having trouble, of course

having trouble, of course
C

cant_remember

So, here's the deal. I haven't been on MS in a long time, mostly because I was trying to get along without it. In May, I ended 2 years of weekly therapy.

I have started a relationship with a great woman, but on 2 important occasions she has complained that I felt emotionally distant to the point where she felt i didn't want her around.

We live in seperate cities because i have recently moved, and she came to visit for the weekend. While she was here, we had great sex several times. But when she was working, I visited a gay chat room that centers on older men and roleplayed my abuse in the chat room (a common problem of mine).

When I dropped her off at the airport, I went to a porn theater and found a silver-haired man in the back who reminded me of my abuser. I told him about my abuse in the back of the theater and it excited him. he started talking to me like I was a boy, telling me what to do, and I obeyed.

i'm sick of myself. on the surface, i'm a successful young man still barely in my 20s. underneath, i'm a mess.

Arg!
 
Can't Remember,

Did you ever bring these issues up with your T? If not, it's a good idea to do so. Don't be ashamed of the acting out - he/she will have seen this one a thousand times. The idea is to help you and in order for that to happen the T has to know what the really serious problems are.

One possibility is that you are acting out the abuse because it reflects how, deep down inside, you really feel about yourself. I know that when I was a boy and my abuse ended, I would have done anything with anyone in the years after that. Even in university, when a professor befriended me and took me seriously, I thought he was hitting on me and wanted sex. He didn't, but that was just my good luck. I bet I would have done anything, and the reason would have been that I thought that was all I was good for.

If abuse was your introduction to sex, then that's perhaps another reason for the acting out. You revert to what you knew first and best. Or perhaps you were acting out in order to convince yourself that what happened wasn't abuse, or that it didn't harm you.

So a lot of possibilities: going further on this, though, would mean seeking professional help.

Those are just some ideas. But Morning Star has a really good point above. If the porn theater scene upsets you so badly, it would be a good idea to stay well away. Don't even go into the area. If you are tempted, find something else to do - don't just sit and fret.

I'm glad you are able to talk about all this. I hope it helps you to deal with this issue.

Much love,
Larry
 
thanks guys,

does anyone know anything about dissociative identity disorders, possible treatments and meds? i've never taken meds except for self-perscribed recreational marijuana... (i know, i know)

but i'm ready to enter treatment and take meds if it helps.

the thing about the porn theater scenario (and hundreds like it) is that i don't feel in control when i'm heading there. i feel like my body is going there and i can't stop it. like another part of me has taken control.

does anyone else feel this way?

i think it may be a mild DID, nothing as bad as multiple personalities, but certainly a switched gear.

thoughts?
 
What seemed to be the trigger? Your girlfriend pointing out you being emotionally distant? Having strong feelings for your girlfriend that seemed scary? Difficulty in letting your guard down around her? Her leaving on the plane and feeling like she isn't coming back (not true of course)?

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Born-to-Resist asks some very good questions. It's important to understand what's triggering these behaviors in you so you'll be able to recognize in the future when you're about to fall into that same pattern. For the vast majority of abuse survivors, I think very few of them are just sitting around bored with nothing to do but act out. Something triggers the activity, be it insecurity, stress, etc. Recognizing the pattern and taking alternative steps to head off the urges to act out is key.
 
Can't Remember,

I don't think lighting up a joint will help much if you have dissociation problems. A lot of the points you mention really should be taken up with a good T. Recovery from sexual abuse as a child really isn't a do-it-yourself project. That's not to say that it's easy with a T - it's definitely not. But a T who is right for you will guide you and get you through the rough spots with as little pain as possible and without reliving the trauma all over again.

If you have been in therapy 2 years and it didn't help, that doesn't mean that therapy isn't for you. There are many approaches and some guys take awhile to find a T that they can communicate with about the difficult stuff. Have you seen Ken Singer's article here about choosing a therapist?

Much love,
Larry
 
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