He ruses to heal

[mazzy]

I started seeing a wonderful guy about 2 years ago who made me feel so alive and who just gave to me and never took. After 3 weeks of seeing eachother, I noticed that he was avoiding full sex and I became concerned. It was at this point that he told me that he had been sexually abused by a female for many years of his childhood. He doesn't feel comfortable with having full sex - it freaks him out. He said that I was one of only 3 other people he had told about this and by telling me he felt like he had stopped running away. Well, it didn't take long for him to start running away again and we have drifted in and out of friendship/ relationship ever since. In his past he has been sexually untrustworthy and I know he can't offer me a stable loving relationship as he is but I can't help wanting a relationship with him. I care deeply and the attraction is strong - we get drawn back to eachother somehow. He suffers from non-existant self-esteem, emotional numbness and severe mood swings. Nobody seems to see this except me because he puts on his 'Mr Happy' routine for everyone else. (Humour seems gets him through everything). He will not deal with his abuse as an issue -he says he won't need to if he avoids emotional/sexual relationships. He thinks that is better for me too - if I find a 'normal' boyfriend and forget about him. I don't know if his is capable of feeling love for me but I know I love him and I don't want to walk away but he runs away from me ever time we close anyway!He refuses to heal - Anyone got any advice?

 

[Neil]

First of all, thank you for being concerned and wanting to help your friend. That says a lot for your character. You can't make him heal though. If he doesn't want to or isn't ready then you can't force healing on him. Maybe he just doesn't know where to start. Actually, he has already taken one of the most important steps. That is to tell someone. There are two things that I would suggest at this stage. One is therapy. There are so many issues to deal with here that it's almost impossible to get through them without professional help. That could be really difficult to get him to do because we, as males, have this "ego" that won't let us reach out for help. We want to fix everything ourselves. It just doesn't work very well in this case. The second thing I would suggest is a book. There are several good ones out there that deal with sexually abused men. This might help you both understand his thoughts and actions a little better. He is not the only man who has experienced abuse (although he may feel that way). A book will help him understand that he is not alone in his pain. Many men have gone through what he has. The book that helped me a lot was "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. There are other good ones though (see book section of this site). I hope this helps a little. Just make sure that in your zeal to help your friend that you also take care of yourself and your own needs.

 

[mazzy]

Thanks for the reply Neil. It feels good to talk about this. Unfortunately, he won't read books or go to therapy because he doesn't like to think about it. I read the books for us both. He has coped in his own way for his whole life (laughing it off / hiding from it / not getting seriously envolved with anyone)and he doesn't want to be told to change, or that there is another way. It hurts him to think that black isn't white afterall. He also knows he'll get worse before he gets better and scares him half to death. He won't face it yet it effects EVERYTHING. He is also heavily into SM - he is a submissive - it is the only sex we can have because it is not real I guess - it's all role playing and escapism. It lacks intamacy too and I need more than that. I don't want to do anything to make things worse and deep down I think SM does make it worse - it re-confirms lessons he has learnt in childhood that someone has the right to dominate him / hurt him / humilate him. He sometimes asks me to kill him. I obviously have no one I can talk to about this and I don't want anything to happen to him that I could have stopped. Does anyone know anyone like this? Is this all typical of someone who has been abused? What do other people do to survive? What has to happen before he WANTS to feel emotion again? My love has not been enough so far.