He Abused My Mind (possible triggers)
aryanscrystallinenebula
Registrant
I've been in intense discussions with several of the men of this group who have been kind to share their experiences and perspectives with me. I've been pouring out my soul to some of them. I fear, at times, that they will see how uncomfortable I really am. But I feel so relieved when I share my experiences. And they calm my anxieties about sharing these distressful things. One man told me that he felt my rapist wanted to fuck with my mind.
And now after recalling the things the rapists did to me with the leader giving them all of these instructions, I realize he was trying to get into my head and to hurt me in a way that I could not forget. In a way that would tie WORDS to SENSATIONS. It impacted me so much that I cannot stop hearing the words over and over and over in my mind.
I'm learning from different men here, that these words, along with certain sensations and feelings are my Triggers. I have never read anywhere where a person has spoke of their rapist saying words to get into their victim's head. To tie that word to the sensation of what he was doing. It was almost as if the rapist was laying a minefield for me by placing words there and the word was the trigger and the bomb was the sensation. I don't know how else to explain it.
I keep trying to understand it because I can't forget the words. A person cannot forget words. And yet it crucifies me every day to remember them. I do dissociate but not as in the way a person with clinical dissociative disorder would do. I hear the word and go straight to the feeling or sensation and it causes me to almost black out. Sometimes, if I think about what he told me in my ears over and over while he was beating, raping and jerking me my eyes and mind are completely glazed over. Then I realize suddenly that I've completely shaved but was zoned out the entire time. I go somewhere else in my mind but not sure where that is. All I know is it all starts with me remembering the different words he would say. I know he did that to me on purpose.
I can say one or two of the words in my writing only as long as I don't tell anyone what they are. Several of them I can't allow myself to even say or think. Writing them is as close it gets for me to confronting them. I swear, I hate him. I hate him for doing this to me. For wrecking my mind so that it's next to impossible to really share the full content of what was said and done.
I'm almost to a point where I can't handle it. I'm a doctor. My mind needs to be clear, focused and sharp. I cannot afford to become paralyzed in surgery. I'm not only responsible for your anesthesia and pain management but I am the one that has to save your life if you should stop breathing or if your heart goes into arrest during surgery.
I've never felt so defiled, so violated, so angry, so powerless. "Shame" is one of the words the rapist laid in my mine (mind) field. I heard him say it almost in every breath. With everything he did to me he attached that word to it. He said it in one-two-three syllables. He said it in a multi-layered voice. Almost demonic sounding. There were other words...but I don't believe I can admit them. This one is the only one I believe I can admit.
He damaged my ability to say words! If he hadn't said them like that and looked at me like that while doing the shit he did I might have reacted differently.
"Cry cry cry" in a deeply accented voice is another word I cannot say, hear or barely type. Jesus Christ, I'm typing them. I'm stopping now. I don't want to say anymore of them. Perhaps some of these things are considered a trigger to other people. I think if I black out when they're said then it's because the bomb has gone off and I can't handle the shit of remembering.
Please forgive me if I sound trivial. I'm sorry if my triggers are yours also. I'm sorry if I look like a coward for not being able to admit simple words that bother me and cause me to feel a block. I don't know why I feel this way about the things he said repetitively to me. I don't believe anyone will understand this.
However, the rapist may think he damaged me permanently. But I survived. I've already WON. I just have some hurdles to get beyond. ~Jake
And now after recalling the things the rapists did to me with the leader giving them all of these instructions, I realize he was trying to get into my head and to hurt me in a way that I could not forget. In a way that would tie WORDS to SENSATIONS. It impacted me so much that I cannot stop hearing the words over and over and over in my mind.
I'm learning from different men here, that these words, along with certain sensations and feelings are my Triggers. I have never read anywhere where a person has spoke of their rapist saying words to get into their victim's head. To tie that word to the sensation of what he was doing. It was almost as if the rapist was laying a minefield for me by placing words there and the word was the trigger and the bomb was the sensation. I don't know how else to explain it.
I keep trying to understand it because I can't forget the words. A person cannot forget words. And yet it crucifies me every day to remember them. I do dissociate but not as in the way a person with clinical dissociative disorder would do. I hear the word and go straight to the feeling or sensation and it causes me to almost black out. Sometimes, if I think about what he told me in my ears over and over while he was beating, raping and jerking me my eyes and mind are completely glazed over. Then I realize suddenly that I've completely shaved but was zoned out the entire time. I go somewhere else in my mind but not sure where that is. All I know is it all starts with me remembering the different words he would say. I know he did that to me on purpose.
I can say one or two of the words in my writing only as long as I don't tell anyone what they are. Several of them I can't allow myself to even say or think. Writing them is as close it gets for me to confronting them. I swear, I hate him. I hate him for doing this to me. For wrecking my mind so that it's next to impossible to really share the full content of what was said and done.
I'm almost to a point where I can't handle it. I'm a doctor. My mind needs to be clear, focused and sharp. I cannot afford to become paralyzed in surgery. I'm not only responsible for your anesthesia and pain management but I am the one that has to save your life if you should stop breathing or if your heart goes into arrest during surgery.
I've never felt so defiled, so violated, so angry, so powerless. "Shame" is one of the words the rapist laid in my mine (mind) field. I heard him say it almost in every breath. With everything he did to me he attached that word to it. He said it in one-two-three syllables. He said it in a multi-layered voice. Almost demonic sounding. There were other words...but I don't believe I can admit them. This one is the only one I believe I can admit.
He damaged my ability to say words! If he hadn't said them like that and looked at me like that while doing the shit he did I might have reacted differently.
"Cry cry cry" in a deeply accented voice is another word I cannot say, hear or barely type. Jesus Christ, I'm typing them. I'm stopping now. I don't want to say anymore of them. Perhaps some of these things are considered a trigger to other people. I think if I black out when they're said then it's because the bomb has gone off and I can't handle the shit of remembering.
Please forgive me if I sound trivial. I'm sorry if my triggers are yours also. I'm sorry if I look like a coward for not being able to admit simple words that bother me and cause me to feel a block. I don't know why I feel this way about the things he said repetitively to me. I don't believe anyone will understand this.
However, the rapist may think he damaged me permanently. But I survived. I've already WON. I just have some hurdles to get beyond. ~Jake
