Having a "moment" in a public place (*triggers*)

Having a "moment" in a public place (*triggers*)
E

EGL

Registrant
I went to the gym the other night, and was on the treadmill watching the TV on the wall that was right in front of me. There was a police drama show on (don't know which one, never seen it before). Anyway, a small girl about 6 was in it who had been sexually molested. The female detective was talking to her about it. The little girl was crying and traumatized.

As I was watching this, I felt myself becoming very anxious and noticed myself changing. My mind was numbing out the voice of the TV to where I no longer heard it, and I felt tunnel vision begin to close in my peripheral vision and I started feeling faint. Although I knew where I was (on the treadmill), I literally felt the presense of my brother on top of me again, doing it. Finally, after a moment shook it off and stepped off of the treadmill because I was afraid I was going to pass out or something and make a spectacle of myself. I gathered my water and keys and left.

I've never had anything like this happen. Before, I've remembered things from that time, but NEVER like they were actually, literally happening again. Am I losing my mind? To put it mildly, this scared the shit out of me.
 
I know the feeling. And I don't know if you're losing your mind, since I ain't really sure about my own. ;)

I do know that it's frightening beyond belief to have flashbacks like that. I'm sure you know all the techniques I do, like counting or singing or refocusing on different objects. If not, you might want to try those. I figure singing may make me look a little strange, but breaking down in tears will look a lot worse.

When I'm alone, I just try to accept the flashback and process it. But I've also been in public and had them when it's really a nightmare.

Sometimes none of it works. Those times it's just a horrible experience.
 
I'll bet that's Law and Order, SVU (Special Victims Unit). They have a lot of stories like that. I like that type of show but I got hit by that one badly a couple of times and can't watch it anymore.
 
I too can't watch any of this stuff, it is bad enough it goes on, without it being constantly shown, especially when it is the storyline of a soap..Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Sorry it spoiled your night at the gym, I was in the barbers one day and heard something on the radio there about a pedo case, my legs start to shake incontrollably and I hope nobody notices, I really just want to head for the door.

I really hate it when I can't numb it out, as the damage is done at the very start of the bulletin when that word is said.

So you're not the only one going mad

take care

ste
 
Eddie,

All of my coworkers had been talking about the movie, "Pulp Fiction". They said it was excellent and couldn't believe I hadn't seen it, yet. Well, I knew it was going to be a violent film, and for the most part it really was a great movie. The dialogue is incredible.

That being said, I was totally not prepared for the rape scene. I was in bed watching this movie and when the rape scene was going on, all I could think of was, "This is how it looked when you were raped!" complete with the pistol and everything. It was totally dark when I was raped, so actually I have no idea or desire to know how "it" looked. But that's what I was thinking the entire time.

I didn't realize it until my hands were aching that I had both fists clinched so tight until my fingernails, which are kept trimmed, had dug into the flesh of my palms and my knuckles were completely white. My hands were asleep for hours afterwards. I thought "Mystic River" was bad, but at least I knew what to expect. I wasnt prepared for this movie. I guess it was actually a small part in the movie, I had never heard anyone talk about that part, but it is the only part that really sticks out in my mind.

I told my wife about my rape about 5 yrs ago. I felt dirty and ashamed watching it with her. She must have sensed this because she made a point of reaching over and patting me on the thigh.

You know? the little warning in the disclaimer they give you on the cover of the DVD or at the beginning of the TV program doesn't quite do it for me. Don't get me wrong...I'm totally against censorship, but I think sometimes they should make the warnings a little more informative.

If these few movies make me that uncomfortable, can you even imagine the discomfort that women, who have been raped, must feel? Male-on-female rape is on TV and in the movies all the time.

I dunno, I guess Im showing my age, and I don't want you guys thinking I'm some sort of prude, but I don't think it would hurt to beef up the warnings on "entertainment".
 
Rich,
Pulp Fiction is one of mine favourite movies. I knew that would be violent like all Tarantino's movies but I didn't expect such brutal rape scene.
It is really terrible. I think that it is not possible to be prepared for scene like that.
Sometimes is incredible how much violence do we watch everyday on TV and other medias.

Ivo
 
Eddie,

it has been rare for me, but I have had full 'melt down' in public, even while working. It seems more often I would just become anxious and 'switch' off to another, better adjusted 'other' to deal with the moment. But sometime every coping mechanism will fail us, and then I have had total panic and 'freak out' in public, brought on by a trigger such as yours, or even seemingly nothing at all. Please know that you are not abnormal, and it will not always be so triggering. It still is quite new and 'raw' for you. Go easy with yourself.

leosha
 
eddie and others,

i block all that out of my life.

my t tells me to do things that will cause me comfort and avoid doinng things that will cause me pain.

i did see pulp fiction but saw it before my depression and "coming out" with my csa. i don't even rememb er it much.

however, when t.v shows, crime dramas mainly show kids molested or suffering, i change the channel.

as for mystic river, some have said it was good. just from the previews, i knew to stay away from it. i am not strong enought to watch it.

even songs trigger me someitmes, mainly with relationship depression or the songs i heard in 1972 and 1973 while i was being abused.

i change those channels too. i even did it last week driving to fla to see family.

take care, guy
 
This happened to me recently. I was watching this new movie "Woman Thou Art Loosed" with my wife. In it, a girl is molested by her mother's boyfriend and her mother doesn't believe her. I immediately went back to my childhood and my awful experience and how I couldn't tell my mother because I knew she wouldn't believe it. I cried, and cried, in the movie and even hypervenilated at one point. I knew it was time to talk to my wife. I was scared because I didn't want her to think less of me. And I really didn't want to go into any details or anything, but I felt that she needed to know. Maybe one day, I'll give her more details. But I'm glad that she knows. I feel better
 
i saw that movie. as the little girl was being brutalized, i just wept. i got up and left the room, and my wife asked where i was going. i told her i couldnt watch. i watched man on fire yesterday, and when they kidnapped the little girl, i had problems. i find even non-sexual abuse triggering now. any violence or neglect against children is hard for me.
 
"Having a "moment" in a public"

A number of years ago some friends took me to see the movie The Prince of Tides.

When the scene came on (which I was not warned about) with the boy being raped, his pants being split open with the knife, I think I gasped/shrieked , jumped up and bolted out of the theater. Thankfully, that scene is edited when its shown on TV.
 
I had a really bad time watching the Movie.

Life as a House. The scene that really made me go squirrely is when the young man gets it the car with the older guy to have sex for money. He was put up to it by his friend. God I knew it was coming because I have been there and the dialogue gave me plenty of time to avoid it but I was frozen and could not move. It was as if time stood still. What really pissed me off was the hollywood ending with the young man getting even by threatening to go public. Just like em to put a happy ending twirl to it. If only they knew what it was like to actually get into a car for the purposes of sex for cash and what it does to you.
 
There are two films that I find difficult:

I remember going to the cinema with a friend to watch Sleepers (before anyone knew I had been abused). When the kids are raped in Prison I just remember freezing & being terrified that the lights would suddenly come on & everyone would see my face.

The other one was a British film called Scum - again there are some violent male rape scenes in this film.

Be careful if you watch either of these.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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