Hating myself today......

Hating myself today......
B

breakinfree

Registrant
I hate myself today. I am so stupid. I don't see how any of this helps . I am so angry I just tried writing things down and all I do is get more and more ripshit. I have a shake inside me right now, ready to explode. I want to hurt these assholes that did this to me I can't take it today. I want to rip my SA abusers head off and stop all of my pain into him, lets see him live with that pain for the next 24 yrs. Family ? that is family ? people who will hurt you and leave you feeling degraded angry scared shitless and so confused about everything ?/ I wish I could take that belt my old man used and rip his skin with it the way mine was. I want to strip him down to his bare needs and smash them the way mine were. I hate everything about how i survived. I wish I had the balls to do it the very first time i tried to. Pussy !! maybe nooone would have ever had to endure the shit and hurt I have put people thru because of all this crap. I want to make them bleed the way i still bleed to this day, from the very core of me. I hurt the one person that loves me truely. I have this unbearable pain inside me over all I have done to hide myself. How could I possibly be loved, I do not deserve compassion, I deserve pain punishment, I am a bad person and I hate myself for everything. I wish I didn't turn the wheel at the last second away from that tree. Maybe I would have peace somehow now. My love would not have ever known me and she would have been so much better off not knowing me at all. I can't even get the words out right now how I feel for this girl. never mind the words for the pain i have caused her. I am shaking anxiety ridden I want to scream but I can't. I am at work and they would think I am totally fucked in the head, actually i think I am. How can anyone except any of this shit. How do you live your life knowing all the pain you cause people. I hate that i survived the way i did. I am so ashamed of myself, ashamed to be me.....I want the pain to stop, I want to take the hurt away from everyone I have done wrong. I am so sorry Honeybee. I am sorry you ever had to know me and that you ever had to know of the pain inside me. I am sorry i hurt you, I am sorry i am tainted, used and just a bad person. I am sorry I hurt you..I take no pride today in surviving, I wish I failed :mad: ..I am sorry for my life. :mad: .I ......
Chris
 
Chris we are here for you - Your pain is valid -
but it is in this moment and will come into a clearer vision later today or after a short while -

try to calm yourself down and we are here for you

Mark
 
When I read your post, all I think of is how much pain we have all endured. Sometimes physical pain, sometimes guilt, always mental anguish. We have all been to the place you are describing. Many of us will be there again, some have learned to finally feel and deal with the intense anger and moved on to the next level, whatever that may be.

It is so difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are in that place of intense anger and hatred and self-loathing. I beg you to believe me when I say that you will move through it... it just takes time.

We are all here for you... let us know if there is anything we can do to help or if you simply just need us to listen. PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
Chris,

I could come up with all sorts of preachy things to say, but I won't. I know the kind of pain you feel, not the particular pain, of course, 'cuz I'm not you :) . I really respect the intensity with which you are feeling your feelings; my therapist tells me that is the first step in healing. I'm stuck because I can't quite yet give myself permission to feel that deeply.

I hate myself at times; at least that's progress. I used to all the time. Maybe you'll come to experience that. I also am sorry for being alive, at times. That's progress, too; I used to be sorry all the time. I hope that this helps at least a little bit.

Tom
 
Chris,

You deserve better than you got. Much was taken from you, peace of mind included.

You did nothing wrong.

You are not stupid.

The anger you feel is justified and natural.

You deserve love (which you will find here).

You deserve compassion (which you will also find here).

You deserve support from other guys who have also experienced abuse (which you will find here, too).

You don't deserve punishment. The abuse you experienced was punishment you didn't deserve. You don't have to punish yourself anymore. Its okay to start learning to stop doing that now.

You are not a bad person. You don't have to hate yourself. You are not at fault. You can begin to re-discover the good person in yourself.

Having experienced what we have, it is hard not to hurt others emotionally, including those we love most. All we can do is be as honest as possible with them and hope they will understand and be patient with us as we try to get better. Sometimes they won't be able to do that but sometimes they will.

I have been at work and experienced stuff that must be very close to what you are describing, feeling like I will explode, that no one will understand what I am going through and that they will think I am crazy, that I am crazy.

I found out that there are people at work (2 or 3) that I can be honest with and who have sympathy and understanding and who are supportive. It took quite a while to find that out but finding it out has made be believe that it is possible for us all.

I cannot change what happened to me and because of that I accept that I will always, at least from time to time, feel pain about it and I will sometimes feel lonely.

I know now also that I can change the part of me that tells me that I am/was at fault, that I was a bad person, a bad kid, that I should have prevented it, that I am lousy and wrong and a failure. All of those thoughts and others like them are not true and can be displaced by their opposites.

That voice is wrong. The voice in my heart which was muffled by abuse, is the true voice, the one I am learning to listen to.

I am glad that your suicide attempt failed.

That you survived and are surviving is a good thing. A very good thing.

Brett
 
Ditto to what everyone else said.

What's speaking are the lies the animals fed you.

You are a good man.

You are a kind man.

You are a man forced to deal with shit no one should have to.

And you're doing it with courage.

I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad your attempt failed, because it means you're MEANT for much more than this.

You are vaild, worthy and loved.

Chris, I'm glad you're here and I can't wait to hear what more you have to say. Because what you've said so far has been great.

Peace and love, my brother,

Scot
 
To my friends, thank you.. I am still here and I will continue on and fight this fight. I have to, I feel like I quit fighting while all the abuse was going on and I had no respect for myself. So now, I lean on my friends I let it out.. I had a really hard morning, but I talked about it, I got it out and my friends listened to me. It means so much to have this place where at least we all understand to some extent each others pains and hurts. I have never leaned on anyone until recently. I am finding some people,real true friends listen never judge. I have love in my life for the first time ever. A real love that doesn't push me down in order for them to feel better. I am learning to love, and to love life.She gives me so much strength.At times slip, but so many arms reach for me and keep me rising... I hope in time I will be that strong, strong enough to help anyone that needs my hand.. I am sorry if I take more than I give, I am working on it :-) Just wanted to say thnx for not letting me fall... :)
Chris
 
Chris,

Don't feel you're taking more than you're giving. The courage you're facing this crapola with is giving enough. You trust us, and you let us in. You say you don't give. After what we've all been through, isn't trust enough?

Hey, I was selfish yesterday. I'll be selfish again. We're all fighting the same fight, and there's no shame, NONE, in asking for help when you need it.

I wrote once, "we're brothers, no by the blood in our veins/by the blood we wipe off each other." Isn't that what brothers do?

Hang on and be strong, my brother. You're not alone in this.

Peace and love,

Scot :)
 
Reading your post, I feel so much sadness, so much anger for you and your pain. I wish I had good words for you, something helpful to say. I just want you to know that you are heard here, by so many, and understood. I wish I could say don't hate yourself, but I do that often, I feel that way often, and I understand that feeling, and how there is sometime not control over it. Just please try to be safe and be good with yourself.

leosha
 
Hey:
I feel your pain.I have felt the same way. This weekendI was on the edge making plans on how to end it all. thank goodness I didn't.

Things are better today and hopefully will continue that way. It will get better.

Take care of yourself and take time for yourself.
Gus
 
free-

your pain is normal-your on the road to recovery.

find a good T-that understands male survivor issues; you may want to jump into a support group;
hang out with positive people---

and love yourself-treat yourself like you would treat your bestfriend...

check out-https://spaz.ca/aaron/billious/RCYS/

i am honored by your presence..
 
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