Have you told your story to anyone?

Belram

Registrant
Hey,

I'm wondering who you found yourself being comfortable with enough to open up to them.

I know accepting ourselves in our stories unconditionally is essential to healing.

And that if we need external support, opening up to someone who would accept us as we have been without judging us is the only way to safely process it all.

My mind can imagine multiple scenarios where we can ultimately be in a safe environment that supports us with letting our bodies process our sexual trauma(s) experiences.

Yet the delicacy of the process makes success stories invaluable.

If you shared your story and are willing to share your successful experience , can you?

If you find yourself unsure of what to share, short shares would still be helpful, such as:

What relationship have you had with this person? Were they a friend? a family member? a therapist? a community member here? Etc...

Thanks!
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
First told my first ever therapist at my first ever individual therapy meeting. Unfortunately she was a quack - told me what had happened forty years prior as a boy of 11 could have no effect on me as an adult established in my profession at that point for almost thirty years. She also allowed my then wife to sit in on that first session and a couple after without my permission or consent - I later found her license was first suspended and then permanently revoked in my state based on others complaints but I knew no better.

It took almost three more years before I shared my truth with ANYONE else. That was an adult Sunday School group at a social gathering. About 12 people and it could not have gone better. They all continue to love and support me even though I can no longer worship and study with them. Several of them call, text or email if I don't reach out to them regularly just to see how I am doing. From their supportive base I next shared with my adult children who have also been VERY supportive and have shared more and more - even doing a panel at an Evening of Recovery in 2019.

I still have not told my 99 yo father (perp that groomed me and furnished me to the area scout exec was his childhood friend and elder in my parents church) or my surviving brother...I am not sure of their reaction and Dad at 99 has battled depression as it is for at least as long as I carried the guilt and shame instilled by the perp to control me and other scouts so we would not tell. It is easier to tell strangers than them.
 

Wharf_Rat

Registrant
I've told three therapists my story. The first one was a little over two years ago, in March 2019, and she didn't take me very seriously. She didn't seem to believe that sexual abuse of boys was such a big deal. I saw the second therapist in December of 2019. She took me sereiously, but said she couldn't help me during our second session, in January 2020. Later that month, I first saw my current therapist. She took me seriously and helps me. I've told several old friends, my sister and brother-in-law. I will never tell my mother. She's too old now. My abuse happened 52 years ago.

I've gone into detail only with the therapists. I also wrote out the story in a word document two months ago, going into more detail than ever, and emailed it to my therapist. I later read it out loud to her. I've emailed it to the author of the book "Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse" and to a woman who is conducting a survey of male survivors.

I want to post my story on this website, but I don't know how.
 

Wharf_Rat

Registrant
First told my first ever therapist at my first ever individual therapy meeting. Unfortunately she was a quack - told me what had happened forty years prior as a boy of 11 could have no effect on me as an adult established in my profession at that point for almost thirty years. She also allowed my then wife to sit in on that first session and a couple after without my permission or consent - I later found her license was first suspended and then permanently revoked in my state based on others complaints but I knew no better.

It took almost three more years before I shared my truth with ANYONE else. That was an adult Sunday School group at a social gathering. About 12 people and it could not have gone better. They all continue to love and support me even though I can no longer worship and study with them. Several of them call, text or email if I don't reach out to them regularly just to see how I am doing. From their supportive base I next shared with my adult children who have also been VERY supportive and have shared more and more - even doing a panel at an Evening of Recovery in 2019.

I still have not told my 99 yo father (perp that groomed me and furnished me to the area scout exec was his childhood friend and elder in my parents church) or my surviving brother...I am not sure of their reaction and Dad at 99 has battled depression as it is for at least as long as I carried the guilt and shame instilled by the perp to control me and other scouts so we would not tell. It is easier to tell strangers than them.
It's great that you have that support group! I'm happy for you for that.
 

MO-Survivor

Staff member
From my Survivor Story:

While in High School we had a kick-a** school counselor. Awesome Christian man. He spun up a class with the drama teacher (which was a very odd combination) they called Peer Counseling. They brought students from all walks of life together with two goals in mind: 1) teach us how to relate with a diverse group of people, and 2) we had the chance to be Peer "Teachers" too - mentoring elementary kids and making use of the skills we were being taught (things like reflective listening, etc.). Between my relationship with him, plus some events with girls that made me ask a lot of questions (my best friend was as horny as they come; he set us up with some equally horny girls one night and we proceeded to make out in the car; problem was, I didn't feel anything but the same feelings I had during those times of CSA - trapped, violated, etc.), I finally got the nerve to tell my school counselor what had happened to me. So in my Junior year of high school, I confided in him what had happened. He was so kind and understanding. He suggested I get counseling and recommended a psychologist for me to see. Empowered to finally tell someone, I was determined to see out the suggested counseling.​

