Having visions of flashbacks...Or am I? *Triggers*

[Ohio]

Well let me first tell you I'm paranoid scziophrenic with schizo-affective disorder. I had a question didn't know if you guy's could solve or not.

Well I can remember when I had visions of being abused by my Grandpa when I was a small small boy in his room. Alcohol being involved sometimes. I had these intense visions of being abused by him and being told by him certain types of phrases like "lil buddy" he would call me and that seemed to be a trigger for me as in my visions he would say that as he abused me.

Other things he would say also, but I can't quite remember, although theres a huge hole in this story. When I brought it up a few years back my whole family said it never happened.

My mom swears she never left me at my Grandpa's unattended enough for that to even happen and I want to believe her, although I get these visions and phrases in my head and it must of been when I was young like 4 or 5 or 6.

Would I be able to remember these if it did happen? Am I confusing my Grandpa (because my dad was physically abused by my Grandpa) with the Real Abuser I know it did happen to me with? Am I just having these visions and there getting mixed up with the real abuser cause I'm scizo-affective?

Just don't know what to think cause sometimes from time to time I still think back on those visions and there clear and vivid although I could be mixing him up with the Real Abuser.

Has anybody ever had this happen where they thought somebody abused them and it never happened even when they had vivid, clear visions of that abuse? I think I'm just mixing him up with the Real Abuser, which is what I was told too, but didn't know if anyone else had this happen to them.

 

[Ohio]

Let me remind you though I was abused when I was younger, My whole family knows about that, but the whole idea in my head about this situation, I think I just get mixed up with the Real Abuse.

Yet remind you I only thought that stuff and had visions of it, when I was having a Mental Breakdown, so that may clarify this whole situation

Me having the mental breakdown or loss of touch with reality made me think all sorts of dumb off the wall stuff

 

[Dust]

Hi Ohio. It must be difficult to not know one way or the other. I don't think anyone can definitively answer these questions for you though. It sounds like you're leaning toward the side of them being related to an episode of decompensation you had several years ago. I remember you saying that sometimes you obsess on the details of your abuse for days. Not sure if this is the case, but do you feel that what's happening now is an instance of that tendency? If so, can you determine if there was something that triggered it? If this is the case, it sounds like you are learning to calm that obsessing down quite a bit and on your own. That's great!

 

[traveler]

Ohio -

i can't say i have had quite that experience. i have had partial memories, that over a period of time, clarified and gained in detail. but i was never in doubt who the perpetrators were.

one thing i have heard of is that sometimes when a survivor has dissociated to the extent that they were not consciously aware of what happened or had repressed memories, later, when there are gaps in the narrative, the survivor may jump try to fill in the gaps and come to the wrong assumption of who the abuser(s) was (were).

so - i guess you do have to be a bit careful about jumping to conclusions if you are not sure and have cloudy or absent details.

it is not a certainty that some of those memories will ever be complete, but on the other hand - you may get a lot more than you bargained for.

i hope you do OK - whichever outcome happens for you.

Lee