Having difficulty releasing negative feelings..
NeverGiveUp23
Registrant
I was abused as a 4 year old boy by a much older female babysitter she was approx. 16-18. In the years following my abuse, I had extreme anger issues and was hospitalized 2 times for a total of 6 weeks as a child. Ages 5 and 7 I believe. Growing up our house was very dysfunctional, a lot of domestic violence, no boundaries, and we were in foster care 3 times. With all of that being said, I told my parents about the abuse, but was never gotten any help. Between the ages of 6 and 8 or so, I acted out what was done to me with other kids my age, 2 boys and 3 girls I believe. And then around the age of 9 or 10, I realized it shouldn't have happened and I told my mom, who chalked it up as experimenting, which now I know wasn't the case, because my abuse is what taught me that act.
I had some anxiety issues as a teenager, but managed to date females ever since I was 8, but I remember having "girlfriends" as young as kindergarten. I was a cutter in high school for a while but never really knew why, just that it made me feel better. That phase passed after one hospitalization.
I began having flashbacks and PTSD symptoms in Sept of 2012, and have been fighting it ever since. I am now 25. I have come a long way but the major places where I am hung up is how the abuse and acting out fits in my sexuality, and also, feeling comfortable enough and trusting enough in others and myself to form close relationships with other people.
The one person who I acted out with was my brother who is a year and a half younger, and it was only a one time thing when I was like 6 or 7. I know I didn't know what we were doing, just that it had happened to me. And he came out to me that he was gay at the age of 19. And because of the one occurrence as children I blame myself for his sexuality. Now, I will also mention that he was always a mommys boy, and he lacked a good relationship with our father. Our father would often call him gay and a sissy and stuff growing up as kids, because I guess my brother just always seemed different, not to me because we were always close, as we went through a lot together. But because of the abuse and acting out that followed, and dealing with it as an adult, it has made me kind of homophobic in the sense of, fearing that I made him that way, and also that I could turn that way, although I have no desire to be sexual with men, I fear the possibility of it happening again because it was traumatic, but have no desire or want to do anything with another male. But the fact that I acted out as a child with a couple other boys, I feel like it has damaged my ability to be considered exclusively heterosexual, because of those actions under the age of 10. Like somehow those occurrences "qualify" me as being "less than" or keeps me from being totally straight, because straight men don't do those things with other males. Although we were children, and nothing has happened beyond those couple occurrences. And also that if others knew what I went through they would think I am "less than" or that I'm gay, which keeps me from disclosing my story or doing outreach work that I would like to do.
One last thing I want to mention is how uncomfortable it has made me in my skin, prior to facing all of this if I was asked if another man was handsome or attractive or knew of any good looking friends of mine for a girlfriends friend, or even mentioning admiring another male for his athletic ability or another positive quality I felt no pressure or shame in saying so, which you hear a lot of straight men, say that other men are handsome and what not and it is no big deal. But since facing my abuse and everything I have lost that free going ability to think or state those things without feeling like it means something about me, or without it causing some kind of anxiety. Part of it being is thinking or feeling like if you're exclusively straight, then noticing others of the same sex as attractive takes away from that or jeopardizes your sexuality. When really it is just a matter of noticing good looks or nice build or something like that, totally physical, nothing sexual or erotic about it. Which logically makes sense because you hear females say much more graphic things about other women, and nothing is thought of it because its "normal". Now prior to facing my abuse, I didn't have these issues, I wasn't homophobic, even if hit on by a gay guy (which I had been by one of my ex-fiances gay guy friends), I would simply say "thank you" but I am straight or laugh it off. And I hate the fact that dealing with the delayed PTSD and affects of my abuse has shaken up my life so much, and made me so uncomfortable and fearful. It has altered my ability to have close guy friends (which I had a lot of close friends in HS) which I have read homophobia will do that, but I want that to change because that's not how I used to be and I don't want this to affect my life and relationships because that would make for a lonely life but I have had difficulty feeling comfortable getting close to anyone really. My fiance is a great woman and we talk some, but I haven't disclosed my brother being someone I acted out with, because of the shame and sense of responsibility I feel I hold.
