have some questions

have some questions
N

needanswers

Registrant
Hello everyone. I am so glad that I've come across this site. I have been searching for the past 3 days for something helpful on the internet and I'm hoping you all can help me.

Let me give you a bit of history first. My husband and I have been married nealy a year. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and this past week, my husband informed me that he was sexually molested a few times by his 2 older brothers. As if that was not bad enough, he went on to inform me that, when he was 13/14, he started to do the same thing to his younger brother but felt bad and stopped.

I have all sorts of things going through my head. Having been a victim myself when I was younger, I have talked very openly with my kids about this topic, educated them and have done my best to let them know they can come to me with ANYTHING.

My husband has told me that he has never felt the urge to do that with another child, that he has never hurt my kids and never would, etc. I so much want to believe him and help him but at the same time, I do not want to be naive and find out later that he has done something to one of my children.

I guess in my head, I know I would NEVER do anything to hurt another child and am very sensitive to that. When I think that he turned around and did something to his younger brother that hurt him, 13/14 or not, that was just plain wrong.

Does anyone in here have any advice to give? Is there anyone in here who has been in a situation like my husband? Ever done something like that when you were an adolescent? Ever have feelings of hurting a child as an adult? Since this incest was male/male, does that mean he could have homosexual tendencies, etc?

I have tons of questions and any information you could give me to help with this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 
Welcome needanswers...I don't think I have any advice for you, because your questions are beyond my experience, but I know the admins here do deal with survivors who have gone on to abuse, so they can probably help you. I just wanted to say welcome.

Nobby
 
Hi Nobby.

Thank you for responding. I'm just a mess these past few days, questioning everything, from whether or not to believe my husband, why would he tell me this if it was not the truth, is he trying to tell me something else, forewarn me? Questioning my loyalty to my kids. Should we leave or should I suggest he leave? Questioning my vows to me, should I be more understanding, etc.

We have discussed counseling, as I see this would be the only way to get through any of it. We'll see...
 
needanswers,

To understand what your husband did to his younger brother, bear in mind that an abused boy suffers not only physical molestation but also emotional devastation. One part of this is that his sense of boundaries is wrecked. Until very recently he would have had no advice on "bad touching" from his parents or school, and having been abused by his own older brothers he would have been terribly confused as to how to understand what was happening. He may have felt that whatever was done to him by his older brothers he could now do to his younger brother. Or he may have been thinking he was "showing" his younger brother something very naughty he had learned from the older two. In any case, what's important is that he felt bad about this and stopped.

And what was happening to him wasn't turning him into an abuser himself. While it's true that many abusers were themselves abused as boys, it's false logic to turn that around and think that an abused boy is likely to become an abuser. It would be like arguing that because some swimmers drown, all swimmers are likely to drown.

That said, exactly that fear is something that absolutely haunts survivors both as boys and as adults. Boys often get erections during abuse, even though they fear and dislike what is being done to them, and abusers take advantage of this and tell the boy this means he likes or wants what is happening to him. And if the boy is sexually mature enough to ejaculate, the abuser will use this too to fill his head with more lies.

As adults, survivors often fear they will harm their own children, and in some cases they do not want to have children for exactly this reason.

It's true you should make sure your children are safe from harm, but your husband is unlikely to be the source of danger. The two of you together might want to see what is being done in school to teach kids about "bad touching", and if the answer is nothing, it's a task you should take up yourselves. Children need to know that their bodies belong to THEM, and that no one except a doctor should touch them in the areas covered by their swimsuit.

You also ask if the abuse could have given your husband homosexual tendencies. Here I think what you need to hear is that the sexual abuse of a child isn't so much about sex as it is about power. An abuser looking for sex can find it in ways that are a lot less difficult and dangerous than looking for a child. What gives the abuser his kicks is the feeling of the overwhelming power he has over the child: he is making the boy give him the thing he would least like to share - his body. In any case, most pedophiles consider themselves to be heterosexual; so again, the main issue is power rather than sex.

Hope this helps. I'm glad you found the site and I hope it helps you with your questions.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you, Larry.

