Have you ever been here?

Hello all
I wanted to share an amazing experience from therapy and hopefully get some comment. I wish I had the appropriate words to convey this.
I have always conceived of myself as living in my head I recall in the movie "Men in Black" an alien king (I believe it was) lived inside a giant machine (a humanoid) controlling its actions. He was perched in a chair in its head at the controls. When I saw this I though; wow, how symbolic of my concept of myself.
My therapist moves in closer to me at each session. I have all sorts of defenses he has helped me develop an awareness of. I ramble; veer off the subject, etc. I feel like I am covered in radar antennae and all sorts of sensors. I am forever sensing my environment and staying way out ahead of present time to be prepared for any and everything. I have a thousand answers to a question before it is even completely spoken. The circumstances are occasionally (rarely) such that these fall away and I am out. Not for long.
Last night in Therapy as I was overwhelmed by the emergence of an awareness of a personality trait my systems utterly failed. I froze. This issue made such sense and I was so clueless to the connection. I was just dumbfounded. I recall taking and incredibly deep breathmy eyes teared and I started to tingle. This tingling radiated out and I best describe it as a hand slowly awkwardly sliding into a glove. It keep pushing and filling the space. This body sensation was unreal as I sat there and experienced it. It seemed to go on for quite some time as it pulsed and tingled especially in my legs it seems. I felt flushed Then, I just was there. I wasnt really thinking anything, just looking around. Occasionally I looked at my Therapist. I had nothing to say and finally said so to him. He was very reassuring and I just spent time with him. We were just there together. It just was. I kind of thought well is this where I am staying? I even left there in the same state. I did have this thought of Am I going out there like this? I came home and was just looking around and was here.
Today I am not the same as I was yesterday before my session. I have not really processed all this but had quite an unusual day. I didnt shame myself all day for anything that wasnt perfect. I took a little bit better care of myself. I just dont know. But this is just what it is.

Mike
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[Just Call me J]

I can't say that I have been in exactly your place, but I can certainly relate. I wouldn't use the same description you did from "Men In Black," but as a kid, I did imagine that I was a robot of some sort, or that I was Animal from the Muppets. A few years later, I started playing role-playing games (Dungeons and Dragons) with my older brother, and I guess that that became my focus for "other personalities" or something, because I stopped doing it at school.

My characters in D&D, or Marvel Super Heroes, or whatever the game, was almost always some aspect of myself. I tried to play an "evil" character, or a thief, a few times and I simply couldn't pull it off; it just wasn't in me.

RPGs gave me a chance to be a hero on my weekends, when I couldn't be one in real life. Granted, I didn't grow up with daily abuse, but I was still a scrawny geek with low self esteem. Boy Scouts and Little League kept me busy as a kid, but I never really felt much like the hero I was in the games.

I can relate to your "preparation" for any attack. I spend a lot of my time by myself, composing "arguments" or "defenses to a position" to things I've heard on the radio, or things I've talked to friends about. I usually come come up with just the right response 3 days and 6 hours too late.

Mike, when you describe simply "being", after your therapy session, it sounds (and this is somewhat conjecture, since I've never experienced this personally) like "enlightenment" as from Taoism. From what I read in The Tao of Pooh, to simply Be, is the ultimate goal of "the Way." Everything you wrote describing this state points to it.

Were you the same Mike that I talked to in the chatroom about a week+ ago? Because I'm pretty sure I mentioned The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff. You might also want to grab Tao Te Ching "The Way of Integrity"
(you will find many translations into English) by Lao Tzu. It is the Chinese book of knowledge. But then, if you've already been enlightened, maybe you don't need to read it...

Heh heh heh! That's actually REALLY really cool! Best of luck to you in your journey!

J
We're in this together.