When I went to college… I saw something in the bulletin about a private abuse / neglect shelter for kids and volunteering. I was intrigued. So as a freshman, with no transportation of my own, I called this shelter and asked how I could get involved volunteering. They took me right on as a volunteer…. The house parents (9-10 years older than me) at the shelter were so loving, and so kind. Compassionate, passionate about God, and great role models. At some point early on, I shared my history with them. I remember we had to do yes or no questions for me to feel okay about telling them. Our friendship grew more and more, and deeper. They are eternally my friends. I can NEVER repay what they did for me. How they loved me. How they poured into me. How they re-parented me without even trying - just being who they are. I think about the times when I wanted to cut off the relationship out of unwarranted frustration... they just patiently just kept loving me. They made me a part of their family - giving me the chance to love them back and love on their kids.​
 

Dan99

Registrant
I told my story first to an investigator for child protective services when I would have been 24 or so. He was investigating the perp who molested me for another case. It was past the statute of limitations for my case, but I spoke to him in the hope that it would stop the perp. I don't believe it did much good. The investigator was a good listener and sympathetic, but in the end he gave me what turned out to be bad advice. He said to just forget it and put it in the past, as I seemed to be doing well as a young adult. I took his advice and regret it.

I told my story to two girlfriends. The first, when I was 25, just quietly distanced herself from me. I suspect the abuse was part of the reason why, though I'm not sure. The second, Karen, was very sympathetic. I was 28 and, like me, she was a drug addict. One of her final actions before her family intervened and took her home to get her sober, was to make sure I had some help. It was the first time someone who knew about the abuse actually treated me with kindness and I will always love her for it. I'll also always love her father and brother for rescuing her and helping me. Others knew. My brother, obviously, since he was abused with me. He moved as far away as he could, undoubtedly to try to handle his own trauma. There were police and teachers and priests and of course other perps who all knew or had very strong suspicions. They all shied away. They wanted nothing to do with it. I suppose they thought I wanted what was happening or just didn't want to even think about it.

I told parts of the story to the group (SNAP) that was organizing to sue the Catholic Church at one of their meetings when I was about 35. Honestly, it was the most frightening experience of my life when I told that room of about 40 people I had been molested. I barely remember it except the blood rushing in my ears and almost fainting. They were sympathetic but it was not the right forum.

Finally, I sought out a therapist referral through Mike Lew's office when I was about 40. I told him and he understood. And it was a great help in trying to get my head right.

All this is a long way of getting to my advice. I'd suggest finding a therapist and if at all possible one who specializes in survivors of childhood abuse. As others have pointed out, it can be tough to find a generalist who understands. Best of luck.
 

Belram

Registrant
You are all amazing, and your stories are powerful! I'm truly happy for y'all, and wish you best of luck on your path of healing.

Thank you for your input.

I think contemplating can help.
I've seen therapists and none of them had a clue what the emotional and psychological abuse I've gone through in my childhood and adolscence even means.
Whether they dismissed it or laughed at a detail I mentioned (my mother used tactics which were at times funny to her as well as effective with instilling intense fears in me and compulsive obedience to her, to say the least).
I tried over 6 therapists during the past 13 years or so. All counter-productive.
This inhibits my willingness to open up to any therapist again. So I kind of went, and still going, through my healing journey alone in a way and thankfully It has been quite successful to a degree. I remembered and understood so much of the abuse and abandonment...the brainwashing and manipulations.. and naturally grieved so much this past year.

SA is different in a way though. It's like a culmination of it all with the intensity of anxiety that kicks in as soon as I begin allowing myself to re-experience what I felt in the safety of my present.

So far it seems like keeping an open mind towards other possibilities is viable.

Thank you all for showing that there is support out there with this. Your stories give hope.
 
It is sad so many therapists are unprepared to work with sexual trauma in men. I spent six and a half years with a fine clinical psychologist in my forties but trauma was not well understood in the 1980's, and developmental theory was still much influenced by Freudian theories. But things are changing. Therapists are now often trained in Internal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. Bessel van der Kolk's powerful book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in Healing Trauma helps everyone understand what happens to the brain when trauma is present.

Since I didn't remember what happened, the story unfolded in a process that continued for many years and involved many therapists. In terms of telling about my past, which included the sexual abuse, of course, but more importantly that sexual acting out that was clearly rooted in the trauma... it wasn't until last year that I told two women friends, both of whom had trauma in their past. I was received with great kindness and love, for which I'm eternally grateful. I also have told parts of my journey here for the first time... including the experiences of crossdressing that began when I was 12 years old which led to years of breaking into homes and finally being arrested. It was one of the most frightening things I've done... telling men here about that behavior which was laced with shame. I also have a close relationship with my former wife and have gradually, over time, revealed all of my past to her. There have been moments of angst, but all in all we've done some wonderful healing work together... and continue to do so.

I wouldn't give up on therapy but I would be very careful in selecting someone with whom to work. I would not accept a simple assertion that a person works with child sexual abuse. I'd want to know more about their training. The therapist with whom I was working before COVID shut things down I found through the Somatic Experiencing website. Not all SE therapists are equal, however, but they work with the body, which is where we tend to carry the residue of trauma. Here's a link to their therapist directory...