That gives me hope. I want to be here for him. I truly do but my children have to be first. As I said, I have educated my children regarding their bodies and let them know they can come to me with ANYTHING... Our schools in the area DO educate kids about this issue but I may suggest to my husband that he get involved with this as well AFTER he and I get some counseling. Thank you.
 
I also would like to know if any of you have suggestions as to what to do from here for him and for me. Any suggestions as to what kind of counselor? We would prefer a Christian counselor but I don't feel my husband would feel comfortable approaching our pastor.
 
needanswers,

I think that your best bet is to find a counselor with some experience dealing with male sexual abuse and make the religious aspect secondary. There is just so much misinformation out there about male sexual abuse and someone who isn't trained to handle it could do more harm than good.

Any good therapist will respect your beliefs and work with you in that framework regardless of his/her personal faith. I would state up front that your faith is important to you in your healing and if the therapist responds in a way that seems dismissive or disrespectful, just keep looking.

It's not uncommon for abused kids to act out as they hit puberty... all the emotions/urges that all kids feel at that stage combine with the experience that the abused kid SHOULDN'T have, and some don't have the skills to cope with it, or any other outlet, other than to try and re-create what happened to them. This certainly doesn't mean that your adult husband has or will do anything to a child. His feeling bad about it and stopping is a good thing IMO because that's what separates those who offend from those who don't-- an ability to identify with others and acknowledge how their behaviors affect other people.

Are there other behaviors of your husband's that cause you to worry?
 
needanswers,

Since you ask, and ask in this way, I do have to say that what comes across in your first post here is a lot more about YOUR feelings and fears rather than your husband's situation as a survivor.

When I read your post what struck me most was the feeling of peril you project. But that doesn't surprise me since you say you are an abuse survivor yourself. I think that any survivor new to recovery would still have from childhood echoes of that old feeling that the entire world is dangerous and that harm can come from any quarter at any time.

Coupled with that I sense a feeling that trust is a hugely dangerous risk. Again, that comes right through from childhood. Children by nature are very trusting, especially of adults, whom they see as sources of protection, love and everything else they need. But when a child is abused the child jumps from one extreme to the other: from the view that all adults can be trusted to the view that NO adults can be trusted.

Does this ring true to you? What I'm really suggesting is this, and I hope I don't upset you with this. When you were young you suffered one of the worst things that could ever be done to a child, and as a mother you have probably been very protective of your kids. But now, with your new husband, who also turns out to be a survivor, you feel the same thing that happened to you could now happen to your kids. That is, the old feeling of distrust and omnipresent danger is in play again.

In my first post to you I was trying to set out a few ideas why I think your fears are exaggerated, but that doesn't change the fact that these ARE your fears (assuming you agree with me on this). Whether they are misplaced or not is entirely beside the point right now; this IS how you see things, and that's where you have to start.

So I would say to you that even without any consideration for your husband's issues as a survivor, you yourself may have areas where a counselor or therapist could help you. At least, it's something worth thinking about.

You speak of preferring a Christian counselor, and I have to admit I have no idea what a Christian counselor would advise. I am a Christian myself, but it seems to me that as the problems a survivor faces are psychological, what he/she needs is guidance from someone with 1) real psychological expertise and 2) solid experience in dealing with cases of childhood sexual abuse. I look at the pastor of my church and I see him as a great source of spiritual guidance, but I can't imagine referring to him for help with my issues as a survivor. He just isn't qualified.

But that's just how I see it, and for you the religious dimension of guidance may be what you feel you need most. In which case, sure, go for it and see if it helps you.

