Have you found people who validate you?

SubtleStuff

Registrant
Hi y'all,

I've been very slowly and very carefully reading Oprah's and Dr. Perry's recent book called "What Happened to You?" . It's been challenging because, although incredibly insightful, it triggers my anger regularly. It exposes the intense denial around the source of my health challenges which I experience from many sources, my mother being the most powerfully triggering. In the book they mention the importance of people who validate you as you pursue healing:

"Oprah: “What you are really looking for is somebody to reinforce the idea that “Hey, I’m not crazy. I’m thinking or feeling this way because something that happened to me, and I’m having a reasonable reaction. And that person validates that for you.”
Dr. Perry: “Exactly, and, in “seeing” you, they regulate you.” page 114"

Have you encountered people like this? I can think of only 2 people in twenty years who fit this description in my life. One told me that what my mother did to me was criminal. The other was shocked when I described the emotional context of my birth. Two therapists partially validated my experience even though they couldn't do much to help me. One said that I was the "Emotional football in my parents' battles", the other said that he was "amazed that I was still alive!". I wish I had more people available to me that can empathize with my pain. According to the book, it's crucial to healing. Have you had better luck than I?

Cheers,

Garth
 

G2Buddy

Registrant
I'm glad you have found a couple of people who have validated you and your situation. I know in my case, I've had trouble trusting people enough to talk about it.
 
I have a longtime friend who I spilled my guts to over my marital difficulties; he'd been divorced for some time, and is a great listener, validated my perspective. It was great therapy, actually.

I may meet up with him again this week to tell him about my self-discovery that I was wrong. And why.
 

HealingLink

Registrant
I've only recently started opening up about my CSA from over 30 years ago. I have one friend, whose in graduate school changing career to become a therapist, who is working hard to provide validation. He's not a CSA survivor but I can tell her cares nonetheless. I often feel like I'm going to scare him away. He just took a course on trauma which helps him provide empathy. I still feel great shame sharing all my stuff, but I'm told it's important to work through my story. That said, I'm finding it valuable to take the risk to reach out. Nobody wants to be in our shoes and I think it's just too painful to try for most people. My T tries as well and I'm convinced I must just keep doing the work. The temptation to hide is so strong since I've live there so long. I'm eager to read that book by Oprah and Dr. Perry as they seem to be spot on as to what I've needed for so long. The validation from this forum is sincere. Just one person providing validation is one more than I had a year ago. A year ago, I didn't even have the validation of the most important person I know - myself. That's progress in my book.
 

G2Buddy

Registrant
The temptation to hide is so strong
I know what you mean because it's difficult to talk about and there's the fear that, for me at least, if I open up too much to the people in my life that it'll scare them or they'll see me differently. Or I won't be me, I'll be the CSA guy.

Good luck and stay strong.
 

Dan99

Registrant
I'll be the CSA guy.

Exactly. That so often seems to be the choice. Sure, you can ask people for support, as long as you're ready to have them and anyone they might talk with view you as a victim now and forever more.

Tough, tough, tough.
 

focusedbody

Registrant
Subtle Stuff:

It may be that the understanding you are looking for is hard to find because it is so common for people to work around it.

Your image of the "emotional football" seems like an example.

I wonder if many people experience some form of triangulation. It can be difficult to unravel all of the dynamics involved. But only in unraveling can the picture emerge of a suffocating lack of space for growth.

I think compassion can be there, and ironically it can also be cultivated by compassion for oneself. So it is a kind of what goes around comes around phenomenon that can make it hard to know where to begin.

Hopefully you can slowly experience that and find the time to breathe. Fair witnesses may be there waiting for the right moment to say they understand.

FB
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
I'm in the process of reading this too. But my therapist doesnt want to read it during our sessions like it were audible.

The topic is so heavy that I can barely get theough the chapter. I wanted to read a chapter a month as a short goal--just can't being myself to do it.

