having a hard time again.

[lipsticklullabies]

it seens that all the stressful things that happen in my life, tend to build up over a certian period. like, three big things will happen at the same time, and then i'll be okay for a while, until i realize ive been okay and then everything seens to go wrong again.

my grandmas sick..real sick..she might die.. shes real old..my moms very upset..im not close to her but im upset for my mom and death scares me..my friend, whose a counsler told me that im afraid to face another loss, because "ive suffered to many"

i have the flu, and didnt realize i wasn't well enough to go to work until about a half hour before and so i left a message because no one answered and aplogized a lot, and then my manager called back and bitched at me.
i have odd, and ocd, going to an unfamilier setting where im uncomfortable and alone is very very hard for me. i get so stressed about it i pysically get sick. so on top of having the flu today, the stress of my grandma and everything was just to much.
after my manager called to bitch at me i just lost it.
i haven't taken my antidepressents in a week.
i feel like i wanna lay at the bottom of a pool, idk
it makes me feel better to know that i might be getting a better job. that deals with writing. i might get a job with the newspaper, that would be amazing. but, i haven't heard back yet
i dont even know if its a paying job. i doubt it is.
i just have this horrible feeling that tonight i wont be able to sleep and
everything "he" did to me is gonna come back.
and its gonna make everything a million times worse.
i wanna go to that rape crisis center that my doctor gave me the number too but i know i need therapy for more than just that.
i need so much help

i cant even think straight right now
i dont know the point of this post.
pray for my grandma? please..
tips on how to cope?
thanks,
//josh

 

[roadrunner]

Josh,

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother and my prayers will be with you all. These times are very difficult, I know. When a grandparent falls ill that's often the first time a teenager has to think about death seriously, and yes, it's very scary.

It's okay to feel you need so much help, and it's also understandable you would fear that with everything else apparently falling apart around you, the things "he" did will come back too. And I can guess at the point of your post: right now you are feeling VERY alone and afraid with no one to talk to.

I know your mom must seem to have a lot of her own things to worry about right now, so perhaps you don't want to bother her. But how you feel is important and I hope you will go to her and tell her you need to talk. It doesn't matter how it comes out - just let it all out, tell her how you feel, and ask for her help. I still ask for my mother's help sometimes, and I'm 57!

If you can talk about things here you will also find you get a lot of support and understanding. We are scattered all over cyberspace, sure, but at least you will not feel so alone. Whatever you need to say, just say it, exactly as you did in your post here.

One final idea: try not to dwell on all your problems at once. Look at them one at a time and perhaps some solutions will come to mind. Your job, for example. Your manager was jagged because you called only a half hour ahead of time; he had no chance to get someone to replace you, so sure, his first reaction would be to get pissed off. But think back to your conversation with him. Did he understand that you are ill and upset about a lot of things? Did he seem to calm down after he got the idea. If there is still a problem, perhaps if your Mom rang him she could help to explain the situation.

About sleeping tonight, try to think of some positive things that would help you. Leaving a small light on? Do you have any cool stuffed animals? Don't think they're just for little kids: lots of us have them! Do you have any things in your room that make you feel happy and safe? If so, keep them by your bed.

And again, tell your Mom what you are feeling. It helps a lot when you don't feel you have to endure these things all alone.

It is NOT stupid at all to have these scared feelings at the age of 17, by the way. A lot of adults get the same scared feelings, Josh, and for the same reasons.

Like I said, you aren't alone.

Much love,
Larry