Much love,
Larry
 
needanswers,
i want to share something from my own childhood with you that might help put some of this in perspective. as far as i can remember, the overt sexual abuse stopped in my late childhood (7-10 yrs old). i never remembered the assaults as a child, but i did act out as a child. i never forced another child. actually, there was only one peer i acted out with. she was a year or two younger than me. at first, it was mutual exploration. as it went on though, i found myself being more forceful without realizing it. what finally happened in the end was the very last episode. i was flagrently looking down her shirt. when i looked up and finally saw in her eyes what she was feeling, i finally realized what i had been doing and felt so bad and remorseful that i had made one i considered my friend feel so ashamed by my behavior. i never understood why i was doing this, but when i finally actually saw the look in her eyes, it changed me forever. i never did such a thing again. we were both children, and it started out mutually and innocently, but it got out of control on my part and i made her feel like she did.

i believe that is similar to what happened with your husband. the predators that hurt us ceased being human when they made a conscious choice to harm an innocent for their own gratification of power. that is what seperates us as survivors. we still have that ablity to empathize and feel guilt for those choices that have hurt another. that is why even those who acted out to whatever degree (reliving the experience and perhaps trying somehow to regain what was lost, our power of self and such) are still human beings. we still care and we still love. i know you did not even remotely imply otherwise, i was just wanting to share what happened to me in hopes that it could help.

in the end, a predator feels no guilt or remorse, but a survivor does. and in this case, that guilt is good because it helps those of us who did act out in the aftermath of our abuse take responsibility for those actions, and gives us the strength to never do it again.
 
you have asked some deep questions, and some only your husband can answer. molestors arent likely to out themselves. if he was tempted at all the last thing he would want is you knowing what happened in his past. the fact he was so open tells me he doesnt struggle with this issue now.

at 14-15, i acted out with a boy that was 12-13. i knew sex after my abuse, he knew nothing. did i victimize him? i dont know, i guess that is up to God. i dont feel so.

you hae taught your kids. you have done right there, and they are at least armed with the facts that i never had. keep the lines of communiction open, and have faith they would come to you if something were to happen, which i doubt.

on a show on heath channel, they were interviewing molestors. if i recall, which i tend to recall fairly well most of the time, they said where it is true most molestors where victims as children, only about 2-5% of abused children grow up to abuse. the fact is being abused terrifies most children so badly they couldnt even think of doing that to another.

as for his same sex issues, only he could say. i am very straight, but i have them. they arent anything i cannot resist or anything, but i do have some draw to males in certain situations, usually me being submissive and used. i cannot say for certain he wouldnt have those, but even if he does, if he knows where to draw the lines between fantasy and reality, there shouldnt be a problem.

above all, talk to him. he has the answers you need to hear most.
 
Thank you all for responses. It has been very helpful to me. I believe it was Larry who mentioned that I am the one with issues concerning this and to that my reply is: YOU BETCHA... In all honesty, I feel that if I didn't have concerns regarding my husband's issues and how that could potentially relate to my children, then I believe I would fail as a parent. I have told my husband about this site and all the caring I feel in here. I think it has been such a relief for him to finally get this off his chest and share it with someone, as he never has. He is going through some big emotions and we will be seeking a counselor for him and I would like to think there would be room for couple therapy when he gets to that point. I know he is not exactly thrilled with sharing this information with another person. My personal belief, having dealt with a somewhat similar situation myself, is that he needs to get to a point where he is able to be open about this abuse. I'm not suggesting he shout it from the rooftops or anything but I do feel that is what got me through things; being able to be honest with my friends and family members, and whenever the situation has risen where I felt my past would help another. The biggest difference between him and me is that his problem stemmed from his family and that has to hurt. He tried to initiate a conversation with his mother who didn't have much to say AT ALL and changed the subject. My suspicion is that she at the very least had a clue of what happened. He has so many questions and his parents are self-proclaimed Christians and I think this is going to be a long haul with him. There are several things that are now starting to make some sense to him, as he looks back at certain things that have happened in his past. He is also questioning his father's behavior towards his oldest brother all these years, which leads him to question whether or not his father actually did this to his brother. My husband has no problem with confrontation with ME. haha.. Though I think this is going to be very hard for him regarding his family with these hard questions and concerns.

I thank God for all of your responses. You have helped me put things in perspective. With all the info I have found on the internet, all I have seen were the percentages for those who go on to abuse and, even though those percentages are low, they are the ones that stuck out in my mind and I am so glad to have found you men and your support. Thank you so much.

You have all have endured and struggled with things that never should have been. God bless you all for your strength to help others.
 
