He Cheated and I'm Done
He Cheated and I'm Done
- Thread starterselene
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lostcowboy
Registrant
Hi Selene, I finally found one of Lloydy's posts for you. Please read Me and Sugar He has been where your husband has been. You may want to PM him.
Take care,
Clifford
Take care,
Clifford
Hi Selene,
I am so sorry this happened for you. It sound like your husband has a lot of pent up rage and a blast of it came out at you. Could I ask what he was shouting about? You don't mention anything he said during his raging.
Of course it was easier to get married, stay married, ignore the infidelity etc. That's just how it is when kids are in the picture. I feel I pushed the whole, 'is he Gay' thing right to the back of my mind and made up some kind of alternate reality for myself. When all this stuff came out, I too have had very strong feelings that I have no idea who my bf really is. I feel like there's been a lot of hate directed at me both now and in the past, and suddenly i saw it all really clearly. I thought, ''what a sucker I've been!'' He doesn't really want me, I don't actually feel desired. I felt I've been used, sexually and otherwise. I thought about all the missing intimacy/passion and my trust in him faded to the point where I couldn't allow him to touch me. I thought of all the lies. I am still finding it hard to trust that some of things he says are the truth. Sometimes he says things, then says he didn't mean them that way. It's all so confusing. But, the more we talk, the clearer it becomes to me, that his mind/emotions have been all divided up, and he has very little confidence in himself as a man. Masculinity is the biggest issue it would seem.
I can't think of a better way of explaining that. I don't know if it will be of any help to you. Even as I write it all, I feel full of anxiety myself about if he really wants me or not and if I can really trust him or not and if i really know who he is or not.........but, the evidence I've seen so far, (after 1 year of homeopathy and 6 months of weekly therapy) is showing the integration of different parts of his character into him as a whole.
Do you think that because you are a survivor yourself, you may be assuming things are the same for your husband as they are for you? It does seem like there are some quite big differences between men and women survivors. Even as I sit here saying that, I still feel uncertain of my bf's true feelings for me, so maybe it will turn out that I am a sucker after all......I don't know
It's also perfectly understandable you're not loving him as husband right now too, with so many elements missing, it gets hard to love someone that way. But what if, over time, he began to be able to share those things with you, do you think you could grow to love him in that way again? Did you ever? That's something that's really hard to think about because you were probably always unsure of his behaviour towards you, I was with my bf. But, right at the CENTRE of it all, is there a core feeling there?
I don't mean to sound pushy, but issues of trust are probably very important for you too, and they could be massively effecting the way you're feeling things right now. There have been days when I have genuinely felt that i am no longer attracted to my bf. And that whatever attraction there was, was a lie. And that wherever his passion and desire are, they're not with me, and WHERE are they? Who is he??? Now, after 6 months of being in a kind of crisis state, I've had a few feelings of attraction return. I'm still very nervous really. I'm waiting to see some of that desire connect up with the rest of him and all the other stuff too. Could I be waiting a lifetime?.................who knows.........................
I suppose what I'm saying is, try not to make decision in moments of panick/times of stress. Those times will pass and you might feel differently then. Your husband is probably not sharing a lot of himself with you and that's scary and I think it sound like you possibly share the same desperate impatience as me, which is THIS HAS GONE ON FOR TOO MANY YEARS AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF TRYING, GIVING, THINKING, WAITING.
just some of my thoughts,
take care,
peace
Beccy
I am so sorry this happened for you. It sound like your husband has a lot of pent up rage and a blast of it came out at you. Could I ask what he was shouting about? You don't mention anything he said during his raging.
Of course it was easier to get married, stay married, ignore the infidelity etc. That's just how it is when kids are in the picture. I feel I pushed the whole, 'is he Gay' thing right to the back of my mind and made up some kind of alternate reality for myself. When all this stuff came out, I too have had very strong feelings that I have no idea who my bf really is. I feel like there's been a lot of hate directed at me both now and in the past, and suddenly i saw it all really clearly. I thought, ''what a sucker I've been!'' He doesn't really want me, I don't actually feel desired. I felt I've been used, sexually and otherwise. I thought about all the missing intimacy/passion and my trust in him faded to the point where I couldn't allow him to touch me. I thought of all the lies. I am still finding it hard to trust that some of things he says are the truth. Sometimes he says things, then says he didn't mean them that way. It's all so confusing. But, the more we talk, the clearer it becomes to me, that his mind/emotions have been all divided up, and he has very little confidence in himself as a man. Masculinity is the biggest issue it would seem.
I can't think of a better way of explaining that. I don't know if it will be of any help to you. Even as I write it all, I feel full of anxiety myself about if he really wants me or not and if I can really trust him or not and if i really know who he is or not.........but, the evidence I've seen so far, (after 1 year of homeopathy and 6 months of weekly therapy) is showing the integration of different parts of his character into him as a whole.
Do you think that because you are a survivor yourself, you may be assuming things are the same for your husband as they are for you? It does seem like there are some quite big differences between men and women survivors. Even as I sit here saying that, I still feel uncertain of my bf's true feelings for me, so maybe it will turn out that I am a sucker after all......I don't know
It's also perfectly understandable you're not loving him as husband right now too, with so many elements missing, it gets hard to love someone that way. But what if, over time, he began to be able to share those things with you, do you think you could grow to love him in that way again? Did you ever? That's something that's really hard to think about because you were probably always unsure of his behaviour towards you, I was with my bf. But, right at the CENTRE of it all, is there a core feeling there?
I don't mean to sound pushy, but issues of trust are probably very important for you too, and they could be massively effecting the way you're feeling things right now. There have been days when I have genuinely felt that i am no longer attracted to my bf. And that whatever attraction there was, was a lie. And that wherever his passion and desire are, they're not with me, and WHERE are they? Who is he??? Now, after 6 months of being in a kind of crisis state, I've had a few feelings of attraction return. I'm still very nervous really. I'm waiting to see some of that desire connect up with the rest of him and all the other stuff too. Could I be waiting a lifetime?.................who knows.........................
I suppose what I'm saying is, try not to make decision in moments of panick/times of stress. Those times will pass and you might feel differently then. Your husband is probably not sharing a lot of himself with you and that's scary and I think it sound like you possibly share the same desperate impatience as me, which is THIS HAS GONE ON FOR TOO MANY YEARS AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF TRYING, GIVING, THINKING, WAITING.
just some of my thoughts,
take care,
peace
Beccy