Somatic Experiencing Therapist Directory
 
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Dolphin42

Registrant
I call this a success only because my CSA finally revealed.

Many months ago after some unsettling dissociation in life, I found a new T and my csa revealed itself to me and my new T over a number of sessions, with some filling in the blanks between sessions with various flashbacks.

For me, it all made sense, every life long struggle of mine was much clearer as to why.

The unsuccessful parts: my T hasn't handled it well. I altered during a session with T, presented little me at the age just after I got turned in to a hypersexual child. T seemed to discount it and minimize the whole thing later on, "it happens to a lot of men". And now, though T seems to play along I don't think I'm believed at all. I'm not comfortable opening up to T about it more, but I need help and don't have another T lined up yet, so I put aside some comfort and share just enough in the hopes of healing in the circumstances with my T.
 
Sounds as though your therapist is out of his depth D42 and doesn't know what to do with your revelations. Definitely, you need to move on. What you're uncovering is precious and essential for your healing. It seems your journey has been similar to mine... not remembering until the whole thing becomes clear when revealed in therapy. I too felt profound relief when the trauma was acknowledged. My life up to that point had been filled with shame and confusion. Knowing the truth was a relief. Take exquisite care of yourself my friend.
 

betrayed boy

Staff member
I've told three therapists my story. The first one was a little over two years ago, in March 2019, and she didn't take me very seriously. She didn't seem to believe that sexual abuse of boys was such a big deal. I saw the second therapist in December of 2019. She took me sereiously, but said she couldn't help me during our second session, in January 2020. Later that month, I first saw my current therapist. She took me seriously and helps me. I've told several old friends, my sister and brother-in-law. I will never tell my mother. She's too old now. My abuse happened 52 years ago.

I've gone into detail only with the therapists. I also wrote out the story in a word document two months ago, going into more detail than ever, and emailed it to my therapist. I later read it out loud to her. I've emailed it to the author of the book "Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse" and to a woman who is conducting a survey of male survivors.

I want to post my story on this website, but I don't know how.
hi Wharf_Rat you can post your story in the survivors story's forum.
 

betrayed boy

Staff member
It is sad so many therapists are unprepared to work with sexual trauma in men. I spent six and a half years with a fine clinical psychologist in my forties but trauma was not well understood in the 1980's, and developmental theory was still much influenced by Freudian theories. But things are changing. Therapists are now often trained in Internal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. Bessel van der Kolk's powerful book The Boy Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in Healing Trauma helps everyone understand what happens to the brain when trauma is present.

Since I didn't remember what happened, the story unfolded in a process that continued for many years and involved many therapists. In terms of telling about my past, which included the sexual abuse, of course, but more importantly that sexual acting out that was clearly rooted in the trauma... it wasn't until last year that I told two women friends, both of whom had trauma in their past. I was received with great kindness and love, for which I'm eternally grateful. I also have told parts of my journey here for the first time... including the experiences of crossdressing that began when I was 12 years old which led to years of breaking into homes and finally being arrested. It was one of the most frightening things I've done... telling men here about that behavior which was laced with shame. I also have a close relationship with my former wife and have gradually, over time, revealed all of my past to her. There have been moments of angst, but all in all we've done some wonderful healing work together... and continue to do so.

I wouldn't give up on therapy but I would be very careful in selecting someone with whom to work. I would not accept a simple assertion that a person works with child sexual abuse. I'd want to know more about their training. The therapist with whom I was working before COVID shut things down I found through the Somatic Experiencing website. Not all SE therapists are equal, however, but they work with the body, which is where we tend to carry the residue of trauma. Here's a link to their therapist directory...

Somatic Experiencing Therapist Directory
hi Visitor i may be mistaken but i think you left out the d in boy was it not the body keeps the score ?
 

Curtis0360

Registrant
I told alot of people at first when I was young, tried to fight back. I just wasn't strong enough. Plus people simply didn't believe what happened until years later. It was a very unusual situation and I felt so much shame that many times I recanted.


Sighs....


I sometimes wish that was the older me. He probably would have lost. Who knows?
 

betrayed boy

Staff member
the only one i felt safe enough to disclose to is my T and i still wont give some of the nastier details to her,, i have opened up in chat or when we had the healing circle here some time ago but never to anyone the nasty stuff just in general type talks
 
Amazing the things we've had to do to survive... all of them rooted in trauma. But we don't have to go there now... we have another way of caring for those tender parts of ourselves. We can talk about it with one another right here on the board.
 
Thanks betrayed boy... I changed the link. In the past this site has remembered the book title and I could simply copy and paste, but this time I had to type in the whole thing. Thanks for catching that. The book is important and yes, it is all in the body... as well as in the boy. :eek:
 

Brian76

Registrant
I have told my story to my wife and my mother. My grandmother was living with us the day I came home after the rape. She has since passed. I made the mistake of telling a person I thought was my best friend years ago and he has since used the information against me when we had a falling out. He spread the sory all over Facebook several years ago as a wayt o get back at me. I find it hard to tell people since.
 
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