I was just looking for some tips or feedback on how my abuse and its affects have shaken up my life. I want to get to the point to where I can go around speaking to kids and educating people on the topic but just feel I need to be comfortable enough with my story before I can do those things effectively. And I want to have children somewhat soon, but don't want my abuse or the aftermath to affect my bonding with them. So if anyone has any positive feedback please feel free to share it and I appreciate your time & wish all of you well.
God Bless
I had some anxiety issues as a teenager, but managed to date females ever since I was 8, but I remember having "girlfriends" as young as kindergarten. I was a cutter in high school for a while but never really knew why, just that it made me feel better. That phase passed after one hospitalization.
I began having flashbacks and PTSD symptoms in Sept of 2012, and have been fighting it ever since. I am now 25. I have come a long way but the major places where I am hung up is how the abuse and acting out fits in my sexuality, and also, feeling comfortable enough and trusting enough in others and myself to form close relationships with other people.
The one person who I acted out with was my brother who is a year and a half younger, and it was only a one time thing when I was like 6 or 7. I know I didn't know what we were doing, just that it had happened to me. And he came out to me that he was gay at the age of 19. And because of the one occurrence as children I blame myself for his sexuality. Now, I will also mention that he was always a mommys boy, and he lacked a good relationship with our father. Our father would often call him gay and a sissy and stuff growing up as kids, because I guess my brother just always seemed different, not to me because we were always close, as we went through a lot together. But because of the abuse and acting out that followed, and dealing with it as an adult, it has made me kind of homophobic in the sense of, fearing that I made him that way, and also that I could turn that way, although I have no desire to be sexual with men, I fear the possibility of it happening again because it was traumatic, but have no desire or want to do anything with another male. But the fact that I acted out as a child with a couple other boys, I feel like it has damaged my ability to be considered exclusively heterosexual, because of those actions under the age of 10. Like somehow those occurrences "qualify" me as being "less than" or keeps me from being totally straight, because straight men don't do those things with other males. Although we were children, and nothing has happened beyond those couple occurrences. And also that if others knew what I went through they would think I am "less than" or that I'm gay, which keeps me from disclosing my story or doing outreach work that I would like to do.
One last thing I want to mention is how uncomfortable it has made me in my skin, prior to facing all of this if I was asked if another man was handsome or attractive or knew of any good looking friends of mine for a girlfriends friend, or even mentioning admiring another male for his athletic ability or another positive quality I felt no pressure or shame in saying so, which you hear a lot of straight men, say that other men are handsome and what not and it is no big deal. But since facing my abuse and everything I have lost that free going ability to think or state those things without feeling like it means something about me, or without it causing some kind of anxiety. Part of it being is thinking or feeling like if you're exclusively straight, then noticing others of the same sex as attractive takes away from that or jeopardizes your sexuality. When really it is just a matter of noticing good looks or nice build or something like that, totally physical, nothing sexual or erotic about it. Which logically makes sense because you hear females say much more graphic things about other women, and nothing is thought of it because its "normal". Now prior to facing my abuse, I didn't have these issues, I wasn't homophobic, even if hit on by a gay guy (which I had been by one of my ex-fiances gay guy friends), I would simply say "thank you" but I am straight or laugh it off. And I hate the fact that dealing with the delayed PTSD and affects of my abuse has shaken up my life so much, and made me so uncomfortable and fearful. It has altered my ability to have close guy friends (which I had a lot of close friends in HS) which I have read homophobia will do that, but I want that to change because that's not how I used to be and I don't want this to affect my life and relationships because that would make for a lonely life but I have had difficulty feeling comfortable getting close to anyone really. My fiance is a great woman and we talk some, but I haven't disclosed my brother being someone I acted out with, because of the shame and sense of responsibility I feel I hold.
I was just looking for some tips or feedback on how my abuse and its affects have shaken up my life. I want to get to the point to where I can go around speaking to kids and educating people on the topic but just feel I need to be comfortable enough with my story before I can do those things effectively. And I want to have children somewhat soon, but don't want my abuse or the aftermath to affect my bonding with them. So if anyone has any positive feedback please feel free to share it and I appreciate your time & wish all of you well.
God Bless
or post again here. In the meantime I just wanted you to know that you are certainly not alone in the things you expressed above.