>>>I have found people who validate me but I don't feel closer to them because of it. Moving certainly has its benefits becauae I can say whatever the fuck comes to mind to complete strangers, just to bullshit my way to the end of the day. That may sound "toxic" but my running-shoes fit quite comfortably, ty
 

KMCINVA

Staff member
"Oprah: “What you are really looking for is somebody to reinforce the idea that “Hey, I’m not crazy. I’m thinking or feeling this way because something that happened to me, and I’m having a reasonable reaction. And that person validates that for you.”
Dr. Perry: “Exactly, and, in “seeing” you, they regulate you.” page 114"

Have you encountered people like this? I can think of only 2 people in twenty years who fit this description in my life. One told me that what my mother did to me was criminal. The other was shocked when I described the emotional context of my birth. Two therapists partially validated my experience even though they couldn't do much to help me. One said that I was the "Emotional football in my parents' battles", the other said that he was "amazed that I was still alive!". I wish I had more people available to me that can empathize with my pain. According to the book, it's crucial to healing. Have you had better luck than I?

SubtleStuff

Validation is an important element in healing. When I first told of the abuse and attempted to heal I was living in an envirornment that was void of empathy or compassion and inflicted greater pain with their denial and torment. As I write this I see spit hurling at me, grease being thrown, being locked in an office as I was trying cope with the flashbacks and memories and the nights of struggling with flashbacks being told to shut up or making eerie noises. It was detrimental to my being and honestly still haunts me but does not control me. Once I left and surrounded myself with kind, loving and compassionate people I slowly began to heal. I was cautious because of what I lived prior to moving into a new envirornment--this fear slowed down my healing.

I learned gravitate toward people who can see their own imperfections, their own issues and accept no one lives the perfect life. Many of the former people believed they were above others and I could tell you stories of torment and abuse that the either lived or witnessed. Denial is the cause of pain and hurt. As a survivor I denied my abuse for decades.

As I told my story and met wonderful people and people who had been in my life I began to realize there are many wonderful and empathetic people in this world. It was my fear and self perceptions of myself that caused me to live in a vaccuum of denial and loneliness.

I am glad you are exploring validation of yourself and the abuse. Do not listen to the naysayers or those who speak ignorance of you or your abuse, for they are flawed like the rest of us but cannot admit they are flawed.

Keep going and validate yourself each day with one or two affirmations, you will slowly begin to believe and see the beauty in yourself.

Kevin
 
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Two people have been instrumental to validate me on my journey. My T has been incredible. He saw the emotional abuse I suffered before I was able to. For him to label it emotional abuse was validating.

Second has been my pastor at the mega church I started attending last year. He is one of these young, hip, good looking, charismatic pastors that people are drawn to. A few months after I met him he texted me asking if he could anonymously share part of my story in his Easter sermon that was broadcast on TV. I was stunned and felt my experience validated as I watched him preach. And then several months after that I received this email from him: "I love you. I told you months ago that your willingness to walk through your healing is as courageous as the men who stormed the beaches of Normandy. I mean that, and that statement isn’t hyperbole. Many men who are willing to face literal bullets are often unwilling to face past pain. The intangible battle takes another level of courage. Courageous people rarely feel like heroes, but it's their willingness to fight in that condition that's heroic. Thank you for being you." It was incredibly validating on a multiple levels. I have been so fortunate to have these two men and many others walk with me on this healing journey.
 

HealingLink

Registrant
Two people have been instrumental to validate me on my journey. My T has been incredible. He saw the emotional abuse I suffered before I was able to. For him to label it emotional abuse was validating.

