Having rough go of things

[andrew76]

As some of you may know I am about to be a father and have many things rushing thru my head from past,present,future, meanwhile my marraige is going to hell in a handbasket.There has been abuse in this marraige that i have had to take from my spouse and recently I have found myself turning to drugs,alchohol,hardcore metal and anything that can keep my mind off the sh*t to try and keep going meanwhile going to counseling with my spouse do to all this and therapist has hit me where i live and it only strenghtens my resolve to drink take drugs and get even more into my hardcore metal and shut everyone and everything out.

I also have found myself looking else where outside of my marraige for the things that have been hounding me and following me for years that i have suppressed for a long time and now that i am about to be a father within the next few weeks i am shutting down and shutting everything out and the things in my head are creating issues for me that have never been dealt with.I also am not in good physical condition either and have lost several doctors taking care of my condition in order to help me keep going and am wanting to shut down completely can't handle it anymore am tired and in pain emotionally and physically and am trying to shut everything out but don't seem to be doing a good job at it.

Makes me want to go and confront my abuser even more now then ever and whatever happens happens i don't care if i go to jail and if something happens to me as long as i let my abuser have it going thru all this thanks to what i had to endure during my childhood now i can't get it out of my head and can't talk about it to anyone else without repercussions and other opinions and strong reactions happening.I am having a hard time talking in the counseling sessions as well and am having a hard time talking about all this but for some reason i think you all understand where i am at and what i am facing and dealing with without all the interrogations and questions like i would get from other people.

 

[FLRich]

((((((Andrew))))))

Buddy, I don't know what I can say that you don't already know. I can say that I feel for you and have been "somewhat" in the same place you are. Trust me, alcohol and drugs are not going to help anything. Their effect is only temporary, and their effect long-term is not anything you want or need added to your already full plate.

I would urge you at this point to talk to your doctor. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him you are self medicating with alcohol and drugs. If you are on prescribed drugs, perhaps they need to be adjusted or changed. If your doctor is not responsive, change doctors, but you have to get the help you need to get out of this funk you are in. You owe this to yourself, your wife, and your new baby when it is born.

Andrew, you have to take care of yourself before you can ever take care of a wife and new baby. Be as honest as you can with the professionals you deal with (psychiatrists, psychologists, therapist, counselors, medical doctors, etc.)

I hate that so much is happening to you at once, and I hope someone will come along after my post, and will post somethign with more substance, but get the help you need. No matter what you may think now, you are worth it. It'shard work at times, but the pay off is great. Don't give up on anything except the alcohol and drugs.

PS: The metal will make you go deaf! Trust me, this I know.

 

[Bobby]

Andrew, I have to echo what Rich says. Yes, I understand completely everything you feel. And it's all happening at once, and you can't do it on your own. None of us can. Don't give up. It can be better. Don't get down on yourself. We're so quick to do that,and if we don't give ourselves a break, who will? Being kind to yourself means letting someone help. As you can tell, I really don't know what to say, except that I hurt for you and with you. Let someone know how bad you hurt. If no one knows, they can't help. Keep talking to us here. Talking here helps. It's not so lonely that way. Bobby

 

[roadrunner]

Andrew,

A couple of the most important parts of your post hit home to me, because I have had the same experiences in some way or another.

When I was a teenager and then also in my 20s I also went the drink and drugs route. It nearly killed me. It seemed to help in the very short term, but the next day I would always find myself back in the shit - usually even more so. Fortunately I was able to get some help, starting with a professor who told me I was a bright and promising student and he wanted me to be his assistant, but first I had to decide did I want to live my life or lose it.

When I disclosed to my parents last November my Dad's first reaction was to give me a huge hug and tell me he loves me, and then a few minutes later he asked, "How did the bastard get past me?" and wanted to know is he still alive. When I said no, my Dad replied that that was one item off the list. Later we talked about this and he said, well, if he had killed the perp he would be out of jail by now. My answer to that was easy: My sisters and I would have grown up without a father.

You are going to be a Dad Andrew, and this child will need you. The greatest revenge you could take on the perp would be to live the full and promising life that lies within your grasp.

Much love,
Larry