookin for more" that it's all his fault why he's so screwed up.
Like a 9 or 10 yr old is really going to handle something like that. He thinks he should've told someone.

How do I handle this one? I told him it's not his fault but he's too busy putting himself down. Is there anything I can say?

 

[MikeNY]

You can suggest that he gets help with all of this, even if it is just by coming here. What he is feeling is extremely common. As you read more here, you will see that all of the shame, guilt, anger, etc. are shared amongst most survivors. You ask what you can tell him, give him a hypothetical scenario. Ask him who he thinks would be to blame if something like that happened now, the adult, who should know better no matter what, or a young child who is impressionable? The shame and guilt that he is feeling is not his, it belongs to the person who did those things to him.

 

[Enchantedlady]

Hi Mike,

The person who abused my hubby was 14 yrs old, do you think he has any shame? I also was wondering have you ever read The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz?

Is it good to take a break or vacation from having any kind of sexual contant with my husband? I mentioned it to him and he looked at me with big eyes saying yea right like that will work. Is something like this needed for him to heal?

I'm almost finished with the book and our book by Lew came in so I'll be reading that one next, my h will still be reading the current book.

 

[phoster]

i think many of us blamed ourselves. i know i thought of myself as sick because i liked it. i asked myself if i was gay, because i liked another boy touching me. i beat myself up for years because of it. even with therapy, that guilt and shame only peels away a layer at a time. it is a very hard thing to shake. i'm not sure there's much you can do for him. he has to do the work to get better, and he has to look at things in a new light.

 

[SAR]

Hi EnchantedLady,

I think that letting your husband know that you will understand if and when he needs to take a break from sex will probably be enough. In my experience it has not been sex in general but certain acts or aspects of sex that trigger my boyfriend, we stay away from those.

Sometimes it is hard to realize just how powerless we were as children. I think that taking on the guilt and shame is a sort of denial-- because to admit that none of it was in the control of the child, is a new beginning of grief for the innocence and trust that was lost, the vulnerability that was exploited. Being responsible absorbs some of the shock of how awful it is to be abused.

That being said, your husband needs to come to this in his own time.

 

[Lloydy]

Go for a walk with him, maybe in a park, and watch kids of that age. Really watch how they behave and act ( without getting locked up of course )and you'll see how kids have no power over an adult hell-bent on doing harm.

It's easy to project our adult reasoning back onto the child we 'think' we were.
Thinking like the innocent and vulnerable kids we were is difficult, but something we have to try and do.

And as for 'liking it'? isn't sex a powerful thing? of course it is, and at that age we're growing aware of changes in our body and sharing sex-talk with other boys of our age. That we were interested in sex isn't a mystery, and that sense natural, youthful, inquisitiveness was, unfortunately, no mystery to the perps.

Dave

 

[MikeNY]

OK. Even though it was not an adult, it was someone who was considered to be in a position of power over him. The other person was older and more knowledgable. This combined with peer pressure and other factors provides the same effects and results as if it was an adult. Placing it in the proper context, considering the ages and age differences, to your husband, he may as well have been an adult. Sorry, no, I have not read those books. I have read many psychology books, many philosophy books, all of the articles here, lived through it, used and read the message board, talked with many survivors, and paid close attention to other people's behaviors for years.