haunted by the memories

[shadowkid]

since i started this journey,or recovery or whatever we call it it feels like my mind has been living in a haunted house, this house is big and dark,it has hundreds or hallways with hundreds of doors. behind each door are memories ,rotten stinking ,painfull memories.i really dont remember opening the first door ,but i been stumbling down these dark hallways ,slowly at first but faster as time passes i been opening the doors,behind each is a room full of pain and garbage ,the memories of abuse and abandonment,the memories of my childhood.as i open each door i see a second door on the other side of each room ,a possible way out?so i wade through the garbage burried in it struggling ,fighting ,reaching for the promise of a way out.but each time i open the door it is just another room with more garbage,somewhere along the way i decided i had had enough ,i'm going back to where i came in ,but all the doors behind me are locked,there is no going back,i guess my question is does anybody know the way out? is there a door that will set me free? do i have to open every door to find the way out?do i have to relive every memory ? can i ever get out?or do i justkeep going from door to door always looking for the exit sign ?sorry this doesn't even make sense to me ,so if it seems kinda off the wall i guess its because i am kinda off the wall myself adam

 

[Steven Heath]

adam.....sorry i cannot give you simple answer....as i have found out, there is no simple or "pat" answer......but, from what i can tell by speaking with you here.....you are doing everything right....because you are questioning....and feeling....and exploring....and bold enough to open those doors.....it is possible that you sare not stuck in a room at all...but rather are just experienceing the process of life and wanting it to get better and with less garbage to carry with you as you go.....so maybe....just maybe you are lightening your load as you move forward....which is great......as i have grown to know you a bit since i have been here....you seem to handle your issues mpore and more in an out in the open way....i think that is great......it not on;ly shows a trust in your friends here.....it also shows a trust and confidence in yourself that is growing......the doors behind you may be locked.....or maybe they are just not there any more because you don't have to go there any more as you move forward.....i don't know whether this helps or confuses you mopre....i hope that is not the case...your friend....steve

 

[reality2k4]

Adam,

I guess you feel hemmed in, mountains of trash everywhere you look.
Is it any wonder that this stuff seems all around you right now!

This whole thing belongs in the past, and it is easier to say than do.
The nightmares that I had as a kid, or should I say frightmares sound just like you are talking.

A feeling of utter despair, but take a step back, you cannot fully go back, you have to open each door at a time, take a breath, and see just how much of the garbage you can clear out.

You are a caring guy, who cares of others, sometimes neglecting your own hurt to help.
That is appreciated in this place, it shows you are a real good guy.

You are safe now, even though you revisit the hurt of the past, you are safe.
You have read the boards where guys say, What next!!!

The past needs time to heal, but you can open the door back to the real world and take a breath of air, by doing things you like.
Anything that takes your mind away from the hurt.

Talking this stuff out is pretty beneficial, and yes, we do understand something of it.
Have a look at this.

Do you see yourself as part of that story, or any other analogy of it?
It is how we beat ourselves up for no real purpose other than what we learned as kids.

Let little adam out, tell him it is OK to cry, and he is safe from the past,

ste

 

[kuurt]

i know just how you feel. i think i feel the exact same way. i wish i knew how to get out of the haunted house but i don't.

also, i agree with ste about you being a good guy. you put aside your own problems and pain to help your friend out EVERY TIME. it's amaizing to me. and i hope you know how much it helps me and the other people here.

 

[roadrunner]

Adam,

Your post isn't off the wall and neither are you, my friend. I understand what you are saying, and yes, once you start out on recovery there really is no way but forward. That's because as you look behind you, you have healed and grown enough to see that the old way is NOT the way that will take you to any place you would want to be.

There is no side exit out, Adam, and I think that's a good thing. The only way is forward, to recovery, and that's where you want to go. It takes time, that's true, but the reward is that you get your life back. That sounds like a good deal to me!

I don't want to turn this into a big detailed psychological thing, but a lot of the trouble you are having is the same for any survivor, and the root of the problem is how we deal with traumatic memories. Basically, "hot" emotional memories like memories of CSA are stored in a different part of the brain, without a lot of the helpful "tags" like dates, names, places, that regular historical memories have. These memories cannot be accessed by thinking about them, like we think about ordinary memories. They are "triggered" by our thoughts about something similar. So while it is understandable that you feel scared and distressed as these memories surface all of a sudden, in reality it is a normal process that any survivor goes through.

That's one of the many reasons why it's a good idea to have a T. The T will know how all this works and will guide us through the recovery of memories in a way that does us the least harm.

Much love,
Larry

 

[anger&blame]

Originally posted by kuurt:
i know just how you feel. i think i feel the exact same way. i wish i knew how to get out of the haunted house but i don't.

also, i agree with ste about you being a good guy. you put aside your own problems and pain to help your friend out EVERY TIME. it's amaizing to me. and i hope you know how much it helps me and the other people here.

 

[anger&blame]

adam the glass is not half empty
yo can't be stopped sure there is few more doors but keep on trucking and always remember your takng the fight back, no fear no shame no secrets
its just time to take control of your toughts, emotions and assumtions not only are you going to find that door your already half way there

 

[reality2k4]

I guess we all thought of the haunted house scenario, a place where everything feels so unsafe.

OK you open the door and more crap is stacked high up, but then you open a door and found this place.

So the next time you open a door into the rooms of garbage, you still know where the door is to this place, and other good places to be.

In time it does get easier to handle, and talking it out is the best way, you cannot do that with friends and family, but you can here,

take care,

ste

 

[WalkingSouth]

Adam,

As I read your post I kept thinking to myself, "How did he read my mind?" I've had those same thoughts so many times over the last 2+ years.

At one point I even had a dream that I had given up and was just sitting in the middle of one of those hallways crying, refusing to continue.

I can tell you from experience tho, that it does indeed get better. I don't think it ever quite goes away tho, and I'm not sure I would want it to. You may think I'm crazy here, but I'd like to have just enough memory of the emotional pain that it helps me stay compassionate to others who are hurting. I'm afraid if it all went away I would loose my sensitivity to others who have bad things happen in their lives, you know?

Keep doing what you're doing Adam. It seems to be working. You are not the same shadowkid that came here a while back. You've grown a lot and you have heart. You care about others. That's a special gift.

Just keep opening those doors. One day you will notice that there's not as much garbage behind them as there once was.

Lots of love,

John

 

[roadrunner]

Adam,

Can I pick up on John's take on the garbage metaphor?:

Just keep opening those doors. One day you will notice that there's not as much garbage behind them as there once was.

What you will find, my friend, is that you become better equipped to get rid of the garbage, then you notice that there is no longer so much rubbish, then you start opening doors where there is no rubbish at all!

Much love,
Larry

 

[Hauser]

Don't forget that you have friends waiting for you after you open each door.

We know that you compartmentalized your memories, a survival trait that many use to cope with severe trauma, and that you're starting to uncover things that have been buried for a long time. But you're not alone anymore. It's not just you against the world anymore. Many people know and care about you now that you have reached out for help.

If something new comes up........something you never even thought of before, we're here for you to share it with us if that will help ok?