Second has been my pastor at the mega church I started attending last year. He is one of these young, hip, good looking, charismatic pastors that people are drawn to. A few months after I met him he texted me asking if he could anonymously share part of my story in his Easter sermon that was broadcast on TV. I was stunned and felt my experience validated as I watched him preach. And then several months after that I received this email from him: "I love you. I told you months ago that your willingness to walk through your healing is as courageous as the men who stormed the beaches of Normandy. I mean that, and that statement isn’t hyperbole. Many men who are willing to face literal bullets are often unwilling to face past pain. The intangible battle takes another level of courage. Courageous people rarely feel like heroes, but it's their willingness to fight in that condition that's heroic. Thank you for being you." It was incredibly validating on a multiple levels. I have been so fortunate to have these two men and many others walk with me on this healing journey.
Wow. What you pastor shared is very insightful and encouraging. Recently I have thought about my CSA in just such a fashion and not sure why. I've started to see myself as courageous and brave. The CSA wounded me badly for sure and set me back, and for nearly 40 years I refused to face it. Viewing it as an act of bravely in facing it now helps me to push forward wounded, yet defiantly willing to stay on the battlefield. At least for today, as I take it just one day at a time. Thanks for shared.
 

TryingtoHeal

Registrant
Hi y'all,

I've been very slowly and very carefully reading Oprah's and Dr. Perry's recent book called "What Happened to You?" . It's been challenging because, although incredibly insightful, it triggers my anger regularly. It exposes the intense denial around the source of my health challenges which I experience from many sources, my mother being the most powerfully triggering. In the book they mention the importance of people who validate you as you pursue healing:

"Oprah: “What you are really looking for is somebody to reinforce the idea that “Hey, I’m not crazy. I’m thinking or feeling this way because something that happened to me, and I’m having a reasonable reaction. And that person validates that for you.”
Dr. Perry: “Exactly, and, in “seeing” you, they regulate you.” page 114"

Have you encountered people like this? I can think of only 2 people in twenty years who fit this description in my life. One told me that what my mother did to me was criminal. The other was shocked when I described the emotional context of my birth. Two therapists partially validated my experience even though they couldn't do much to help me. One said that I was the "Emotional football in my parents' battles", the other said that he was "amazed that I was still alive!". I wish I had more people available to me that can empathize with my pain. According to the book, it's crucial to healing. Have you had better luck than I?

Cheers,

Garth
It has been difficult due to the nature of my abuse. I was told all females hated me while enduring terror and humiliation. Then when I attempted to tell my story it wasn't believed. That was one of my first therapy tries. Then later on when I tried to bring it up she thought I was going to bring up that I was a pedophile. All therapist had been woman and that was an issue with me. And because of my abuse I assume they perceive the worst in males. I have had a hard time finding a male therapist. I have never told my story to a therapist because of these problems of not being believed. Feeling weak as a male. How men are always demonized in our society and somehow it was my fault. I have to work through this I know if I want to heal. It's just very hard.
 

TryingtoHeal

Registrant
I've only recently started opening up about my CSA from over 30 years ago. I have one friend, whose in graduate school changing career to become a therapist, who is working hard to provide validation. He's not a CSA survivor but I can tell her cares nonetheless. I often feel like I'm going to scare him away. He just took a course on trauma which helps him provide empathy. I still feel great shame sharing all my stuff, but I'm told it's important to work through my story. That said, I'm finding it valuable to take the risk to reach out. Nobody wants to be in our shoes and I think it's just too painful to try for most people. My T tries as well and I'm convinced I must just keep doing the work. The temptation to hide is so strong since I've live there so long. I'm eager to read that book by Oprah and Dr. Perry as they seem to be spot on as to what I've needed for so long. The validation from this forum is sincere. Just one person providing validation is one more than I had a year ago. A year ago, I didn't even have the validation of the most important person I know - myself. That's progress in my bookI'
 

4women

Registrant
My friends, my wife, my parents (I wish my brothers believed me more), my job (I had a flash back really bad at work... all those that know what happened to me have been really supportive.) i consider myself lucky in that respect. My wife's cousins believe her that she was set up to be raped by her mother (who thankfully died recently.. and painfully), but only one believes that her mother raped me and had my wife's sister do it too, the rest believe my mother-in-law who said I had an affair with my sister-in-law.
 

GarryDex

Registrant
Even though it's just my therapist and two counselors that have heard my story everyone has believed me. It was such a relief when I first told my therapist about it. It was a bunch of repressed memories from 40 years ago. I felt such really I don't know how long I just sat there and cried on her couch.
 
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