Having a hard day

Vulkadlok

Registrant
More like a hard couple months. I don't have my regular therapy appointment cause he is getting married this week so I thought I would come vent on Here a bit, hopefully no one minds.
I'm having a hard time with my girlfriend. I have such a hard time because I just want sex all the time even though it really isn't full filling, like I'm trying to feel something that I can't. Sometimes I even hear my grandmothers voice in my head. Abusing me and then telling me that I'm the disgusting one because I'm a male. Its been particularly bad lately for some reason, I'm not sure why. I'm stressing my girlfriend out asking about sex everyday or even twice a day. I start to have this weird panic if we dont have sex for a couple days, even if I don't really want to. I've even started thinking about hooking up with guys again like I have in the past. Its not really what I want but at least it is a sexual experience that doesn't trigger my abuse from women. I'm not even sure I have a question to ask, I'm just having a particularly hard time right now and wish so bad that I could enjoy sex like I want to, to actually feel connected to a women physically without horrible guilt and shame.
This next part might be triggering for some I don't know but
I'm glad my grandmother is dead, and I'm glad she died alone and in pain in a nursing home with everyone hating her, she deserved it. I don't know if Anyone can offer advice or words of encouragement, or if this sounds familiar to anyone, but thanks for letting me vent, I really don't talk about this to anyone but my therapist, and on here occasionally. My girlfriend gets too emotional when I talk about it, she's trying to help but most of the time makes it worse.
 
Perhaps you need to find another outlet for your energies other than through sex. (Gym, volunteer, go for a walk, fins a hobby, etc.)
 

Vulkadlok

Registrant
All great ideas, I've actually been thinking i need to occupy my time more. I spend way too much time thinking, I do need to find a hobby.
 
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