Hi needanswers,

I'm glad you're finding some support and perspective here. It's very natural for you to have your own emotions and concerns about your husband's disclosure-- in time you may experience a whole different range of emotions-- and this forum is here for you to continue sharing and getting support. :)

I don't know if you've come across this site in your search for information, but it's worth a look, especially if you are concerned about others in your husband's family:

https://stopitnow.org/ -- they also have a toll-free helpline you can call.

You seem honest, caring, and determined-- your husband is lucky to have all of that on his side in his healing. I'd caution you against assuming that what has worked in one situation would work for him, though--

I know he is not exactly thrilled with sharing this information with another person. My personal belief, having dealt with a somewhat similar situation myself, is that he needs to get to a point where he is able to be open about this abuse. I'm not suggesting he shout it from the rooftops or anything but I do feel that is what got me through things; being able to be honest with my friends and family members, and whenever the situation has risen where I felt my past would help another.
Click to expand...
There are certainly men here who have gotten to this point in their healing, but it is a personal and sometimes a long journey, and men and women face very different challenges when it comes to being open about their abuse-- just as an example, I don't think most people who hear that a female friend has been sexually abused wonder if it's safe to let her around their kids.

Please give your husband the time and space he needs before discussing his abuse with others.

SAR
 
Yes, I agree that not everyone can be as open as I am and I had not even thought about how others would view a man being a victim of abuse as opposed to a woman. I'm very glad you pointed that out. I will pray for patience that I don't "push" him and instead encourage him to do what is healthy for him to get through this.

One thing that I feel is going to be a problem is that I am the type of person who tends to confront a problem when it happens. He seems to be fine with family get-togethers. His family lives out-of-state and that is a very rare thing. Now that I know what I know, I especially see that his family tends to sweep things under the rug. Although my family was not the most functional growing up, at least if there have been issues that arise, we tend to get it out in the open. That has resulted in a few huge arguments in the past but in the end, everyone feels better and it's done. Everyone knows where the other one stands. In the future, it will be incredibly difficult for me to be in the presence of these family deals and NOT confront someone. Hmmm.
 
needanswers,

As a mother, I have a very hard time imagining how my partner's mother could NOT have been aware that something was wrong with her child, and thinking about it for any length of time makes me angry enough to yell across the table in the middle of major family gatherings. He hasn't told either of his parents and I think that's a good thing, as they would just make it all about them.

I have never had a good relationship with my mother in law and I think emotionally charged stuff like this tends to highlight what is already there-- for example, my partner disclosed to another family member and it seems to have brought them closer together.

I've found that the need to confront fades as our life and relationship improve. My partner disclosed to me about three years ago and just in the past year he's been so much healthier in his dealings with his family-- it speaks much louder than any confrontation.

But it takes patience indeed... :)
 
Hi Needanswers, there is a book called victims no more that you need to get and read, also let your husband read it. If you get it through the site here then the site gets some money from the sale.

Take care,
Clifford
 
Actually, that's Mike Lew's book Victims No Longer. I just add the correction, Clifford, because there is a book entitled A Victim No More, which is a poor book on a different subject.

Much love,
Larry
 
You may want to read "Undersatnding Children's sexual behaviors" and "Helping childen with sexual behavior problems" by Toni Cavanagh Jonshon. These two publications are the clear and simple phamphlets opposed to the heavy journal articles. If you want a heavy dosage look at her reference list and read this line of research. It echos what has been said above but has more details and ranges of nonpredators to true predators. I've used it to address my feelings about my three abusers since one was 12/13, and the other two 9/10. It helps address why I feel stronger about one abuser over the others. Hopefully it will prove educational.

Given how I understand the material and what you've shared it seems that your husband was reacting to his own abuse and once he realized that it was wrong he stopped and never had the ugre to harm a child. It would seem to place him in the category (this line of research has various categories in the gray area of inappropriate behavior) that is furtherest away from a true predator. Someone who was reacting to their initial abuse and trying to make sense of it ... unfortunately without the right help/coping/skills he acted out on another child, but made sense that it was wrong stopped and never did it again. What's hard to understand is that it is explained as an extension of the initial abuse which was never made sensed of and properly dealt with.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
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