Having problems accepting

[Iantt]

I have found a counselor myself that I started seeing last week. And I have told him what my partner is dealing with. And how hard it is for me because I can't seem to help except to be there. I just don't know enough yet. The counselor pointed out that in everything else we have been through in the last fifteen years we have been able to work through together.

But for the first time I don't have any answers for him. And I am afraid that I could do something wrong without even knowing it. In the few months I have known about this, things have gotten even more rocky which is why we are in couples counseling.

Can anybody lend some experience here to help me understand why things are like this? We've been together too long for me to lose him because I don't know what to do.

As usual thank you for any help you can give.

Ian

 

[beautifuldisaster]

Ian,
I have far less time with my husband, only 2.5 years. However, I felt the same. And like this forum, I have tried to angle myself correctly all by trial and error with much flexibility.
As I see in here, everyone is different. Each person responds and reacts differently.
The thing I have found most helpful for us, and that actually work are these:

1. Read! Knowledge is a powerful force, especially when a better understanding would help untangle your world and thoughts to an extent. Help you not to be blindsided every time you turn around. And more importantly help you create a realistic idea of a goal.
2. Patience! Pushing my husband is the absolute worst thing I could do. The more space I have given him the better he has responded. This is his journey, not mine...The responsibility of fixing this is his. And I let him know I am along for the long-haul by choice.
3. Goals! This is something I have created with him as a couple, and that I have done privately.
Together, the goals have been informally discussed. I reinterated them in a card I gave him. I reminded him of the end result,and that we deserve to be intimate and happy. And that without pushing him, I acknowledged that we commited to working on this together...and to assure him I am doing on my part. As for myself, I have many goals personally, many of which are listed here.
4. Normalcy! I dont mope around, I dont throw it in his face, I dont talk about it constantly.
It has a life, but it doesnt own us. I want him to see that this is in our life, but it ISNT our life. We stil laugh, and have coffee together.
We still have responsibilites as parents etc.
5. Permission! I have in a round about manner given him full permission to NOT BE INTIMATE, TO NOT FEEL RESPONSIBLE TO ENGAGE IN INTIMATE ACTIVITIES, and to take time to deal with what he has going on in his head. If he does reach out to me, I respond in a very natural manner- not shock. A lot of this has to do with state of mind, and I have to be ready for ANYTHING.
6. Resources!- I have casually made this forum available to him (which he bookmarked all by himself!) and I bought VICTIMS NO LONGER, which I mentioned I left in a bag on his dresser. I want him to feel empowered.
7. Assurance!- I let him know daily I love him, that he is the man for me, and that we are in it for better or worse. For the first time ever, I signed his card: Forever and ever, M
He knows how hard that was for me, as I have my own issues.
8. Lead by example!- Daily, he has seen strides in me to do what I commited to do, and without the pressure he was so afraid of. If he falls off the bandwagon, I stay on. That has made a HUGE difference. It is so tempting to fall into old patterns. I have made the choice to be the partner of a survior. I have made the choice to be his support person. If I fall apart, it is not infront of him...I call my best friend instead.
Dont get me wrong, I am human. I am just choosing the higher ground, and he is naturally following.
9. Freak out! Like I said above, it is refreshing to do this, and sometimes I engage in it daily....just becareful how and when and where.
10. Pray!- There is no way to get through this with out it! With it, he and I are capable of becoming an unstoppable force. Which takes us back to goals.

I dont know if this will help, but just remember.....
We all have 'something' we need to over come. This happens to be what you need to over come with your partner. With the RIGHT tools, nothing is impossible! Just remember, your attitude in dealing with this is going to heavily influence him.

xo

 

[SAR]

Ian

In my relationship I was the "doer"-- my boyfriend did things, he went to work, had his own hobbies and friends, but when it came time to make a family decision, or for one of us to handle something difficult, I always did that. When we had trouble with a landlord, I made all the phone calls and eventually found us a new place. I planned our trips and the kids' parties.

My words were so much like yours when I first came here-- until his SA there was never a problem I couldn't DO something about. And I kept hearing "listen, step back, let him know you'll be there when he asks..."

Well that's not DOING anything! Just be there, okay, I'll just be there, I'm there, but while I'm there, what am I supposed to DO?

beautifuldisaster calls it patience, and it is, but it's more than patience. It's also trust. I didn't start out as the "doer" because I didn't trust him-- it happened over time, because I function most effectively in crisis and he doesn't, because it felt safe and useful for me to be in charge, and because he was relieved when I took charge--I think in some ways I picked up on his lack of trust in himself-- but by the time he disclosed it was pretty scary for me to imagine him deciding anything "for us" all on his own.

Both of us fed that in our relationship, and both of us have to starve it now. Which is good because as much as both of us fell into that pattern because it felt familiar, both of us were getting to resent it too.

That was what I "did" while I was waiting around and being there-- I tried to understand what about me made me so resistant and afraid of not taking care of this for him.