having a hard time

[midnight51]

i've been having a hard time lately. i'm at home from college and been hanging out with some old friends and that is fun... but when i'm alone i drive myself insane. i get headaches all the time... it feels like it's so hard just to integrate this into my life... i feel completely lost, i feel like i have no idea who i am anymore it's so crazy and it's driving me insane... either i can't sleep at all or i sleep all the time.. and when i do sleep i have crazy dreams

 

[The Dean]

Midnight5q1, what you describe are the things we have almost all experienced. I think it is a part of having been traumatized.

Suggestions made to me at times like that was that I keep close to my friends, and that I get involved with as much hard exercise as I can so that I truly tire out my over tensed body. Both of those helped me.

I sure wish you did not have to go through this.

Can I just say something about who you are, even though we have only met here?

You are a man, you are a man who has endured bodily insult that none of us should ever have to endure, you are a survivor who has not given up, has not quit and is not a loser.

I suspect that you are also a very lieable guy. thoughtful of others. You have the courage to face yourself and your past and you have the strength to get intimate with us. Because, talking about these things is as intimate as life gets.

You are a friend that folks apparentoly like to have around. And you are a friend to them.

Finally, for me, you are a bit of a hero.

I hope that this helps a little in your wondering about who you are.

Bob

 

[midnight51]

I don't understand this at all... my life was so fine before I tried to confront this... well it wasn't exactly cake, but at least it was safe. i feel so heavy right now... i get so hot at times and full of fear... afraid of everything. like i want to curl up into a ball and cry and have absolutely no one around... because i feel like if someone were around or if i did break down and someone actually comforted me... i would lose myself. i feel like i'm so small and so meaningless and weak and its like i'm trying so hard to dig down into myself and find something there but it feels so empty... i've been panicing a lot... like i pace back and forth and am in complete terror and one time no one was home and it happened and i just ended up collapsing to the ground in the kitchen and crying... this is so so hard..

 

[outis]

Midnight51,

I think I know what you mean. I never had anything like a panic attack. I didn't have nightmares, or even dreams. Flashbacks were for war veterans. Until last year.

What's happening to you is normal for what you went through. My T described my description of things like this as "reliving the experience, but feeling it this time." If you found ways to escape the feelings during and after the abuse, they're still there waiting to be felt and expressed.

I try to take hope in the fact that nothing in remembering or feeling will be as bad as the actual abuse itself, and the abuse is over. It doesn't make me feel better, actually, but it does help me believe that I'll get through this.

Hang in there,

Joe

 

[wrangler]

Midnight and Joe,

I completely understand what you guys are talking about. I live alone right now, and although I have a few people to talk to on the phone, there is no one to come see me. The people I trust life far away. Living alone is doing a lot to/for me right now. When I am home the only thing I have to be afraid of is me. That imparts a feeling of security to me and that feeling of security relaxes my defenses. I found this forum a few days ago and it turns out that was the last piece I needed to connect with my past and the abuse.

Turns out that connection unleashed a torrent of memories on me. The torrents come in excruciating waves of painful flashbacks. It is like a series of disjointed images, emotions, and even some physical sensations. It is extremely unpleasant but there is one thing good about it. It is as real as it gets. Joe is right, it is not as bad as the actual abuse, but close. But the abuse is over and I will never ever let it happen again.

In this state I cant really stand actual in-the-person human contact. I meet with a therapist who helps me develop healthy coping strategies, I talk to people on the phone, and I purge my mind in this forum. Thats all that feels safe to me now and I dont expect to be in the mood to accommodate unsafe things anytime soon.

George

 

[Leosha]

I am real sorry you are having a hard time. I can relate of some of what you say, I often feel I am going crazy, and do not sleep so much. I wish I had some answers for you. All I can say is I can relate and udnerstand. I am sorry, I know that is not good. Please try to be safe.

leosha